The Search For Normal

Today's post seems so far removed from anything I've felt over the last several days. Last night was so long and so sad and so difficult. And, the worst of it is, I don't know why. Nothing jumps out at me as a reason for why it was suddenly so sad and so hard. Where did all the emotion come from? I honestly have no idea.

We had planned a trip into Bloomington, MN to the Mall of America for Sunday. However, that plan changed when Jaden awoke with a high temperature. He had not been feeling well on Saturday evening, but both Katie and I thought perhaps he was just tired. The temp proved us both wrong. So, we stayed home and just spent a leisurely day lounging at Katie's house.

As the day progressed, I just felt a pale of sadness overtaking me. I had felt this coming on over the last few days and knew a good cry was coming, but I wasn't prepared for the extreme sadness to return with such full force. The day went on as would any other day. I talked with my Dad in TN. I spoke with my mother-in-law, also in TN. I read my emails and visited blog friends. Everything and everyone seemed normal.

I knew, however, that I was not normal. I was walking and talking and laughing as if I were, but I knew I was not. What is it in me that keeps me going? How can I just keep absorbing the blows and going on as though nothing has changed? How can everyone around me keep going as though nothing has changed? Can't they all see that the world is quickly flying apart at the proverbial seams? How can I tell them so they will understand that nothing is ever going to be the same again?

I don't know what tomorrow holds, but then who does? I just know that this journey is not for the faint of heart. I feel like I'm drowning. I can see the light glinting above the water but I can't quite make it to the surface and get my head above the water. My chest feels crushed with the weight of everything that is happening. I feel as though there is no room in there for air, no way to possibly take another breath. And yet, I keep breathing. How does that happen?

I wish I knew the answers to all my questions, but I don't. In fact, there's very little I do know at this particular time in my life. How can I be so absolutely happy on one day and so ultimately sad on the next? Surely this is not a normal state of being? But then, I'm quite sure nothing has been normal for me since the morning I said goodbye to Terry.

This is new territory for me. I don't know if I'm 'normal' or not, but I do know this, whatever I am right now, I don't possess the ability to be anything else at this time. I know the time will come when I will be able to move from this sadness, but that time is not now. Until that time does come, I'll continue to trust the Lord, lean on my family and friends and allow myself to feel the sadness when it comes. I have no power to do otherwise.