THE DAY

What a ride today has been! Sad, glad, somber, happy, intimidated, tired, laughter, thankful.......

It has not been as difficult as this day in year's past.  Today, there was a lot of reflecting and thanking God for the honor and privilege of having had Terry with me for 35 1/2 years.  Ups and downs, laughter and tears, anger and apologies.............it was a good life and the love was palpable.

For years, people had told us just being near us, they knew we loved each other, it was palpable to them.  That's a pretty special kind of love to have.  One many are never blessed to know.  I am thankful I shared that with Terry, then, now, and forever.

I made such a mistake by marring Jerry.  I was looking for companionship and mistook that for an abiding love.  I thought he loved me too.  However, when you walk outside God's will, you fail.  Just as our marriage has failed.  Neither of us entered the marriage for the right reasons.  We mistook a need for companionship in and  a need for a caregiver for his mother in him for love, abiding love.  It was not and it failed.

I never dreamed I would be getting ready to go to divorce court.  I have an appointment next Tuesday to see my attorney.  Charlotte is going with me because I sometimes cannot remember and understand correctly things that are said to me, especially when under stress.

So, I move forward with so much regret but knowing without doubt that God has given me the ok for this.  I have never believed in divorce and it still hurts me to know what a mess I made of my life.  Had Jerry been willing, as he promised he was, to go to church with me, to integrate himself into my family, to love me the way a man should love a wife; and had I not been so bowled over by someone I knew a long time ago and expecting him to be that same person and had I listened to the Holy Spirit; we would not be in this position.  As Momma and Daddy always told us, two wrongs don't make a right.  

God has brought back to me the remembrance of Daddy's words as we were getting ready to walk down the aisle when Terry and I married.  He said "Sissy, I love you.  You know me and Momma love you and you will always have a home.  You will have arguments, you will be aggravated with each other; stay and work it out.   But, if he mistreats you or puts his hands on you, come home. Marriage is hard but it can be the best thing you ever do other than giving your heart to Jesus".

I was "man-handled' on several occasions when I would not see things Jerry's way.  He had thrown my phone across the room more than once before the day he took it from me and choked me.  I should have let it go then.  But, I was stubborn and didn't want to be a failure.  I was gonna prove I did the right thing and it was gonna work!  Ultimately, it did not, it never could have unless Jerry had been able to go to marriage counseling with me.  I believe we could have come to love each other as God commanded if we had gone to counseling and been more open to change.  It didn't happen that way, though, and now I have this looming divorce to contend with.

I believe in marriage...Godly marriage.  No marriage can last unless God is in it.  Our sinful natures will not allow it.  My health is so much better since coming to peace with my decision.  God has restored some things that were getting really desperate.  My last visit with my liver specialist were encouraging.  I am still terminal, but so much better than before!  Praise the Lord!  She was very encouraged and so was I.

My family has been so good to me.  They have loved and been straightforward with me, not allowing me to wallow in pity.  One needs someone who can do that for them at times.  With love and compassion, they have been honest and encouraged me to follow through with this divorce.  So, I will proceed.

Pray for me as I do.  My heart still sometimes yearns to talk to Jerry but I feel the less between us there is, the better it will be.

I love you, my sisters.  I am so very blessed that you ladies have come into my life and dwell in my heart.  You have enriched my life in ways I cannot explain in words.  It's more a feeling, a tug in my heart.  I believe that is the Holy Spirit who has bonded us together.  Getting to know each of you and some of your family and friends has made my life richer and more blessed.  

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,  who have been called according to his purpose."  Rom. 8:28 NIV

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."  Eph. 3:14 NIV

TIME IN A BOTTLE

(WARNING:  Long & Sentimental)

In 1970, Jim Croce wrote this song when his wife told him she was expecting their first child.  It was released on his first album "You Don't Mess Around With Jim" in 1972.  Terry and I met and started dating in May, 1973 but he owned this 8-track and loved listening to it.

As the months passed and we began to fall in love, Time In A Bottle was "our song".  The lyrics seemed to say all the things we felt for each other.  We continued to listen to it for all the years we were together.

Terry and I had some wonderful adventures together.  We shared some heartbreaking moments together.  But we loved, never failing, never backing away, never giving up.  We loved.

We loved our Lord, we loved each other, we loved our family, we loved our church and our church family, we loved our neighbors and friends.

We built a life based upon that love.

