PRESSING FORWARD

12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
                                                               Philippians 3:12-14 NIV

I have discovered that "letting go and letting God" is a very difficult task indeed.  My house has sold; my divorce will be final in early May.  Moving forward, that's what people say I am doing.

As much as I know that is the place I should be, I find myself wanting not only to look back but to go back.  Back to the time when Terry was here, Momma and Daddy were here and our family was held together by their glue.  Now, there is a great void where once my life was filled with love, laughter, and deep, abiding joy.

It seemed that all had escaped me when this marriage fell apart and my health began a slow, but steady decline.  Lately, that joy seems to be returning to me.  What a wonderful feeling to feel alive and joyful again!

God has reminded me in various ways and through various people that he still has a work for me.  I'm not done yet and He isn't done with me yet.  Let me tell you, when you have felt shelved for so long, that is a wondrous thing to KNOW!

I haven't forgotten those I love so dearly, but I am letting them go in a way I had not until now.  As verse 14 says, it is time for me "press on" in order to "win the prize" that God called me into.

I do pray this blog can become joyful again.  I want to touch people's lives and make an impact on people for Jesus.  That has been my goal since I accepted Jesus at the age of eleven.  I have let that calling fall down the list while I sat and whimpered "Oh Lord, why me? Why must I endure all of this"?  What arrogance!

Easter is coming quickly and it has reminded me that nothing I can lose is greater than Jesus Christs' sacrifice for me.  Dear Lord, please forgive me for being so defeated.  I have no excuse, I ask only that you help me rise above it and PRESS FORWARD.  In Jesus' name, AMEN.

MercyMe - I Can Only Imagine (Official Music Video)

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE

Heaven.....exactly what do I know about heaven??????

As I come closer to the day I enter heaven, that question is more pressing each day.  I have lived basically my entire life "churched".  Some of my earliest memories revolve around going to church with my family.  I honestly do not remember a time when we were NOT in church.

I have heard about heaven, I have studied heaven, I have prayed about heaven....basically anything that I could do to learn more, I did.  Yet, I find myself these days questioning some of that.

I think it's somewhat like a journey as a child.  You are told about the journey, you are busy with the preparations, pictures are shared of others who have been there, yet you still cannot IMAGINE what it is really like to BE there.

I asked Jesus into my heart when I was eleven years old.  I remember the experience as though it were yesterday, not 50 years ago.  I remember the praying and weeping, I remember the joy of knowing, KNOWING, that I was going to heaven when I stood up in that old country church altar.  I couldn't explain the knowing at that time, but I KNEW.

Over the years, I questioned that many, many times.  I questioned whether a child could really understand that decision?  I questioned whether my heart was sincere when I did it?  Questions, questions questions.....Yet, when all was said and done, I KNEW, I KNEW, I KNEW!  No one could convince me I was wrong, no one but myself.

That seems to be Satan's M.O.  He works in our thoughts to try to make us doubt all we know about God, about salvation, about heaven.  Yet, time and time again, I come back to that time spent in fervent prayer with tears, asking Jesus to forgive my sins and wash me clean.  To help me be more like Him and less like me.

After all, isn't that the truth of salvation and of our promise of heaven?  It has little to with ME and everything to do with HIM.  He said if I believe with my heart and confess with my mouth then He will give me eternal life.

I get so upset with myself for going back to him time after time and asking him to reassure me.  Yet, he always does, with love and tenderness.  He holds me and fills my soul with that wonderful "knowing" that only walking with Him can give you.  

So, what do I know about heaven?  I know He is there.  I know my sins are forgiven, to be remembered no more. I know His promises are true and dependable.  Life is fleeting, people can fail you but He never will.  JESUS NEVER FAILS.

I am so thankful I know that.  So thankful my heart is at home with Him and my spirit rests in His reassurance of joining Him when this life is through.

 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.  My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going." 

                                                                             St. John 14: 1-4 NIV

"If you declare with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved."

                                                                           Romans 10: 9-10 NIV

NORMAL, REALLY?

