Finding What I Never Looked For

I have been trying to write this post for some months now.  I have had a difficult time getting my thoughts together and conveying what I want to say. 

I posted a while back about one of the lessons I learned from the film A Walk To Remember.  I reiterate that I have watched that film many times in the past.  It speaks to me on so many different levels.

Several weeks ago, I did something I have never done in my life; I mailed a fan letter to Shane West, the actor who portrays Landon Carter in the film and I emailed Nicholas Sparks, the author of the novel from which the film was adapted.  Whether either will ever see or read the communications, I know not.  However, there were some things I wanted to say to each of them. 

It has been over 10 years since the release of A Walk To Remember and perhaps neither of them will remember much about the film at all.  However, I wanted both Mr. Sparks and Mr. West to know that their God-given talents made an impression on my life.  An indelible mark was left on my spirit by the way each developed and interpreted the character of Landon Carter in both the book and the film. 

I know that any successful actor or author has to work hard at honing their skills in order to be successful in their chosen field.  By all accounts both of these men are successful. 

Mr. Sparks has written more than 17 best selling novels and has co-authored one other.  Of those, nine have been adapted to film, with the latest being released this year.  He is a philanthropist and is generous with both his time and his financial resources.   In 2008, Entertainment Weekly reported that Sparks and his wife had donated "close to $10 million" to start a Christian, international, college-prep private school, The Epiphany School, which emphasizes travel and lifelong learning.  This is just one of his philanthropic gifts.

Although I know little about Shane West and his personal life, I do know he has been a very successful actor, having had a recurring role as Dr. Ray Barnett on the NBC series ER for three seasons and who is currently cast as Michael in the CW network series Nikita.  He has been fortunate to have come of age in the era of the teen movies of the early 21st century and was always busy.  He has managed a transition from teen idol to a serious adult actor well.  He starred opposite Sean Connery in "A League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" and has many other film and TV credits.

When it all comes down to it though, what really defines success?  Some would say financial security, some would say job security, some would say having the 'things' one has wished for, some might even say having the family one has wished for.  For me, true success comes when I know I am living in the center of God's will for my life.  For too long, I was not.

Losing Terry was an horrific and devastating event in my life.  The grief overtook me, even when I was acting 'normal', inside I was very 'not normal'.  I smiled, I laughed, I stayed connected to friends and family, I made a point of being out and about...I looked like any average person on any average day living any average life.  Inside, I was broken in so many ways I could barely function.

Sadly, that was my life. I got better as time passed but I held on to a place deep within my heart that just would not let go, seemingly could not let go.  Watching this film helped me finish the 'letting go' process.  The last vestige of holding on was the pain I felt because Terry won't be here to help me through my own dying.  I cannot tell you how many times I have cried into my pillow with bitterness because I wasn't going to have him with me when I needed him so badly.

I honestly don't know exactly what it was about this film that helped me let go of that.  But, it did.  In that closing scene when Landon is on the boardwalk and gazing out over the inlet as the sun sets, we hear his voice as he talks about how Jamie saved his life and changed him and how her love was like the wind, he couldn't see it, but he could feel it.  That's exactly what it is like. 

At that moment, after seeing that same scene many times, it finally clicked in my heart.  Terry is in heaven; I have loved him since I was 15 and will continue to love him, but it is time to release all of that to eternity and live again, not just SAY I'm ok, but really BE ok.  I honestly had no tears at that point.  Instead, I smiled because I knew my heart had finally healed.  God had brought me on this journey, had been patient with me as I learned my lessons and had now given me that one last little nudge I needed to finish the journey.

Some will think it absurd that this film could do for me what four years of grieving could not do; what four years of seeking the Lord through His Word had not done; what four years of prayer had not done.  To those I simply say this........God knows my heart, He knows my needs, He decides what it will take to get His message to me.  He has never let me down and He never will.  Do you know why?  Because He understands me; He created me and He gives me what I need, when I need it, in order to further my walk with Him and draw me into closer relationship with Him.

I never knew God could be like this.  I had Him closed up in some little "God box" that was, if you really think about it, an insult to Him and who He really is.  He works so differently than I have known or understood for most of my life.  The events of these last weeks have been as much of a surprise to me as to anyone.  I honestly thought I was doing fine with grief.  The enemy had me convinced that this was as good as it gets after losing someone you love to death. 

I will always miss Terry, I will always love him; I will no more languish in sorrow and yearning for what was or close myself off to life.  That is an insult to the Lord, to Terry and to all that we shared together.  So, I move forward, really move forward. 

