Liar...Liar...Pants on Fire

December 2011
I seem to always be smiling but the sadness is just beneath the surface.

 Some friends and I have been discussing the fact that our blogging, or lack thereof, has seemingly succumbed to our Facebooking and why we had allowed that to happen. Frankly, I haven't felt that I had a lot to say recently. 

The past few years have been difficult.  The really difficult years started in February, 2006 and pretty much hasn't let up since. In that 6 years, I have watched my Momma, my husband and my Daddy die.  In addition, my husband nearly died, as did my middle sister, who both had sepsis.  My husband was diagnosed with terminal NASH cirrhosis and my mother-in-love fell and broke her hip and ended up first in a nursing home and now in an assisted living facility. 

In addition to all that, I have had my own health issues to deal with as well.  One of which was my own diagnosis with End Stage Liver Disease due to NASH cirrhosis only 6 months after my husband's death.  How in the world was I suppose to deal with that?!  Life has been difficult.

Now, what does that all have to do with blogging you ask?  Simply this, I feel as though my spirit is broken and I don't want to talk about that.  Above all else, I am a Christian.  I love Jesus Christ with all I am and am dreadfully fearful of bringing dishonor to His Name.  I find that I am often afraid to be real.  What if I give someone the idea that Jesus is somehow deficient because I am deficient?  What if someone should decide that Jesus isn't for them because I'm having such a difficult time dealing with my life's issues?

I often struggle with sharing my feelings because they are such a dichotomy.  In one instance, I can be both dreadfully sad and disparaging, while at the same time feel great joy for other things going on in my life.  I struggle with how to find a balance in all of that.  Do I deny the sadness and despair and focus only on the joy; or do I focus on the sadness and give a lesser acknowledgement to the joy?  Where is the balance?  How can I be at both ends of the spectrum at once?

Momma used to tell me that being a woman meant I could feel deeper because God gave women that ability.  Is this what she was referring to?  It this feeling both ends of the spectrum at one time the 'deeper' feeling she was talking about?  What I would give just to sit down and talk to Momma for just an hour!  But that, like so much else in my life, will not be again on this earth.  Why didn't I take more care to talk to Momma and glean all the wisdom she had acquired before she left?  I knew she was terminal; why did I waste that opportunity?

The same is true with Terry and Daddy.  I knew they were dying.  Why didn't I talk to them more about the things that really matter?   What was I thinking on all those days when I let hours slip by me without sitting with them and talking about the lessons they had learned from life?  Or, what about the joys, and sorrows, we had shared?  Why didn't I talk about all of that with them more?  I had the opportunity; God gave me the gift of that time.  Why didn't I use it better?

As I think this out and write, I realize I am much less 'through' my grieving process than I thought.  I've just let it pile up because I didn't know how to deal with the grief and keep doing for the next one in line.  Now, it's all piled up and I have no idea where to begin to unravel it. 

So, this little excursion into blogging on this night has brought me to a great realization.........I am a liar.  I have lied to all the people who have asked "How are you" and I have answered "Good".  The truth is, I don't know how I'm doing; I really don't.  Therefore, my goal for 2012 is to find out how I am doing and to deal with all this piled up emotion and to do so in a real way......good, bad or otherwise.

A New Beginning

January 1, 2012...........the first day of a new year..........a new beginning.

This new beginning brings a sorrow to my heart that I have never faced.  As I enter this new year, I do so with my parents, my children and my precious husband all dwelling in heaven with the Lord. 

I'm not quite sure how to approach this year.  My life goes on............just how that happens I must confess is still a mystery to me.  I have hope in Jesus and look forward to seeing how He will guide during the days ahead.  Yet, I often think that I feel very lost in this new world I find myself in.

I am so wonderfully blessed with two sisters who love me and watch over me with devotion.  As Terry breathed his last breath, each promised him they would take care of me and they have most certainly lived up to their word.  I have two brothers-in-love that help me in any and every way possible.  My nieces and nephews are ever vigilant to be sure my needs are met.  The little ones never leave me without making sure to squeeze me tightly and tell me they love me.  My church family couldn't be more loving and/or supportive.  A host of friends and extended family are so gracious and supportive.

Then, I have this precious group of ladies we lovingly call the Sisterhood of the Traveling Scarf, or more succinctly, the Scarf Sisters.  These women have loved me, prayed for me, encouraged me, laughed with me, cried with me and been my rock through these difficult seasons of my life.  What I would have done without them is far too sad to even imagine.