I have been so sick.  Nothing particular, just could not stay out of bed for more than a hour at a time.  I DO NOT LIKE THIS!  I talked with my liver doctor and she assured me this was normal.  Seriously?  Normal?  Not to me, it's not!  She says it is just a liver flare, that these will happen and the duration isn't predictable.  My word, did I say I don't like this?!

Charlotte took me over to Jackson yesterday.  It was an all day trip and I was already exhausted.  Special labs at 11 a.m., Cardiologist at 3 p.m and Nephrologist at 4 p.m.  We left after labs and had lunch at Olive Garden then shopped at Marshalls for about an hour and a half.  

I did accomplish something though.  Bought a new chair and storage ottoman, for which I am wonderfully thankful!  It snuggles right into the corner of my room and provides a place where I can watch TV without having to lie on the bed and hold my head in an awkward position.  I can store my Bible, Sunday School periodical and Devotional Book in the ottoman, as well as a light throw.  I have to find the perfect throw pillow to support my back, but that will come.

I have my house under contract and am still moving things from there.  My cousin is buying it.  He spent a lot of time there while growing up and now has a daughter of his own.  He was so excited to learn I was going to sell.  That makes me happy.  It will be owned by someone who appreciates the place almost as much as I did.

All in all, I am good but I just needed some separation from Facebook for a while.  I am still somewhat in a mental fog from the liver thing, but it is getting better. I tire so easily these days.  

Please forgive me for not commenting on your posts.  Deb, I have been praying for Olivia and for continued healing and progress.  I pray for each of you every day, sometimes more than once a day.

Here's a pic of the new chair and ottoman......

The ottoman is actually more gray but for some reason it appears almost white here.?I still have to bring a small table from home and a lamp, but it's getting there.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus."

                                                                                    Phil. 4: 19 NIV

THE DAY

What a ride today has been! Sad, glad, somber, happy, intimidated, tired, laughter, thankful.......

It has not been as difficult as this day in year's past.  Today, there was a lot of reflecting and thanking God for the honor and privilege of having had Terry with me for 35 1/2 years.  Ups and downs, laughter and tears, anger and apologies.............it was a good life and the love was palpable.

For years, people had told us just being near us, they knew we loved each other, it was palpable to them.  That's a pretty special kind of love to have.  One many are never blessed to know.  I am thankful I shared that with Terry, then, now, and forever.

I made such a mistake by marring Jerry.  I was looking for companionship and mistook that for an abiding love.  I thought he loved me too.  However, when you walk outside God's will, you fail.  Just as our marriage has failed.  Neither of us entered the marriage for the right reasons.  We mistook a need for companionship in and  a need for a caregiver for his mother in him for love, abiding love.  It was not and it failed.

I never dreamed I would be getting ready to go to divorce court.  I have an appointment next Tuesday to see my attorney.  Charlotte is going with me because I sometimes cannot remember and understand correctly things that are said to me, especially when under stress.

So, I move forward with so much regret but knowing without doubt that God has given me the ok for this.  I have never believed in divorce and it still hurts me to know what a mess I made of my life.  Had Jerry been willing, as he promised he was, to go to church with me, to integrate himself into my family, to love me the way a man should love a wife; and had I not been so bowled over by someone I knew a long time ago and expecting him to be that same person and had I listened to the Holy Spirit; we would not be in this position.  As Momma and Daddy always told us, two wrongs don't make a right.  

God has brought back to me the remembrance of Daddy's words as we were getting ready to walk down the aisle when Terry and I married.  He said "Sissy, I love you.  You know me and Momma love you and you will always have a home.  You will have arguments, you will be aggravated with each other; stay and work it out.   But, if he mistreats you or puts his hands on you, come home. Marriage is hard but it can be the best thing you ever do other than giving your heart to Jesus".

I was "man-handled' on several occasions when I would not see things Jerry's way.  He had thrown my phone across the room more than once before the day he took it from me and choked me.  I should have let it go then.  But, I was stubborn and didn't want to be a failure.  I was gonna prove I did the right thing and it was gonna work!  Ultimately, it did not, it never could have unless Jerry had been able to go to marriage counseling with me.  I believe we could have come to love each other as God commanded if we had gone to counseling and been more open to change.  It didn't happen that way, though, and now I have this looming divorce to contend with.

