True Confessions

I have a confession to make. I am having a great struggle with this holiday weekend. Not because I don't love Jesus Christ or because I don't appreciate what He has done for me. More than at any time in my life, I am aware of my relationship with the Lord Jesus. I am just so full of sorrow, it is difficult to think 'spiritually' at this time. Well, there I've said it. There, in a nut shell, is my struggle.

I have always believed that, as a Christian, the difficult times in your life should draw you closer to the Lord. Your relationship with the Lord should make you more thankful and leave you comforted. I'm having real trouble with that thankful, comforted part. My heart and my soul feel as though they have been ripped apart.

It is yet a bit shy of three months since Terry went home to be with Jesus. Is it too soon; or am I just being a brat? I don't know. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or when I'm supposed to feel. I just know I'm broken inside and I don't know how to fix myself! I am so disappointed in myself. I have always thought of myself as the strong one. I could take whatever life passed my way and be optimistic and thankful.

So what has happened to me? I've never been through anything that could bring me to a sudden halt. I have always been able to 'bounce back'. I can smile and push it down and keep walking. Not this time. Why? Have I been a fake all this time? Am I nothing more than a shell with no substance to who I am?

This isn't my first brush with despair or a broken heart. Oh no, not by far. I've walked this road many, many times in the past. I've been through infertility, childlessness, three miscarriages, the loss of my grandparents, the loss of my father-in-law through suicide, the loss of my Momma, an accident which left my precious husband permanently disabled, years of struggle with my own debilitating illness, not to mention the surgeries, medical procedures and financial struggles associated with illness and infertility. So, I have a great degree of experience in this area.

Nothing has ever left me so completely empty as has Terry's death. At first, I was just numb. I couldn't really feel anything. I just moved from point A to point B because it was expected of me. Then, there was a strange sense of relief. For the first time in nearly nine years, no one was dependant on me and I didn't have be anywhere at any given time if I chose to be elsewhere.

I took the trip to Iowa and had a complete blast! I loved spending time with my niece and her family and seeing new things. Even as I was still with them, I began to feel a change coming over me. I wasn't as happy or as carefree as in the first days there. I laid that off to the fact that I was just physically ill. I came home, battled pneumonia and kept walking. Other little health issues came and went with no real impact.

As time passed, I began to notice that, instead of feeling better, I was feeling worse and worse. Not physically, but emotionally. Being at home alone is sometimes comforting and at others absolutely smothering. At times, I want nothing more than to be at home alone. Then, without warning, I'm completely engulfed with overwhelming loneliness and sorrow. I sit and cry and grieve to the depths of my being. I can't be with anyone, but I so much do not want to be alone.

I'm not sure what to do about all of this. I'm not sure if I need to do anything about all of this. I am so sad and so alone. I just want Terry back and I can't have him back. I just want to hear him laugh or see his face and I can't. There is absolutely nothing I can do to make things different or better.

Oh, I've tried the praying; and begging; and pleading. I've tried 'resting' in the Lord. I've tried 'giving it all' to Jesus. I've cussed; I've fussed; I've prayed just to be dead myself. I can't do anything to make this better! So, I've had to accept the fact that I'm not at all who I thought I was. I thought I was a strong woman. A woman who loved the Lord and who trusted Him with everything in my life. But, that's not who I am at all. I'm just a weak, angry, spoiled brat of a woman who falls apart when she doesn't get her way!

If ever I needed to know who Jesus is and what He has done for me, it is now. If ever I needed redemption, it is now. If ever I needed deliverance, it is now. And yet, here I sit and nothing has changed. I'm still struggling. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of praying. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of crying. I just want it all to be done! I know this is where I'm supposed to find some great spiritual truth to tell you about. I don't have one. I'm not sure I'll ever have one again.