Yet, when all is said and done, when the night comes and everyone is at home with those whom they love, I am home alone.  The darkness closes in around me and I feel the emptiness and loneliness more acutely than at any other time.  It is easy to be busy, but the time to go home alone always comes.  Some have suggested that another relationship is the answer.  I can't think of being in a relationship with another man.  My heart, and all that lies within it, still belong to Terry.

Perhaps my heart is smaller than others, but there just isn't room there for another man.  He would only be compared to Terry and, in my heart and mind, no one can live up to that.  I see no reason why I should accept second best at this time of my life. I lived with the absolute best for 37-1/2 years.  God sent Terry to me when I was quite sure no man would ever want me.  Not only did he want me, but he loved me completely.  He wasn't a perfect man, but he was perfect for me.

Since Daddy went to be with Jesus, I spend a lot of time thinking about how happy he must now be.  He is with the Lord and now back with Momma.  He longed to be with her again; I understand that longing.  I wouldn't call either of them back, but I long to hear their laughter again; to see the joy in their eyes as they playfully pick on each other.  I even get lonely to hear their silly arguments about nothing.

I long to sit at their dining room table and have the family gathered around, ten different conversations going on at once and Momma trying to keep up with them all; Daddy sauntering through and announcing that he was going to bed and for everyone else to stay as long as they like.  The laughter and teasing that always comes when two or three generations gather in one place and love each other!

Life is a mystery; of that I have become more and more acutely aware as time has passed.  Few things remain constant.  Those whom we love and who love us depart.  New ones enter and we grow to love them as though they have always been with us.  Of all that changes, these thing remain the same...........faith, hope and love.                                           

 

Three things will last forever—

faith, hope, and love—

and the greatest of these is love.

                                

1 Corinthians 13: 13  (NLT)   

                    

But the righteous will live by their faithfulness to God.

Habakkuk 2: 4b  (NLT)

And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?

My only hope is in you. 

 

Psalm 39: 7  (NLT)          

 

He that loveth not knoweth not God;

 for God is love.

I John 4: 8  (NLT)           

Honor and Duty

Today, November 11, is set aside to pay tribute to those valiant Americans who have served their country in times of war.  In my family, the military is an honored tradition.  I have chosen to honor here only those family members whom I have known personally.  Many have served whom I did not know personally. 

To every man or woman who has served our country, I offer heartfelt appreciation for your sacrifice.  Our country can only remain great as long as there are men and women who are willing to make the sacrifices you have made.  Thank you for showing us the way to patriotism and honor by your commitment and service.

All gave some...........some gave all........may we never forget.

Ralph Fentress Newland
11 Jun 1915 - 13 Feb 1998
European Theater, World War II
The Battle of the Bulge
U.S. Army



Uncle Buster was how I knew this quiet man.  He never spoke of his service.  By research, I discovered he fought in the Battle of the Bulge and received many honors for his gallantry and sacrifice in the face of extreme danger.  I will never forget Uncle Buster or the way he quietly went about his every day life. 

After returning from Europe, he married and moved to Flint, MI.  There he became a plumbers apprentice and earned entry into the union.  He worked there until his retirement.  Upon retirement, he and Aunt Mayena moved back to Tennessee, where both lived out the remainder of their lives. 



Van Patterson McDonald
4 Nov 1932 - 20 Sept 2011
Germany
Sharp Shooter Team Leader
Post-Korean War Era
U.S. Army

 This is my Daddy.  I honestly never knew how proud he was of his service to our country or how much he valued it until the very last days of his life.  Prior to being called home, Daddy made very specific requests regarding how his Memorial Flag should be cared for and respected.  He was buried with military honors.  I have never felt quite so honored as when the soldier placed that flag in my hands at the graveside ceremony.  It is a moment in my life I will never forget.

Daddy led a sharp shooter team (now known as sniper squads) in Germany and was offered a promotion to Sergeant and an entire squadron if he would re-enlist.  He chose not to do so and return home to Tennessee and the farm where his family lived.  He was notified of possible deployment to South Vietnam in February of 1957.  He and Momma had planned to marry that month, but delayed their wedding until they knew if he would be deployed.  They waited until March with no definite word from the military.  They decided to go ahead with the wedding.  Thankfully, he was never deployed.

