Walking.....

The road to nowhere..............

The road to nowhere....that's exactly where I feel like I am these days....going nowhere.

January is the anniversary month of Terry's home going...Jan. 26th to be exact.  It will be four years; four long and overwhelmingly dreadful years. I am overwhelmed with sadness.  Tears wash over me at any and every unexpected moment.  I cry day and night.  I am hibernating and praying no one comes to my door.  I don't want to see people; I don't want to talk to people; I don't want anyone dialing my phone and asking what they can do.  There's not one thing anyone can do for me.  You can't bring Terry back; you can't release me to go to him; you can't make the pain stop; you can't make the pain less than it is.  I love each of you for wanting to help me, but you can't. 

I've taken a hiatus from Facebook.  I know the only source of help and/or hope is through Jesus Christ.  I have to focus all of my attentions on HIM.  Sometimes I forget that; I forget that only He can give me what I need to face all of life's trials, including the grief of releasing my dear husband to heaven. 

I have not always walked as closely with Jesus as I should have; but I have known Him since I was eleven years old.  Believe me, there were times in those years gone by that I tried not to know Him.  I worked very hard at being lost again.  If I were 'lost' then I could just get 'saved' and have a clean slate.  Oh how I longed for that clean slate!  It just doesn't work that way.  Once He's in your heart, He's there to stay.  You can't walk away from Him and He won't walk away from you....you are s-t-u-c-k! 

As sad as I am, I'm thankful I'm stuck with Him.  Wouldn't it be a sad day if the Lord just decided to walk away from us when we're so ugly....to Him, to His children, to His creation?!  I don't want to walk away from the Lord, I just want to undo some things, just take a few steps back.  Is that too much to ask?  I just don't understand. 

Terry and I had dreams, so many dreams.  We dreamed of children, yet we never were able to have them.  We dreamed of a retirement together and traveling to see our country afterwards.  No, that's not gonna happen either.  We dreamed of perhaps doing some missionary work on a foreign field after retirement.  You got it, ain't gonna happen. 

Even years before any considered retirement, we knew those dreams were gone when his accident happened.  He wasn't drinking or drunk, he was tired.  Tired from having worked weeks on end at least 60-70 hours per week.  For the first time in weeks, he was headed home to a 3 day weekend off work.  The new program had been put to rest; the product was overwhelmingly successful with each client who came to review it.  He had been promoted and given a hefty raise because of all his hard work on this project.  I still have the commendation letter from his company president thanking him for the innovative and creative work he had done. 

It was now time to rest, to go out together, to enjoy church together, maybe even spend some time with friends.  Perhaps we would even take a get-away weekend.  We had talked about that as he was preparing to leave for work that Thursday morning.

Before he even made it home that afternoon, all of our future plans changed in just that few minutes it took him to fall asleep and hit that tree head on.  That's not fair!  What makes that fair?  So, we rearranged our lives according to our new 'normal'.  Our dreams changed but that was okay.  We were together and any dream was good as long as were doing it together. 

When we were told he was dying neither of us quite knew what to make of it.  How could this be?  We had been very near death and had looked him in the face more times than one and stared him down.  He left us and we moved on.  Surely we could do that again....surely.  It couldn't be the end for us.  We hadn't had our lifetime yet.  Wasn't that how it worked? 

God set him down in my doorway and delivered me from the hell I was living in after the sexual abuse.  He gave back to me all the enemy had taken from me.  It didn't happen all at once, but over time he was God's instrument to bring healing to my fractured soul and wounded spirit.  Why would God give him to me and allow us to have this love that seemed to transcend all earthly understanding and then take him from me long before we had lived our lifetime together? 

It makes no sense.  I know the right things, the 'Christian' things to say and do.  I am well versed in 'Christian-eze' and can meet you step for step, word for word, scripture for scripture, with that.  What do you do when all of that doesn't even begin to answer your questions or heal your wounds?  Where do you go then? 

You go back to the source of life; you go back to God.  You shower yourself in His Word, you immerse yourself in prayer, you make deliberate decisions to trust Him and you wait....That's the hard part, the waiting....waiting for God to work in me what He began when I was eleven years old. 

Oh dear Lord, please hold tightly to me while you're working or I may just fly to pieces and never be back together again!

Let all who fear the Lord repeat:
“His faithful love endures forever.”

“In my distress

I prayed to the LORD,

and the LORD answered me

and set me free. 

The LORD is for me,

so I will have no fear.

What can mere people do to me?” 

  Psalm 118: 4-6   (NLT)