On this date 10 years ago, January 26, 2009, that love did not end but it transformed into eternal love when he went home to be with Jesus.  I can barely believe it has been 10 years, yet it seems like a lifetime.  I look at pictures of him, of us, and all our family and friends sharing wonderful times together.

Memories are all I have now, and pictures.  Pictures that remind me of the blessing I had in him and the goodness God imparted to me when he brought him into my life.  Mementoes of a life lived sharing love and happiness, and yes, sad times and trying times as well.

I listen to that song now and tears roll down my face. We never dreamed our time would end so quickly.  We planned on a lifetime together.  Growing old together and spoiling every child we could in the process!

My nephew, Jared, and I were talking the other day about how much we missed Mamaw and Papaw Mac and Uncle Terry. 

Terry’s nickname for our only niece was Blonde Bombshell.  He loved our Katie to the ends of the earth!  He would not leave this world until he had a chance to see her one more time.  I have been told that the nickname was an insult by someone who did not know Terry well or know how he loved that little girl! He did not love Katie more than our nephews, but because she was the only niece, and because he saw the boys more often, she was special to him.

Jared was saying how he could just hear Uncle Terry’s laugh as the girls scampered around the house and see his smile as they came running up to him to wrap their arms around him and hug him tightly.  He said “I can hear Uncle Terry now and that laugh he had and him calling the girls Blonde Bombshell!  It’s for sure, Terry would have loved all the great-grands just as much he loved the grands!

 He had the opportunity to get to know both of Katie and Brian’s children before he left us. He celebrated a birthday with our nephew Caleb (16) and our grand-niece Allyson (2) in March, 2008. He held Allyson briefly but was afraid he would drop her.

When Katie and Brian visited on that day in December 2018, he was so glad to see them and the children.  He was so sick by that time that he didn’t laugh like he usually did or joke around, but it comforted him that he got to see them one last time before he went home.

I miss Terry, every day, every hour.  I don’t think that will ever change.  I still cry myself to sleep on some nights because I miss him so badly.  However, life goes on and we must go on as well.  And I have.

I am so thankful to the Lord for giving Terry to me if only for a while.  That’s all we really have here anyway, a while.  Some of us will be here longer than others but all of us will leave.  I am thankful that I live with assurance that when I go home to Jesus, I know Terry will be there too.

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."       Genesis 2:24  KJV

SECURITY

  Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation--

but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it.  

 For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; 

but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.   

For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God.   

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; 

rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. 

And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."  

The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.   

Now if we are children, then we are heirs--

heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, 

if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. 

Romans 8: 12-17 (NIV)

Joint heirs with Christ....what an exceptional place to reside! Wow!  Everything that Jesus owns is also mine.  Eternal life if just the beginning.  

Peace...finding peace in this troubled world can sometimes seem difficult, even impossible.  But the truth is that His peace abides in me if I belong to Him.  I can tap into that peace no matter how much my life seems to be coming apart around me.  There is no circumstance above that peace unless I allow it to be.

Joy....as we used to sing in church "it is joy unspeakable and full of glory, oh the half has never yet been told"!  I own that joy, there is not need for me to be "under the burden".  The peace of God which passes all understanding is mine. (Philippians 4:7)  The source of joy resides within me, there is no reason for me to be down-hearted or overtaken with sadness.  Do I get sad, of course I do.  The point is, I do not have to live there.  Now, I know some people suffer from problems with brain chemical imbalances and they experience depression.  I am not putting those people down.  God has an answer for that too.  That is why he gave us doctors with knowledge to address those issues.

Unfailing love....I can love the way Jesus loved if I trust Him to guide me through the troubles of life and relationships.  Many will not understand me.  It doesn't matter.  I can live above the hatred so rampant in today's world.  That does not mean I should accept everything without question, but that I should respond with respect and love in every circumstance.

Hope and a future....I sometimes face difficult circumstances on this earth.  I may often feel there is no future for me.  But the truth is much different.  Scriptures teach me that I have "hope and a future". (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)  God tells Jeremiah that he has plans to give him hope and a future.  That promise was fulfilled when Jesus Christ came and died.  When I surrendered my heart to God's will and asked Jesus to live within me, at that very moment I received "hope and a future". 

Eternal life....John 10: 28-29 teaches me that, when I commit myself to Jesus and ask him into my heart, I belong to him ETERNALLY and will never perish nor can anyone take that security from me. I am held eternally in the loving hands of Jesus.  God, the Father, gave me to him and no one can take me from the hands of God, who in turn gives me over to the Son, Jesus Christ.  