Life is an adventure that only gets better as we go if we allow it to.  How do we allow it to?  We yield ourselves to God, ALL of ourselves....our pain, our disappointment, our pride, our anger, our bitterness...yes, all of that; but also our false sense of security in our relationships, our dependence upon what we have (people and/or things in our life) for happiness and peace, our hope in anything temporal.

To that end, God changed my life drastically once I let go off ALL that lay behind me.  Within days of taking off my wedding rings and opening myself to new experiences in this new life God was birthing within me, I see myself and how far I have to go with Jesus by my side.  Whatever comes my way, I WILL by ok.

Terry won't be here to walk with me, but Jerry will.  God gave me what my heart yearned for in a way I could never have imagined or planned.  Every day I am in awe of Him and His love for me.  He is, indeed, an awesome God!

Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you your heart’s desires.

Psalms 37:4   (NLT)

Home........

"This Is Home"

Leaving and cleaving.........

My Maternal Grandparents
Lula Mae Sisco Howell & James Elbert (Elb) Howell
50th Anniversary Picture, 1984

On February 15, 1934, Lula Sisco left her parent's home with her beau, Elb Howell.  Telling her parents Elb was going to take her for a haircut, she sneaked away and the couple were married on that date in the Courthouse in Ripley, Tippah County, MS.  Seventy-nine years have passed since then.  Though both have passed, their love and commitment remained true until the day they left the earth.

 

They had nine children:  Cecil Edward, Bobby Gene, Thelma Mae, John Thomas, Donald Ray, Shirley Ann, Glenda Jo, Kenneth Wayne and Sandra Kaye.  At the time of their 50th anniversary they had 26 grandchildren and 3 great-grandchildren.  Those numbers have increased substantially since that time, now having added great, great-grandchildren to the family. 

 

Grandma could neither read nor write.  She stayed at home with her children and tended house and helped Grandpa with the farm work.  Grandpa raised farm animals, grew crops and worked a full time job at the local hide tannery.  Momma spoke of having gone days without seeing Grandpa removed his shoes.  He would work his factory job at night, come home and work on the farm and sit in a chair to take a nap before having to go back to the factory.  With eleven mouths to feed and bodies to clothe, there was little time for anything but work.

 

Over the years their hearts were broken many times by loss through death.  Grandchildren were stillborn or lived only hours.  A daughter, Shirley, had suffered through the devastation of divorce.  Their oldest child, Cecil,  died in January, 1993 from heart failure.  He had been on the waiting list for a transplant for about one year when he died.  Their 5th child, Donald,  had also died of heart failure in March, 1996.  A granddaughter's (Judy, daughter of Donald) life had been forever altered by the effects of a car accident that left her in a coma for many weeks and which caused the death of her unborn daughter.

 

Grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and they had to be admitted to a nursing home.  Grandpa said goodbye to Grandma in June, 1999.  Grandpa lived to be 93 and died of natural causes in a hospital room next door to the room where his 4th child (John Thomas) was dying of liver failure.  Uncle John died approximately one hour prior to Grandpa in November, 2005.

 

There were also moments of triumph over the years.  After raising 7 of their children into adulthood and the other two quickly growing in that direction, they were finally able to purchase their own home somewhere around 1969-1970.  They had survived a burn out in their earlier years together and had lost every material possession they had.  Thankfully, lives were not lost, nor was there major injuries.

 

They lived to see retirement together and traveled some within the country.  Family gatherings were filled with laughter and joy as everyone came home.  Grandpa would always make his famous vegetable soup for those occasions.  His greatest joy in life was his family; that, and a good Rook game or some checkers from time to time!  He loved life, my Grandma and all of his family.

 

Grandma and Grandpa now rest with the Lord.  I can only imagine the joy and beauty of being in heaven together after loving each other for so many years hear below.

 

 

I Can Only Imagine

Mercy Me

 

 

 

⁴ “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied.

“They record that from the beginning

‘God made them male and female.’”

⁵ And he said, “‘This explains why a man

leaves his father and mother

and is joined to his wife,

and the two are united into one.’

⁶ Since they are no longer two but one,

let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

 

Matthew 19: 4-6  (NLT)





 

 

 

 

Meditation on the Word

 

 

 

 

 

May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you,
O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

Psalm 19:13-14   (NLT)

When God Runs............



