Sunday, May 30, 2010

Feeling 'Blusy"

It's about 6 a.m. and I'm sitting here at my computer trying to sort my thoughts into something that is discernible to all of you.  I have had several days of extreme sadness.  I'm not really sure what's going on.  It's no secret that I miss Terry more than I ever imagined I could.  However, even though I still have periods of sadness and almost overwhelming loneliness, I can honestly say I'm doing ok with the grief.

It's also no secret to anyone who knows me that I have some health issues that really get me down sometimes.  My blood sugar levels have been extremely high for quite some time now, ranging from 300+ to around 900.  I know that's one of the reasons I'm so out of sorts.  Who wouldn't be, right?!  However, Dr. Diffee started me on Lantus and that is slowly bringing the levels down and I feel so much better.  Even the nausea and vomiting are much better.  So, again, that seems to be so much better.

Daddy is getting weaker and having more health problems.  His mental status seems to be changing before our eyes.  He has always been a very regimented person, perhaps due to his time in the Army.  Medications MUST be taken on time, meals are necessary within a certain time frame, wake up time has been 7 a.m. since basically he retired and bed time is generally around 9:30 at night, occasionally that could go until 10:00 if he is really interested in something on T.V.  Breathing treatments are at 7 a.m., Noon, 4 p.m. and 8 p.m.  That schedule just NEVER changes without a lot of complaining on his part.

Recently, he is getting up at least an hour earlier, doing his breathing treatments off schedule and talking a lot about driving himself to his doctor's appointments over in Jackson.  He hasn't even driven himself to Bolivar in many months!  These may sound small to anyone outside our inner family circle, but to me, Charlotte and Debra they are big changes for Daddy.  His breathing is much worse and the coughing is now so bad at night that he wakes Debra and Dwade from across the house and with both their bedroom doors closed.  So, that is of course a major source of concern for me, but nothing I didn't know was coming and haven't been expecting and preparing myself for.

Caleb, my youngest nephew, is leaving tomorrow afternoon to meet up with his group in Memphis.  They will fly out on Monday for Ft. Leonard Wood, MO for his Basic Training.  He will be there for about 10 weeks.  While it is bittersweet to see him so grown up, I am so proud of him for this choice!  He has been, since his childhood, always more responsible than his years.  He still is.  After his swearing in last weekend, we were leaving the stadium.  I was telling him how proud I was of him and how proud Uncle Terry would be too.  He hugged me tight and said he sure wished Uncle Terry could be there to give him a big ole Bear Hug!  Then, we both cried, but not sad tears; rather tears of joy in remembering how much Uncle Terry loved him!

So, there are the things going on in my life.  I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why I'm so 'blusy' that word?!  Probably not!  I do know this one thing, no matter how sad or lonely I feel, I only have to lift my hands to heaven and begin to praise my Savior and the tears flow.  Immediately I am filled with love that gathers me to my Father's breast and holds me in complete assurance and contentment.  The times are difficult, the days are long, but the love of my Lord is always MORE.....MORE than I deserve, MORE than I imagined, MORE than I can comprehend! 

I am so thankful I serve the God of MORE!!!!  Aren't you?!


Sara said...

i understand much of your feelings, if not your circumstance. i have a tendency toward the blues myself and have learned (or rather asked the Holy Spirit) to discern my feelings. one thing i've learned is that there will be no always-perfect emotional life. perfection of joy is only for heaven. and so here, joy is knowing we are held by Christ and fullness of joy awaits. love you!

Unknown said...

Reading your post, I realized that while the things that are going on in your life are all "expected" they're also all happening at the same time. That's a lot for anyone to handle all at one time so it doesn't surprise me that you're feeling blusy (I like that word!) What I love about your post is the reminder of how good our Father is to us; how quick to comfort, to gather us onto Himself. We can rest easy in Him!! Thank you for the reminder! I love you and am praying for you.

Trish said...

Dear Di...If we are honest with ourselves, we all get the blues at times. You, have been through so much that it is understandable. Some would never admit feeling low, but you do. And you never question God or complain. I admire you my precious friend.
Love you bunches!

Jada's Gigi said...

He is indeed the God of MORE! I am so thankful that you know that about Him and turn to Him in the good times and the difficult ones. He is more than enough to handle them all! Love you!