I am secure, my future is secure, my hope is secure, peace and joy are secure. I often forget these things for a bit.  A moment, a day, even longer.  But when I reach out to God, the reassurance comes immediately.  You belong to me (that means I belong to Jesus!) and my possessions are eternal.  Nothing can take you from me. Praise the Lord!

Paul reminds me in Romans 8:38-39 (NIV):   

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

No power exists that can remove me from the hands of the father or his son and all the blessings that come with that.

WHEN THE ANSWER IS "NO"

(WARNING:  Long Post)

I have waited to make this post because I want to be real, not Ms. Super Christian or Ms. Poor Little Me but to relate my experiences and the outcomes with reason and the understanding God has given me.  Please know my emotions vacillate from day to day, sometime from hour to hour, even minute to minute.  Yet, when all is said and done, I think this gives a fair representation of what this walk has been and continues to be like.

In St. John, chapter 11, the story of the death of Lazarus is related, along with the pain and grief of his sisters, Mary and Martha.  Pain and grief are normal emotional reactions to loss.  Mary and Martha were not exhibiting a lack of faith or doubt, they were expressing their grief.  Jesus didn't  reprimand them, but lovingly reminded them of the truth about the death of one of his own.

 When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home. "Lord," Martha said to Jesus, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask." Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again." Martha answered, "I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day." Jesus said to her "I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?" "Yes, Lord," she replied, "I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world."

St. John 11:  20-27 (NIV) 

Extreme losses in our lives can feel like death, whether we or one we love is dying or suffering in other ways.  When we understand the truth of death, we can find comfort in that truth because we know him and trust him, we understand that he is the truth and the life. Even the Lord himself felt the pain of grief.  In vs. 35, we find the simple phrase "Jesus wept".  He is not above our pain, but in it with us.  Through him, we find the strength we need to move forward.

In January, 2009, my husband died of complications of NASH cirrhosis and injuries received to his liver during a tragic auto accident in 2000.  Six months later, I learned I was also suffering with End Stage Liver Disease due to NASH.  I didn't know quite how to take the news.  My grief and pain from watching my husband suffer and die was still too new.  Now, I must face the fact that I was facing the same disease.

It took a while to adjust, but my doctors were encouraging and told me I could extend my life if I controlled the diabetes carefully and took better care of myself.  A meeting with my Hepatologist encouraged my sister and I that I had at least 10 years left and might be able to extend that by taking care of myself.

I had times of faith that seemed unreal, even to me.  On the other hand, there were times the gravity of the whole thing was seemingly more than I could comprehend, much less deal with.  How does one deal with something they can't understand?  The medical terms were not hard, it was everything else.  

Faith, family, prayer, doubt, anger, despair, depression, unbelievable support...so many emotions I can't name them all.  Sometimes, one a time and at others, all washing over me with such intensity sanity seemed elusive.  Ultimately, I began to understand I had to make some heavy decisions...life decisions...and I needed more than I held within myself to do that.  So I turned my heart and my attention to the Lord and there is where the truth became evident.

God alone is the giver and taker of life.  I have always said I believed that.  Now, my words had to be my walk.  I cried, I begged, I wailed in intense emotional and spiritual pain.  And then I found, as did the prophet Elijah, God isn't in all the noise and upheaval, He can only be found in the quiet, still voice.  

There he went into a cave and spent the night. And the word of the LORD came to him: "What are you doing here, Elijah?" He replied, "I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too." The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.
 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

  1 Kings 19:9-19:13  (NIV)

So, I set about getting the diabetes well controlled and taking charge of my life emotionally, physically and spiritually.  It was not an easy journey, but the diabetes began to respond with vigilance and better attention to my diet, exercise and mental stress.  I have to say that those times drew me so much closer to the Lord.  I learned to trust him during the years from 2000 and forward in ways I never understood prior to those experiences.

Last year, a meeting with my Hematologist revealed that the liver disease had reached a point that made consultation for transplant an immediate need, if I planned to pursue that avenue.  Frankly, I didn't know if I wanted to do that or not.  However, I decided to meet with the Director of the Transplant Institute at Methodist University Hospital in Memphis, TN.  Those meetings and tests revealed that, not only was my liver in failure, but so were my kidneys and my heart.  He estimated my life expectancy at about 6 months without the transplant.

