Letting Go and Moving On

The 'men' in my life!

Caleb, Jake, Jared and Adam

Easter 2010

Well, today I think I have just come as close as I ever will to experiencing the pain a Mom must feel when her baby leaves home.  My nephew, Jake, started moving out of my house today.  He is moving back with his parents until he can find a place so as to make room for me to move Daddy in.  It is so bittersweet.

Jake has always been close to me.  He was born in October, 1985 and our first child, Ben, would have been born in July, 1985 had he lived.  So, Jake has always held a sort of special place in my heart because he is the age my oldest child would have been.  We, well mostly I, talk for hours sometimes.  He works the 2nd shift in a quality control lab in a local industry and gets home about midnight.  He usually comes in, grabs a snack and sits with me in the living room and we chat for a while until he's ready to settle down and sleep.  I will miss those midnight chats!

He is also my fashion advisor, and I his.  On Sunday mornings we run from room to room saying "Hey, what do you think about this?" or "Does this match?"!!!!  I told him that I fear Papaw Mac won't be as astute a fashion advisor as is he!

Jake moved into our house shortly after we moved out in 2006 and has been here since.  When I moved back home earlier this year, I knew he would be moving out at some point, but I have sure gotten accustomed to his presence.  I have been so thankful to be back at home that I really haven't done anything to 'move' myself back in except bring my stuff and stay.  Now that he's taken his things from the walls and tables, it just looks so bare!  I'll have to get busy decorating now or I'll feel like I'm living in a hotel!

Transition used to be so easy for me.  I'm not sure if it's that I'm getting older or the fact that I've been through so much transition over the last few years, but it is really hard now.  I think this must the kind of blues mothers feel when their children start to leave the nest. 

Jake is such an excellent human being and has so many dreams and plans.  I love watching him continually growing and changing into the man I know God meant him to be.  It was so much fun having him here with me for these few months.  It is a time I will treasure for all my days.

Katie, my 'blond bombshell'

Mission Trip,Kenya, Africa

2005

I have been privileged, since Terry's death, to live with each of Charlotte and Ricky's children for at least a few weeks and Debra's son lived with us for a couple of years before Terry's accident.  Even though we were not blessed to have our children live, we have been blessed to have wonderful relationships with our niece and nephews.  And now, the new generation is coming along and they seem to love me as much as I love them!  I cannot express with words how blessed I know I am!

And so, life goes on.....isn't it precious to see God working in our lives on a minute-by-minute basis?

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven..."

Ecclesiastes 3: 1

Who was/is Riley?????

I have no idea who Riley was, but Momma was always asking me "Do you think you're living the life of Riley around here"?!

That was her response when I complained about doing what I was told to do or perform my chores as required.  Sometimes I wonder if my life was really just a lot different from others?  I mean, we had chores every day in addition to those things Momma and/or Daddy would just come up with off hand.  We were expected to keep our own rooms clean, as well as help with the entire house, the yard, the garden AND the farm animals!  Imagine that!

We knew we had best do our homework or there would be consequences...I mean, REAL consequences like lost privileges, a real good 'talking to' or maybe even a lash or two with a limb or a belt.  And, oh my goodness, I would have never dreamed of talking back to my parents!  The ONE way to guarantee a whipping was to talk back.  No warnings, no 'talking to', no nothing....just get ready to feel that limb or belt wrapping around those bare legs!

I marvel that I had to work at my own home, do my chores, mow the grass, help in the garden, help with the farm animals when Daddy needed it, do my homework and do all with a respectful attitude toward my parents.  If not, I would be punished, more often than not with that limb or belt!  Gosh!  And I turned out pretty ok, I think!  How did that happen?  Am I not supposed to be scared for life by being 'hit' by my parents?  Shouldn't I have a wounded psyche from all that work and expectations?  How did I manage to grow up, dare I say it, normal?!

I am so weary of hearing whining parents complaining that they cannot control their children.  I get so frustrated hearing kids and teens complaining of being 'bored' while Moms and Dads complain of having too much to do.  I'll tell you one thing for sure, I knew better than to let my parents hear me say I was bored!  They would have found something for me to do very quickly!  And, they didn't mind making it my responsibility to help with household chores so everyone could sit down together after supper to watch a little TV before bedtime.

I don't know, I guess I'm just OLD.  I don't understand the way things are done in families these days.  We didn't have the perfect family, far from it.  But, we managed to grow up to be well adjusted women who love the Lord, our parents and our families so Momma and Daddy must have done something right.  Don't you think?!

A refusal to correct is a refusal to love;

love your children by disciplining them.

 Proverbs 13.24  (The Message)

"I love you from my soul..."

Was watching the movie 'Madea's Family Reunion' on TV earlier.  Missed a good part of it, but still enjoyed what I did see.  At the end of movie, a couple are exchanging vows in a wedding ceremony.  The guy says to the girl "I love you past my head, beyond my heart and from my soul; that place where only you and God abide". 

I love that line!  It so aptly describes what it is like to love the person you know God created just for you.  It makes me so sad to hear people bandy about the phrase 'I love you' with so little understanding of what real love is all about.  I hear people all the time talking about "falling in love" or "falling out of love".  I have always said, if love is something you can 'fall into', you'd best be very careful or you're likely to 'fall out' of it as well!

How sad that we have demoted the most precious of all human connections to the status of something we 'fall' into or out of.  Jesus did not 'fall into' love with mankind.  He chose to love us in spite of ourselves!  In that same manner, we must choose to love those around us, whether that love is romantic love, friendly love, family love or that all-encompassing agape love with which Jesus loved us.  What joy we rob ourselves of by allowing the Deceiver to convince us that love is so easily attained or so frivolously thrown aside.