Brian Keith Eppers
19 Mary 1980 -
Iraq
Operation Iraqi Freedom
Medic
U.S. Army

Brian (my nephew-in-love) enlisted in the Army after 9/11 with full knowledge that he would be deployed.  He trained as a Medic and was deployed to Iraq in early 2005.  He spent nearly a year there and returned home just before Christmas in December of that year. 

I will never forget the look on his face, or that of his children, as they saw him for the first time when he returned home.  Pure joy and absolute love shone from the face of Brian, my niece Katie and their children Alix and Jaden, as the kids ran across the parking lot to see their Daddy for the first time in almost a year. 

Brian continues to serve with the U.S. Army as a Medical NCO, Weapons of Mass Destruction, Civil Support Team member.  To say we are proud of him is a gross understatement.



Caleb McDonald Watkins
6 Mar 1991 -
Military Police
U.S. Army
TN Army National Guard

 This dashing young man is my youngest nephew.  He graduated from the U.S. Army AIT training at Ft. Leonard Wood, MO on Oct 20 of this year.  He is now an official member of the TN Army National Guard as a Military Policeman. 

What roads lie ahead for Caleb, we do not know.  He has so many plans for his future, realizing that the Army has first claim on his time and commitment.  I cannot tell you how proud we were to stand in that auditorium and see him walk across that stage to receive the Top Gun award for his entire platoon! 

Where he will go from here, only God knows.  I have every confidence he will make his mark in this world; a mark for his God and his country.

Endure suffering along with me,

as a good soldier of Christ Jesus.

Soldiers don’t get tied up in the affairs of civilian life,

for then they cannot please the officer who enlisted them.

2 Timothy 2: 3-4



His First Birthday in Heaven



Daddy and Momma
March 23, 1997
40-yr. Vow Renewal Ceremony
Brints Chapel Baptist Church


It was a chilled and frosty November morning on November 4, 1932.  My Maw and Paw McDonald hadn't gotten much sleep the night prior.  Maw had labored hard to give birth to a bouncing, healthy baby boy during the wee hours of the morning.  That baby boy was my Daddy, Van Patterson McDonald.  He always told us Maw named him after a cowboy.  I was never sure just who that cowboy was, but it brought Daddy happiness to tell the story and that is all that mattered to me.

Daddy was the second of four sons born to Maw and Paw.  His older brother, Troy, was born on Feb. 8, 1931 and had lived for less than 24 hours.  When Maw found herself pregnant again almost exactly one year later, she was thrilled.  When Daddy was born healthy, she was beyond thankful and joyful to have her child growing and happy.

By the time Daddy turned 10, Paw had bought the farm where Daddy would spend the remainder of his days.  His only time away from the farm was the 2 years he was in the Army from 1953-1955.  He loved the farm and farm life.  It was his dream to own his own land, grow crops and animals and a family.  His dream never materialized as he would have wanted, but he did live it in a small way.

A couple of years after he and Momma married, they moved in to a small 4 room house Daddy and Paw had built on the farm and they started to raise a family, cows, pigs and a couple of horses and some chickens.  He didn't have crops because there was no time for crops after tending to his animals and working at his factory job.  He had a large vegetable garden and a truck patch and that was enough to satisfy him.

The years passed and his family grew and came to include sons-in-love and eventually grandchildren and great-grandchildren. When Momma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and her heath began to fail, Daddy gave up everything he enjoyed to devote himself completely to caring for Momma.  He sold his cows and stopped growing his vegetables when it became evident that Momma needed him to be by her side almost 24 hours a day.

He was completely devoted to Momma and rarely left her side.  His own health began to decline, but he remained vigilant at Mommas side.  He let us come in and help with household chores and drive Momma to her doctor's appointments.  I don't think we really understood then why he did that.   We came to understand that those times were the only time he had to restore himself and have time for a break.

When Momma went home to be with Jesus in April, 2006, Daddy was devastated.  He stayed at their home for the remainder of that year, but became sicker with each passing month.  His doctor became concerned that he would die soon if he didn't find a way to overcome the grief.  He moved from their home to live with my middle sister and her family for about the next year.

My youngest sister and her husband bought the family farm in 2008 and Daddy moved back to the house to live with them.  They both had health issues and he would spend time with my other sister while health issues were attended to.  I was living with my mother-in-love and then was taking care of my terminally ill husband.  My husband went home to be with Jesus in January, 2009.  For the first year, I was in no shape to care for myself, much less anyone else.