I know the plans I have for you

" declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Jeremiah_29:11 (NIV)

I cannot tell you how many times in my life I have quoted that verse to myself.  To know that the Lord of heaven has a plan for me is quite a daunting, yet comforting, thought.  When we get hold of that fact deep within our spirit, it changes us.  We sometimes have to be reminded, but if we have ever really set grasp on that understanding, it is a relenting comforter in times of trouble.  I now pursued that understanding in a way which I never had before.  To say you are ready to die is an overwhelming thing to internalize when confronted with certain death. 

I talked with my family and decided to pursue the testing necessary to be listed for a liver transplant.  I was assured that the kidneys wouldn't be problem because they commonly did a liver/kidney transplant on their patients.  However, an issue with my heart was revealed that put a sure halt to all plans.  After two heart procedures, Cardiologists determined that the two blockages were not significant enough to risk by-pass surgery with consideration of my liver condition and dangers of bleeding out due to low platelet counts.  The transplant team will not approve the transplant with the heart issue unresolved.

So, after a year of exhausting medical testing with astronomical medical expenses and frustrating meetings with doctors, the outcome is not what I expected.  I had truly come to believe that transplant was what lay ahead for me.  I confused my will for God's will.

 "Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits 

to see whether they are from God"

1 John 4:1 (NIV)

  "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, 

though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, 

though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, 

yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
  The Sovereign LORD is my strength; 

he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights..."

Habakkuk 3:17- 3:19 (NIV)

Sometimes, we want something so much that we get our will confused with God's will.  We have to be careful and be sure the spirit we are following is that of the Holy Spirit.  When we do, no matter the outcome, we can say with Habakkuk "yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.  The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights.."

Now, I move forward and I live my life each day with joy, hope and comfort.  I am surrounded by people who love me and pray for me.  My family and friends have been extraordinarily supportive and willing to help in any way needed.

 "The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower "

Psalms 18:1 (NIV)

The Lord is my strength. He sends me angels to attend to my every need.  Sometimes, those angels are called family and/or friends.

A New Habit

"I trust you, Jesus".  That is the habit I am trying to develop as this year begins.  When anything comes my way that seems more than I can handle, I want my immediate response to be "I trust you, Jesus".  

Why is that so difficult for me?  I have been a Christian since I was 11 years old.  Jesus has walked beside me, often carrying me, through some dark and difficult times.  He has never failed; he has never left me.  Doesn't that sound like someone who deserves my trust?  Yes, of course it does!  Then, again I ask, why is it so difficult for me?

I want my way, that's why.  I don't want to trust Jesus to carry me through while he works his way in me....I want my way!  I am like a spoiled child who stamps my feet and whines until I believe I am getting it my way.  Not gonna happen my friends!  NOT GONNA HAPPEN!  Jesus loves me, and you, too much for that.

Truthfully, when you relent and allow your children to have their own way, aren't you thinking "go ahead, have it your way, see what that get's you"?  Sometimes, when I think I have won, that's exactly what Jesus does with me.  "Ok, my child, go ahead, have it your way, see what that gets you!"  NOT because he doesn't love me, but because HE DOES!

More than you or I can comprehend, Jesus loves us.  He does not give up on us.  We can trust him.  Why, oh why, do we keep taking him back through the struggles when difficult times come?  He has proven over and over again he is there for us, he has our best interest at heart.  He loves us with an everlasting love.  It has no beginning and it has no ending.  We can trust him.

This is my daily struggle.  I am so stubborn.  There is no one in my life who has never failed me, no one except Jesus.  I can trust him.  He loves me.  He wants only his best for me.  I tell myself these things, but usually after I've argued with him for a while trying to get him to relent and let me have it my way.  

Trust is believing in the reliability of Jesus so much that I am willing to give my will over to his,  knowing the outcome will be a perfect one and will bring multiple blessings to me.  Yet, I make it such a difficult thing to do.  He has proven himself over and over, but I demand MORE.

Dear Jesus, help me to allow the simple fact of your unfailing love to be ever my first thought when problems come.  Help me to say "Lord, I trust you because I know you want only the best for me".  It's a simple prayer but that's something else I'm learning, God isn't impressed with my verbal skills.  He just wants simple words of faith from a sincere heart.  I am trying Lord, I am trying.

I cannot hide from God and nothing can keep me from his presence.  I can trust Him.