A Walk To Remember
Mandy Moore (Jamie) and Shawn West (Landon)

 

For the past several days, I have been absolutely drawn into the movie "A Walk To Remember". The movie came out in 2002 and is an adaptation of Nicholas Sparks' novel of the same name. The lead roles are for teens of about 18 years of age, one male and one female. The male is a good looking young man, very popular in his school, rebellious and the typical 'bad boy' image. The female is a cute girl whose father is the local Reverend. She sings in her church choir and is a sweet and plain young woman with faith and values.

So, there's the premise for the entire movie. What will we do with these teens? They've grown up in small town America and have known each other since Kindergarten, but have taken much different paths. Through a series of events, they are thrown together in a more intimate environment and the story begins.

It is evident from the opening scene that the young man has the nucleus of a good heart, with compassion for others but he cannot overcome his desire to fit in as a member of the 'in' crowd and allow that heart to be nurtured. As the movie progresses, we see the young man's heart softening for the young woman. Still, he struggles with what his friends will say if he professes his affection and attraction for the young woman.

Finally, the inevitable happens and the two young people declare their affection for each other and become a couple. As in life, the other shoe drops and all is in turmoil when tragic news is learned. The remainder of the film deals with two young people, very much in love, dealing with very adult issues, the most painful of which is death.  Throughout this movie, I kept thinking "God is on that young man's trail"!

 

 

Isn't that just like life?  We go about thinking we're doing as we please, that all of our decisions affect no one but us.  Then, something happens that reminds us of our connection to countless others.  We step back and take account of our life and find that God has been running after us for most of our lives.  His only desire is for us to find Him dear to our heart; to love Him the way He created us to; to love each other as we were created to.

God runs after us before we accept Him as our Savior because He wants us to accept the free gift of salvation Jesus Christ has paid for.  We become Christians and He continues to run after us to convince us that it lies in our best interest to be committed to Him and to His way as we live our lives. 

He has a purpose and plan for each of us.  When we walk outside that plan, He runs after us to try to draw us in to the plan that will best glorify Him and give us joy and peace.  Even when we're walking in His plan, He continues to run for us in order to bring us into more intimate relationship with Him, to draw us into Himself and into the depths of His love for us.

So often, we live very surface Christian lives because we refuse to give up what our friends, neighbors and/or family members might think of us if we become 'sold out' for the Lord.  He pursues us, He guides us, He does all He can to entice us into that deeper relationship, yet we turn from it for our own selfish reasons.

Yet, in all of our confusion and downright rebellion, He continues to pursue us, running after us to remind us of the blessings we leave behind when we choose to walk away from a God that has, from the beginning, pursued His people and who will continue to do so until He calls us home.

When is the last time God ran ofter you?  Can you identify it or did you run so hard from Him that you've forgotten what you were running from?  For me, the last rebellion was a bout with grief that turned out to be not about grief at all, but about surrender...submission...letting go....trusting my Creator God to know what is best for me.

God is closing some doors in my life.  Not necessarily places I should not be or go or even people I should or should not be in contact with.  The most poignant has been a clear and definite instruction from God to put my wedding ring away.  I fought that one hard!  I felt as though putting my wedding ring away would feel like I didn't love Terry anymore or that I had forgotten all we shared.  It does neither, rather it only opens my life for new directions and a new way of serving.

I thought I would not be able to be without my ring and determined that I just could not do that.  Then, I began to forget to put my ring on before leaving my house.  I would get half way to where I was going and find I had forgotten my ring.  At first, I was so upset and almost turned around and headed back home just to get my ring.  Something (God?) would not let me do so. 

It doesn't make practical sense to me to put my ring away.  I have loved Terry since I was 15-16 years old.  What sense does it make to put my ring away now simply because he lives in heaven and I'm still here on earth?  Frankly, I don't know.  However, I have learned a thing or two about serving God.  The first is that, God often does not make human sense.  Why should He?  He created me; why should the created expect the creator to explain himself to us?  THAT makes no practical sense either, right?  Right.

I don't always under stand His way, but I understand that He loves me and ALWAYS, ALWAYS does what is best for me and what will allow me to bring more honor to Him.  Sometimes I forget that my purpose here is not to have a good time, or enjoy the ride.  My purpose here to is accomplish the plan He has for my life.  I don't know why wearing my wedding ring interfered with that, but it did. 

So, I put my ring away.  I don't know if this means never wear it again; but I know it means don't wear it for now.  I don't like it; but I'm accepting it and I will like it because I am commanded to revere and honor the Lord.

³⁷ Jesus replied,

“‘You must love the Lord your God

with all your heart, all your soul,

and all your mind.’

³⁸ This is the first

and greatest commandment.

Matthew 22:37-38  (NLT)