I believe in marriage...Godly marriage.  No marriage can last unless God is in it.  Our sinful natures will not allow it.  My health is so much better since coming to peace with my decision.  God has restored some things that were getting really desperate.  My last visit with my liver specialist were encouraging.  I am still terminal, but so much better than before!  Praise the Lord!  She was very encouraged and so was I.

My family has been so good to me.  They have loved and been straightforward with me, not allowing me to wallow in pity.  One needs someone who can do that for them at times.  With love and compassion, they have been honest and encouraged me to follow through with this divorce.  So, I will proceed.

Pray for me as I do.  My heart still sometimes yearns to talk to Jerry but I feel the less between us there is, the better it will be.

I love you, my sisters.  I am so very blessed that you ladies have come into my life and dwell in my heart.  You have enriched my life in ways I cannot explain in words.  It's more a feeling, a tug in my heart.  I believe that is the Holy Spirit who has bonded us together.  Getting to know each of you and some of your family and friends has made my life richer and more blessed.  

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,  who have been called according to his purpose."  Rom. 8:28 NIV

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."  Eph. 3:14 NIV

TIME IN A BOTTLE

(WARNING:  Long & Sentimental)

In 1970, Jim Croce wrote this song when his wife told him she was expecting their first child.  It was released on his first album "You Don't Mess Around With Jim" in 1972.  Terry and I met and started dating in May, 1973 but he owned this 8-track and loved listening to it.

As the months passed and we began to fall in love, Time In A Bottle was "our song".  The lyrics seemed to say all the things we felt for each other.  We continued to listen to it for all the years we were together.

Terry and I had some wonderful adventures together.  We shared some heartbreaking moments together.  But we loved, never failing, never backing away, never giving up.  We loved.

We loved our Lord, we loved each other, we loved our family, we loved our church and our church family, we loved our neighbors and friends.

We built a life based upon that love.

On this date 10 years ago, January 26, 2009, that love did not end but it transformed into eternal love when he went home to be with Jesus.  I can barely believe it has been 10 years, yet it seems like a lifetime.  I look at pictures of him, of us, and all our family and friends sharing wonderful times together.

Memories are all I have now, and pictures.  Pictures that remind me of the blessing I had in him and the goodness God imparted to me when he brought him into my life.  Mementoes of a life lived sharing love and happiness, and yes, sad times and trying times as well.

I listen to that song now and tears roll down my face. We never dreamed our time would end so quickly.  We planned on a lifetime together.  Growing old together and spoiling every child we could in the process!

My nephew, Jared, and I were talking the other day about how much we missed Mamaw and Papaw Mac and Uncle Terry. 

Terry’s nickname for our only niece was Blonde Bombshell.  He loved our Katie to the ends of the earth!  He would not leave this world until he had a chance to see her one more time.  I have been told that the nickname was an insult by someone who did not know Terry well or know how he loved that little girl! He did not love Katie more than our nephews, but because she was the only niece, and because he saw the boys more often, she was special to him.

Jared was saying how he could just hear Uncle Terry’s laugh as the girls scampered around the house and see his smile as they came running up to him to wrap their arms around him and hug him tightly.  He said “I can hear Uncle Terry now and that laugh he had and him calling the girls Blonde Bombshell!  It’s for sure, Terry would have loved all the great-grands just as much he loved the grands!

 He had the opportunity to get to know both of Katie and Brian’s children before he left us. He celebrated a birthday with our nephew Caleb (16) and our grand-niece Allyson (2) in March, 2008. He held Allyson briefly but was afraid he would drop her.

When Katie and Brian visited on that day in December 2018, he was so glad to see them and the children.  He was so sick by that time that he didn’t laugh like he usually did or joke around, but it comforted him that he got to see them one last time before he went home.

I miss Terry, every day, every hour.  I don’t think that will ever change.  I still cry myself to sleep on some nights because I miss him so badly.  However, life goes on and we must go on as well.  And I have.

I am so thankful to the Lord for giving Terry to me if only for a while.  That’s all we really have here anyway, a while.  Some of us will be here longer than others but all of us will leave.  I am thankful that I live with assurance that when I go home to Jesus, I know Terry will be there too.

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."       Genesis 2:24  KJV