Be Still....

My life since well before Terry's home going has been filled with stress and the trials that come with caring for a terminally ill individual. For months now, I haven't known real rest or peace. Every waking moment has been full of the needs of my husband, my mother-in-law, my Dad and before her own home going, my Mom. Even when I slept, the sleep wasn't peaceful or restful. I could not sleep deeply, too afraid someone would need me during the night.

Momma's suffering finally ended and the Lord took her to her heavenly home on April 20, 2006. On August 12, 2006, my life was uprooted as we moved into my mother-in-law's home to take care of her after she fell and broke 6 vertebra in her back. Daddy was so emotionally and physically sick, he too almost died within that first year after Momma went home. In the middle of all that, we learned Terry had terminal liver disease.

Turmoil was my way of life. Everyone needed a piece of me and there was nothing left over for me. I struggled and begged the Lord to give me strength so I wouldn't fail my loved ones. He did. In ways I could have never imagined, the Lord met my needs and kept me on my feet, even when my own health was wavering.

After Terry went home, I couldn't understand why I wasn't rebounding as I thought I should. I fought the grief and determined that other women had lived through this tragedy and so would I! I plowed ahead in spite of warnings from my body that it had been neglected for far too long. I would not give in to this; I was stronger than that!

Then, it happened. My body failed me. I was angry with my failing body, with the Lord for allowing it to happen, with Momma and Terry for leaving me, with Daddy and my mother-in-law for still needing so much of my attention when I had nothing left to give. I still would not stop and rest and allow my body time to heal and give attention to it's needs. I was struck down with pneumonia in both lungs, yet I forced myself to plow forward.

Finally, my body said 'enough is enough' and cried out loudly enough to get my attention. When I could barely breathe for the pain in my chest, I listened and I listened well! An overnight in the hospital, along with yet another cardiac catherization and several blood tests finally got my attention. My body would no longer allow me to neglect it.

Then, in my daily devotional reading, the Lord brought these Scriptures to my attention. I knew this, have known it for many years, have counseled others in this very area. What was I thinking? Why did I fail to realize that these Scriptures applied to me too? The Lord let me go as long as He could without allowing me to cause irreparable damage to myself. Then, He drew me up short and stopped me in my tracks and made me see what I had been so diligently running from for so many months. My body needed rest and rejuvenation. My spirit needed healing and my heart needed solace from Him alone.

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him...." Ps. 37: 7a NIV

"Be still and know that I am God...." Ps. 46: 10a NIV

"My soul finds rest in God alone...." Ps. 62:1a NIV

"Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matt. 11: 28-30 NIV

After allowing the Holy Spirit to speak to my heart, and after hearing the diagnoses from the doctors and the admonitions about rest, I FINALLY decided to listen to the Lord and do what He had been urging me to do all along. I rested, not just from busy-ness, but from anger and disappointment. I allowed the Lord to re-fill my heart with the love He had been longing to give me.

Now, I am so much better. I know grief will still present challenges and I will have my times of suffering and sadness. However, I pray I remember to rest in the Lord and allow my body time to recover from the stresses it has endured. What an awesome and loving God we serve!