In March, 2010, I finally came back to my own home to live.  Daddy came to live with me in June, 2010 and remained with me until the morning he went to be with Jesus on Sept. 20, 2011.  It was my joy to take care of him and have him with me for those last 15 months of his life.  I will be forever thankful to have had the opportunity to give back to him a small portion of the caring he had given me since the day of my birth.

So, today Daddy would have been 79.  What joy to know he now walks the streets of heaven with our Lord, Momma and our baby sister, as well as other loved ones who have already gone home with the Lord. 

Happy Birthday in Heaven Daddy.  I love you so much more than I ever realized while you were here with me.  I am so thankful God made you my Daddy and for the love you gave me all the days of your life after I came into it.  I am thankful you are at rest and no longer sick and suffering.  You are now eternally well and at peace.  Praise the Lord!

Pride and Prejudice.....



The Grands, 1992
Jared, Caleb, Katie, Adam and Jacob

See that little blond haired boy sitting on his sister's lap?  That is my youngest nephew, Caleb.  This was taken during the summer of 1992 when Caleb was just over one year old.  His Momma hadn't yet been able to cut his curls.  He was our last baby and we all wanted to keep that 'baby' appearance for as long as possible!

Caleb has always been his own person; never like his brothers or his sister, quite unique.  He could entertain himself for hours since a very early age. He's always had an intense interest in what was happening around him, noticing details that would escape others of his age or even a few years older.

During his 'middle years', Caleb struggled with his weight.  He turned 18 and suddenly had focus and determination none of us knew was there.  He decided he was going to get his weight down and immediately went to work doing so.  He ran every day, he ate well, he had discipline I must admit I not only admired, but sometimes was a bit envious of.

About this same time, he decided he would join the military in some manner and did so.  He came home to announce he had signed his papers and was enlisted with the Army Guard.  He would be leaving for Basic Training that summer.  We were so very proud of him, while being apprehensive about his decision and what the possible consequences could be.

He made plans to enter the ROTC with a long range goal of working for either the Secret Service or some branch of national security.  Suddenly the boy had become a man right before our eyes.  He had always been responsible beyond his years, but we were now in awe of his decisiveness.  Basic Training came and went and some of his plans didn't pan out as planned.  He dealt with the disappointment and moved forward.

AIT was scheduled for the next summer and he moved forward.  Time for the AIT training approached and he began again to get into that 'military' mindset.  He left for Ft. Leonard Wood and we waited for the day for graduation.  That day came on Oct. 20.

His Mom, Dad and I travelled to Missouri with our hearts bursting with pride.  Family Day was wonderful.  He had excelled in his AIT and was graduating with honors in marksmanship.  Well, of course he was!  Graduation Day dawned and we were there an hour before we could go in!  Finally, we found our seats and waited for the joy to become reality.

As we waited, we felt our hearts grow with appreciation not only for our soldier, but for every young man and young woman there.  What a joy to see them so disciplined and proud to be serving their country!  Caleb's time to walk across the stage came.  His name was called and he strode purposefully across the stage to accept his award as the Top Gun for his entire platoon!  Our little boy had now become a man and had out performed every other man and woman in his platoon, including the Drill Sergeants!

Talk about proud!  I don't know about his Mom and Dad, but his Aunt Di cried and laughed and praised the Lord as she watched that little boy who was now a man march across that stage!  I filmed video while his Mom snapped pictures and his Dad just sat back and allowed us to be the women we are! 

Last Thursday, Caleb accompanied me on a trip to Nashville for a doctor's appointment.  We stopped at a little quick stop for a snack and a potty break.  As I stood at the counter paying for my banana nut muffin and my Coke, I caught a glimpse of Caleb standing nearby quietly observing the surroundings.  There he stood, strong and straight, with his arms relaxed and hands clasped before him.  He quietly looked back and forth around the business.

I cannot express with words the pride in my heart as I saw him there.  Men and women were coming and going and each took their turn in glancing at him.  Some walked a bit faster as they neared him, some walked a bit straighter, some smiled with that pride one feels when they know they are in the presence of a person who is trained to defend their country.

Yes, our little boy was now a man.  How thankful am I that I have been allowed to be a part of his life and that he is in my life.  I am proud of you Caleb.  I am proud of the pride you have in serving your country, of the dedication you have shown to every aspect of your life; but more than all of these, I am proud that you love the Lord Jesus and serve Him with the same dedication, pride and faithfulness you have shown to your military commitment.

I love you my nephew; I always have and I always will.



Caleb
AIT Graduation
Oct. 20, 2011
Ft. Leonard Wood, MO