Happy 4th of July

Veteran's Memorial

Middleton, TN

God Bless The U.S.A.!

As I sit here this morning, my heart aches as much, if not more, than it did on that early Monday morning in January when I had just watched my precious Terry step into eternity. Grieving is such an odd journey. Just when I think I'm better, I'm again back where I started.

I went for a drive earlier tonight. The moon shone brightly from a clear sky, with millions of stars twinkling above me. I stopped at an old country road where Terry and I used to take evening walks. I got out of my car and stood alone in the dark, listening to sounds of the night and watching the stars. I remembered those walks of yesteryear.

In my mind's eye I was once again in my thirties with so many dreams for a future with Terry. We walked, laughed, talked, dreamed.....just happy to be with each other and so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who had brought us together when neither was looking for love or commitment. I, too young to think seriously about such things; and he, too young and having too much fun playing the field! Yet, my lifelong friend was dating his friend, she told Terry about me and the rest, as they say, is history!

Tonight I miss him so much. It's the 4th of July weekend, one of Terry's favorite holidays. He loved grilling and he loved eating! Every year, he wanted my family to get together and grill and eat and shoot fireworks in Momma and Daddy's yard. Sometimes we did, sometimes we didn't. When we did, he absolutely loved watching the kids with the fireworks. When we didn't, he and I spent the day and evening alone together, often off on a brief trip somewhere.

It's odd how, when we're busy living our lives, we rarely take the time to stop and appreciate what we have. Then, we lose it and we're left with half-memories and too many regrets. So many of our years together are now just glimpses of memories captured in a picture or snippets of conversation caught on a video tape. Oh, how I wish I had taken more care to treasure each moment and hold it in my heart!

But, I have what I have and there's now nothing that can be done to change it. I am thankful I've always snapped pictures at alarming rates! For all the times Terry fussed at me for always having that camera in my hands, I am so thankful now that I did! I only wish I had been better at it. And, I wish he had been better at standing still so I could snap him! But, like everything else, the time for changing any of that has passed.

So much has passed. When Terry went home to be with Jesus, so much changed in my life. I'm now 'me' and no longer 'we'. I'm a widow, not a wife. If I want to decide what to watch on T.V., there's no one to offer a differing opinion. When it's time to eat, there seems no point in preparing a meal for only one. The plants are all droopy because Terry's not here to remind me to water them. When I come home, the house is so silent and empty, no one to hear me say "I'm home". Yet, I continue to say it because it just doesn't seem right to come home without greeting someone.

I'm way beyond middle-aged and I'm starting all over again. I'm not sure I have the energy to do that. Yet, do that I must; I have no choice in the matter. So, I press on. I have some really good days; days when I almost feel happy again. I laugh and actually enjoy myself. And, I have some sad days; days when all I can do is cry, and that's okay too. I used to feel that the nights were the worst but I'm not sure about that anymore. The time of day doesn't seem to matter much anymore. Perhaps that's just part of the moving forward in the process.

Whatever is or is not, this is my life now. As sad as I am to be without Terry, I also realize just how blessed I am to have had him in my life for the nearly 36 years we were together. He was human and certainly had faults, many and various. He was, however, a wonderful man and a loving husband. We had our troubles as any married couple will have. Our marriage faced struggles, times when we each sometimes wanted to throw up our hands and just walk away. However, we didn't. We stayed because love is not just a snugly emotion, it is a commitment.

Part of our commitment was to love each other until death parted us. We honored that and now I have to figure out where my life goes from here. One thing is certain, our love didn't end with Terry's death; it will never end. When he crossed the threshold into eternity, so did our love; it will never die. Will I love again? I honestly don't know. At this point, I cannot conceive ever being in love again. However, I have learned never to say never. I don't know what God has in store for me in the future, but I know He has a plan and I know I want to be in the center of His plan.

So, as difficult as it is, life goes on; and so must I. I will always love Terry and I will always miss him. After this upcoming surgery and the healing that must occur afterwards, I just want to be able to begin to move forward; to begin to see what God has in store for me. I don't want to box God in and have expectations. I want to be completely open to whatever He has for me.

I pray each of you has a wonderful holiday weekend! May we never cease to be thankful for all the blessings we have in our lives. God bless the U.S.A. and all those brave men and women who have sacrificed to procure and preserve our freedom and all will do so in the future.