I tried not to eat too much during the day because I didn't want to be up all night again. Well, so far, not doing so well in that area! However, I did sit with Daddy and listened to a recording of Dr. Steve Gaines, Senior Pastor at Bellevue Baptist Church in Memphis, TN. I always record his Sunday sermons on my DVR. He preached about the right relationship of the man and woman within the parameters of God's plan.
As he was preaching, I had a sort of epiphany regarding the way I have been feeling since Terry's home going. As a Christian woman, I have sought diligently to have a right relationship with God and to maintain that relationship through a right relationship in my marriage. As Dr. Gaines was speaking about the roles of men and women in the Christian marriage, I realized exactly what I've been feeling....not in my right place!
My place was always as the submissive in our marriage and in our spiritual relationship. It is God's plan to make the husband the head of the family and to hold him responsible for the well being of the family. I was not always good at that, I will be the first to admit! It came to me honestly, first because of my sin nature and it's natural rebellion against anything of the Lord; and second because my own Momma struggled with her submissive role in her marriage to Daddy.
Over the years, it was something I had to work very hard at in order to be able to submit lovingly and with a good attitude about. Some of that was probably due to the fact that Terry didn't understand his role as the spiritual head of our household. He had not been raised in that kind of environment and found it foreign. As the years went by and we both understood our roles better, it became easier and easier to live the life God planned for us.
The rewards of doing it God's way were many. One of the greatest was the absolute trust it fostered between us. We always discussed issues in our marriage, but we both came to understand that, when it came down to decision time and there was any disagreement whatsoever,we did what Terry thought was right. I came to accept that the responsibility at that point was his and he came to understand that being responsible wasn't such a burden when he gave it all to the Lord.
It made for a wonderfully harmonious relationship, especially in the later years of our marriage. Then, when Terry became so ill and unable to function mentally, that paradigm began to shift and I came to understand that the responsibility was now resting on my shoulders. Even at that, I still had him to talk things through with. He often was not able to even think clearly enough to offer an opinion, but he always listened to hear me out and help me talk it out until I reached a decision.
That's why I find it all so overwhelming now. I no longer have my spiritual head to guide me. Of course I know I have the Lord and goodness knows, I couldn't make it without Him. It is, however, a very difficult thing to transition from the physical presence of your head to that of a spiritual presence only. There have been a lot of major decisions lately...my car needed 4 new tires, I need a new roof on the house, my well is having troubles, my HVAC unit is perhaps on it's last leg AND I would like to do a small addition.
All of these things are not inexpensive things to be considered. The new tires were a given, as are most of the other projects. The only optional project is really the addition. Financial decisions were never difficult for me. I prayed over them, I talked them over with Terry and then I made a decision. Suddenly, I feel paralyzed at the that final stage. I seem unable to actually make the decision. Dr. Gaines teaching tonight helped me understand why.
I am always so amazed at God and how absolutely perfect His timing is. I had absolutely no idea I would hear Caleb's voice again until August 13 at his graduation. Yet, there he was today on the other end of that phone line just when I needed a lift so very badly! I am struggling so hard with all of these financial decisions and BOOM!, just when I need it, the Lord speaks through Dr. Gaines and gives me the reassurance I need to understand my reluctance. He also sends confirmation that I am only experiencing this because I had a right relationship with Terry and this transition is normal for me. I love the first verse and refrain from the old hymn Trust and Obey:
Walking with Jesus is a journey. We let ourselves suffer much more pain than is necessary because we fail to trust Jesus and obey His Word!