There finally came a time when the Lord prompted me to let all that go and move forward. After a battle of my own making, I did as the Lord asked of me. The reward for that was my second marriage.
I am now married to a wonderful man who loves me deeply and takes such good care of me. He is there for me no matter what I or we are going through. He cherishes me and our marriage. He is such a precious gift from God for my obedience.
I recently remembered a conversation with my first husband as he approached his last days. For whatever reason, I had not previously been able to remember this conversation. God gives what we need when we need and when we are ready to receive it.
I remember him saying to me one evening "Di, don't be alone. Find someone to love you and take care of you. Someone to be there with you and for you as you grow older". At the time, I couldn't imagine doing that, but here I am and so very happy.
I spend a lot of time lately wishing for my youth and complaining about my aches and pains and all the things I no longer can do or which take so much more effort and time to do. The Lord recently spoke to me and told me to find the blessings in being this age, because they are multitude.
Frankly, I didn't see it. However, as I began to think about my life and my age, I saw more and more what the Lord was saying to me and found it to be true. It is true, I don't have that young body and I can't hold out to do the things I once could. Things that once took little to no effort now take tremendous effort and much more time.
I had a very active and full life with many dreams yet to be realized. I had plans for my future and accomplishments yet to make. Life was, for the most part, fun and exciting and full of adventure.
As I took a long and thoughtful look at my current life, I found that, yes, I haven't got the energy of my youth. I don't have the dreams and accomplishments to realize. My life is much slower but still very full. Adventure now is getting out of bed without falling into the wall!
However, I have things now I could not have dreamed of then. I am more content just to be who I am, flaws and all. I have accepted myself for who God made me to be. I no longer find it important to impress anyone. My days are slower but still full of the people I love and who love me.
I don't have the energy of my youth but I have enough to get things done that I need to get done and sometimes, a little extra. It isn't done as quickly as I'd like but it gets done.
My health is definitely not as good as when I was younger, but God has worked actual miracles in my life and has extended my years beyond what I had thought they would be. Instead of caring for children and then grandchildren, I have been a caregiver for a dying Momma and Daddy, a dying grandmother, two aged mothers-in-love, a dying first husband and have cared for my current husband through the recovery from a major heart attack. So, I have definitely been a caregiver. THAT was my greatest dream....to care for others. I had hoped and prayed it would be children but God had different plans.
So, God forgive me of complaining and whining. You have given me so much more than I have ever asked for and blessed me in ways I never dreamed of. Thank you for showing me these years of my life can be just as productive as the younger years and just as fulfilling...perhaps even more so.