Saturday, September 26, 2009

A Letter To Heaven

Me and Terry
Mother's Day, 2008

My sweet Terry, I know you are now with Jesus and for that I am thankful. I cannot believe it has now been eight months since I last saw you, touched your face or held your hand in mine. I don't really know what I thought this would be like, but it is worse than I ever imagined it could be. I know the Lord protects us from thoughts that we cannot process and I am so thankful for that. I surely could not have lived to take care of you had I known how hard it was going to be to go on without you.

I miss you so much. I miss your smile and your funny little laugh. I miss your silliness and the way you picked on me every waking hour of our day. I miss hearing you tell me you love me and that I'm beautiful. I even miss having to tell you to turn the TV down so I can hear myself think! I miss the stacks of newspapers always puddled around your chair and blocking the pathway. I miss hearing you call me from across the house to come do something for you that you could have done for yourself! What I would give to hear you call my name just one more time!

Eight months ago today, I was so tired and so numb that the depth of the sadness couldn't sink in. Charlotte and Debra were holding me up because I couldn't hold myself. People were so kind and many came by to sit for a while and express their sympathy. Charlotte and Deb and their families and Daddy all came in for supper that night and everyone gathered around to help hold me up. I honestly don't know what I would have done without them. You would be so proud of them and the way they have taken care of me!

The boys have all been so good to me, helping me with things around the farm and just calling to check up on me. Daddy worries way too much about me, but I guess that's just being a good Daddy, huh?! I went to Katie's and spent almost a month. It was so nice to spend time with them. The kids are getting so big Terry. They are growing up much too fast. Alix and Jaden will be 9 and 7 in October and Allyson will be 3 in February. Oh, and she is such a little joy! She can say things that will just slay you! You would absolutely LOVE her!

Jaden is a skate board fanatic! He is really good to be such a young boy! Alix is all about being a cheerleader! She has joined a 'cheernastics' class on Monday afternoons and Katie says she loves it. She has a cheer clinic today. The high school cheerleaders are doing it for the elementary kids. Alix will go into their middle school next year and so she qualified to participate in the cheer clinic because she wants to be a cheerleader in middle school. I'm not sure what Jaden will do. He mentioned maybe wanting to do hockey again this winter. We'll see.

All of Charlotte and Ricky's family and I met in Branson, MO for the Labor Day weekend. It was so much fun, but it was a bit bittersweet for me. I kept remembering the last time I was there with you and Momma and Daddy. It has really changed and grown since we were there! None of them had ridden the ducks, so we did that and everyone really enjoyed it. We went to a safari park and to a Springfield Cardinals baseball game. I really enjoyed it. I remember when you used to tell me about Bill taking all you guys to the Diamond Jaxx games and I really couldn't understand why you enjoyed it. I do now. I really had a good time.

Deb and Dwade took a weekend trip to East Tennessee and had a really good time. Daddy stayed at home alone, he was adamant that he would be just fine! And, he was! He, Charlotte, Allyson and I met for supper at Chapman's on the Saturday night. We had a really good time and Allyson kept us entertained. Everyone else was busy, so we just went by ourselves! Daddy treated us so it made it even better!!!! :)

Oh, Terry, life is so hard without you. I do have good times and I do enjoy spending time with the family, but I sure wish you were still here with me! Not a day goes by that something doesn't happen that I want so badly to be able to tell you and talk over with you. I miss that so much. When I was at Katie's, there were so many things we did that I so wanted you to be there to share. I feel like half of me is missing and I'm not really sure that I'll ever feel whole again.

So, eight months have passed and I am moving on with my life; but I will never stop missing you and I will never stop loving you. There is a hole in me that has become so familiar and I realize it is because it is where you once were. Every time I leave the house, I think "I need to call Terry and make sure he is okay". I know you are so much more than okay! But, I still miss you! I always will...........

I love you, Terry Chandler. I have loved you from almost the first time I saw your face and I will always love you. How blessed I am to have known you and to have been loved by you! I am forever yours...................