Saturday, September 26, 2009

A Letter To Heaven

Me and Terry
Mother's Day, 2008

My sweet Terry, I know you are now with Jesus and for that I am thankful. I cannot believe it has now been eight months since I last saw you, touched your face or held your hand in mine. I don't really know what I thought this would be like, but it is worse than I ever imagined it could be. I know the Lord protects us from thoughts that we cannot process and I am so thankful for that. I surely could not have lived to take care of you had I known how hard it was going to be to go on without you.

I miss you so much. I miss your smile and your funny little laugh. I miss your silliness and the way you picked on me every waking hour of our day. I miss hearing you tell me you love me and that I'm beautiful. I even miss having to tell you to turn the TV down so I can hear myself think! I miss the stacks of newspapers always puddled around your chair and blocking the pathway. I miss hearing you call me from across the house to come do something for you that you could have done for yourself! What I would give to hear you call my name just one more time!

Eight months ago today, I was so tired and so numb that the depth of the sadness couldn't sink in. Charlotte and Debra were holding me up because I couldn't hold myself. People were so kind and many came by to sit for a while and express their sympathy. Charlotte and Deb and their families and Daddy all came in for supper that night and everyone gathered around to help hold me up. I honestly don't know what I would have done without them. You would be so proud of them and the way they have taken care of me!

The boys have all been so good to me, helping me with things around the farm and just calling to check up on me. Daddy worries way too much about me, but I guess that's just being a good Daddy, huh?! I went to Katie's and spent almost a month. It was so nice to spend time with them. The kids are getting so big Terry. They are growing up much too fast. Alix and Jaden will be 9 and 7 in October and Allyson will be 3 in February. Oh, and she is such a little joy! She can say things that will just slay you! You would absolutely LOVE her!

Jaden is a skate board fanatic! He is really good to be such a young boy! Alix is all about being a cheerleader! She has joined a 'cheernastics' class on Monday afternoons and Katie says she loves it. She has a cheer clinic today. The high school cheerleaders are doing it for the elementary kids. Alix will go into their middle school next year and so she qualified to participate in the cheer clinic because she wants to be a cheerleader in middle school. I'm not sure what Jaden will do. He mentioned maybe wanting to do hockey again this winter. We'll see.

All of Charlotte and Ricky's family and I met in Branson, MO for the Labor Day weekend. It was so much fun, but it was a bit bittersweet for me. I kept remembering the last time I was there with you and Momma and Daddy. It has really changed and grown since we were there! None of them had ridden the ducks, so we did that and everyone really enjoyed it. We went to a safari park and to a Springfield Cardinals baseball game. I really enjoyed it. I remember when you used to tell me about Bill taking all you guys to the Diamond Jaxx games and I really couldn't understand why you enjoyed it. I do now. I really had a good time.

Deb and Dwade took a weekend trip to East Tennessee and had a really good time. Daddy stayed at home alone, he was adamant that he would be just fine! And, he was! He, Charlotte, Allyson and I met for supper at Chapman's on the Saturday night. We had a really good time and Allyson kept us entertained. Everyone else was busy, so we just went by ourselves! Daddy treated us so it made it even better!!!! :)

Oh, Terry, life is so hard without you. I do have good times and I do enjoy spending time with the family, but I sure wish you were still here with me! Not a day goes by that something doesn't happen that I want so badly to be able to tell you and talk over with you. I miss that so much. When I was at Katie's, there were so many things we did that I so wanted you to be there to share. I feel like half of me is missing and I'm not really sure that I'll ever feel whole again.

So, eight months have passed and I am moving on with my life; but I will never stop missing you and I will never stop loving you. There is a hole in me that has become so familiar and I realize it is because it is where you once were. Every time I leave the house, I think "I need to call Terry and make sure he is okay". I know you are so much more than okay! But, I still miss you! I always will...........

I love you, Terry Chandler. I have loved you from almost the first time I saw your face and I will always love you. How blessed I am to have known you and to have been loved by you! I am forever yours...................



Pam said...

I'm so sorry, Di, for your loss. You wrote a beautiful tribute to your hubby and your love shines through with each word.
I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

Lorrene said...

I know it's been really hard for you. I just want you to know I am praying for you.

Kathy P said...

This kind of love never fades... you will be with him again.

Love you! Keep on hanging on!

Denise said...

Such a beautiful tribute.

Grandma Elsie said...

Di I wish I could tell you the feeling would go away . But it is an empty feeling that only one person could fill and now we have to find other things to fill us , which doesn't seem to work does it . But at least we are trying and days are going past us .
Hang in there girl .it has been 41 years since my daughter went home and soon to be 26 months since my husband went also.
I just ill my life with everything I can to be busy and not think.
God is our source of strength and our help.
Come on back and let us help .
In my prayers
Elsie <><

Theresa @ Take A Sentimental Journey said...

Still praying for you Diane. How are you doing ?

Terry said...

dear diane..for some reason i have been thinking about you tonight and so i thought i would check on you.
even though it is so nice to hear your voice again, i am sad by your sadness and loneliness dear diane.
how privileged we are in that your talking to terry you are letting us in on what is happening in your life.
god will continue to be with you diane and your family and your friends have their arms around you....all my love...XXXX

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I am so sorry. ((HUGS)) Would you like a handkerchief from my For Your Tears blog. Loss is loss and I would love to catch your tears.
Send me your full name & address and I will get one in the mail to you.

The Raggedy Girl said...

How absolutely beautiful, thank you so much for sharing all the wonderful memories. You are a fantastic woman.

The Raggedy Girl

Trish said...

Dear Diane...You have been on my heart...I have missed you and know that you have had so many adjustments to make on this new path that you, now travel alone. My thoughts and prayers are with you sweet friend...Hugs.

Felisol said...

Dear Diane,
I now I cannot even begin to feel what your sorrow is like.
The depth of your love or the vast, empty space after your beloved Terry.
I'm so selfish, I dare not begin to reflect on what or how it must feel to loose the love of my life.

I lost my father 2 years ago, and it aches lie it was yesterday, even though he was 86 when he died and longed to come home to meet Jesus.
With my logic sense I know it was for the best that Jesus took him home.
I still miss him, because he loved me so much and gave me even more.

Still I have a husband a daughter and a mother to poor all my love over, and get equal much in return.
I will not and cannot bear the thought of loosing one of them.
Emily Dickinson wrote," Parting is all we know of heaven, and all we need of hell."

I tend to agree.
From Felisol

Anonymous said...

I've been wondering how you are doing. Weeping with you precious one!


Constance said...

Diane, God brought all of us together for a reason. Your openness and honesty about where you are in life just increases your wisdom. I think have shared this before but I learned this in Beth Moore's "Daniel" study:

"Sometimes God delivers us FROM the fire, sometime God delivers us IN the fire and sometimes He delivers us THROUGH the fire."

My heart can't conceive of where you are and the loss you have to deal with. It really doesn't want to to be perfectly honest!

We are all here for you during this time and we will love on you as best we can. God however, is the ultimate lover of your bruised and battered soul. Crawl up in His lap and let Him wrap His arms around you and soothe you with His love!

Love, Connie

Pat said...

Crying with you and praying for you. I send hugs and love.

Mrs. Mac said...

Gosh, Diane, just cruised over here to find your heart aching so. Your pain is still so raw and I feel for you. Like the others, I can't even imagine your painful loss. But if I could, I'd come and sit with you, fix you some tea and pray that Jesus would take away some of your pain. Know that your are loved.


Pocahontas said...

I'm so sorry for your loss :( This is the most beautiful tribute I've ever read. It made me cry :...( Sending big hugs your way!