Just tonight, a young female cousin posted on Facebook that those around her not blood related she called 'family' and those blood related she called 'relatives'.  She has been taught by her misguided parents that, because her blood family does not always agree with them or give them what they want, they are no longer real family.  How sad!  Sad for the adults and extremely so for the teenagers being reared in that home.  How sad that they have cheapened 'family' to mean only those who agree with you and who give you what you want, when you want it.  Sad, and selfish.

It is in those times of disagreement and disapproval that we can often learn the most about and from each other.  But, only if we open ourselves to the teaching of the Holy Spirit.  When we become unteachable, we become withered and angry; bitter at everyone who doesn't give us what we want and always praise and/or agree with us.  If we remain teachable, we allow ourselves the  joy of learning from those with whom we do not agree and growing in patience, compassion and understanding.

No wonder politics are such a mess in this country.  If families can't get along, how do we expect strangers to do so?  We have lost the art of listening to divergent opinions without judging each other.  We no longer know how to compromise without name calling.  It must be our way or no way.  Don't get me wrong, there are places where we must take a stand and not budge.  When Christian morals and principles are involved, there is no room for compromise.  But how immature we are when we cannot stand our ground in love and not disintegrate into bickering and verbal stone throwing.

I love you from my soul.......I'm going to do my best to remember that one; I like it.  Dearest Lord Jesus, help to love each one in my path from my soul, from Your heart.

Feeling 'Blusy"

It's about 6 a.m. and I'm sitting here at my computer trying to sort my thoughts into something that is discernible to all of you.  I have had several days of extreme sadness.  I'm not really sure what's going on.  It's no secret that I miss Terry more than I ever imagined I could.  However, even though I still have periods of sadness and almost overwhelming loneliness, I can honestly say I'm doing ok with the grief.

It's also no secret to anyone who knows me that I have some health issues that really get me down sometimes.  My blood sugar levels have been extremely high for quite some time now, ranging from 300+ to around 900.  I know that's one of the reasons I'm so out of sorts.  Who wouldn't be, right?!  However, Dr. Diffee started me on Lantus and that is slowly bringing the levels down and I feel so much better.  Even the nausea and vomiting are much better.  So, again, that seems to be so much better.

Daddy is getting weaker and having more health problems.  His mental status seems to be changing before our eyes.  He has always been a very regimented person, perhaps due to his time in the Army.  Medications MUST be taken on time, meals are necessary within a certain time frame, wake up time has been 7 a.m. since basically he retired and bed time is generally around 9:30 at night, occasionally that could go until 10:00 if he is really interested in something on T.V.  Breathing treatments are at 7 a.m., Noon, 4 p.m. and 8 p.m.  That schedule just NEVER changes without a lot of complaining on his part.

Recently, he is getting up at least an hour earlier, doing his breathing treatments off schedule and talking a lot about driving himself to his doctor's appointments over in Jackson.  He hasn't even driven himself to Bolivar in many months!  These may sound small to anyone outside our inner family circle, but to me, Charlotte and Debra they are big changes for Daddy.  His breathing is much worse and the coughing is now so bad at night that he wakes Debra and Dwade from across the house and with both their bedroom doors closed.  So, that is of course a major source of concern for me, but nothing I didn't know was coming and haven't been expecting and preparing myself for.

Caleb, my youngest nephew, is leaving tomorrow afternoon to meet up with his group in Memphis.  They will fly out on Monday for Ft. Leonard Wood, MO for his Basic Training.  He will be there for about 10 weeks.  While it is bittersweet to see him so grown up, I am so proud of him for this choice!  He has been, since his childhood, always more responsible than his years.  He still is.  After his swearing in last weekend, we were leaving the stadium.  I was telling him how proud I was of him and how proud Uncle Terry would be too.  He hugged me tight and said he sure wished Uncle Terry could be there to give him a big ole Bear Hug!  Then, we both cried, but not sad tears; rather tears of joy in remembering how much Uncle Terry loved him!

So, there are the things going on in my life.  I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why I'm so 'blusy'...is that word?!  Probably not!  I do know this one thing, no matter how sad or lonely I feel, I only have to lift my hands to heaven and begin to praise my Savior and the tears flow.  Immediately I am filled with love that gathers me to my Father's breast and holds me in complete assurance and contentment.  The times are difficult, the days are long, but the love of my Lord is always MORE.....MORE than I deserve, MORE than I imagined, MORE than I can comprehend! 

I am so thankful I serve the God of MORE!!!!  Aren't you?!

Private Lives

Effective today, May 27, 2010, I have decided to take my blog private.  When this venture first began, I so much needed an outlet to express myself and all the emotional issues I was encountering.  As time has passed, I have come to yearn more and more for privacy in expressing myself.  I also often want to post here, but just don't have the energy or desire to 'dress up' the posts with pictures, etc.  I just want to express myself!

So, should you choose to visit from now on, you will most likely find words only.  I will, from time to time, post pictures, but it will be the exception not the rule.  My posts won't be profound but they will be my heart because that is what I need a space for at this time in my life.

Each of you who have received an invitation to view this blog have done so because I love you and trust you.  Please do not discuss my posts with others.  If you have the need to talk about something I post here, please either email me personally at diane.chandler.75@gmail.com , call me personally at 731-376-0287, which is my home number; or at 731-609-1800, which is my cell phone number.  I welcome your comments and input because I love you and care what your think.

If you choose not to re-visit, please leave me a comment asking me to remove you from the list so I will know you no longer wish to receive information from this blog.  It will not affect our relationship or the fact that I love you!

I'm looking forward to this new direction and have high hopes for the positive ways this will influence my life.  I love you all!  God bless you is my most fervent prayer!

Diane