Saturday, July 4, 2009

Happy 4th of July

Veteran's Memorial
Middleton, TN
God Bless The U.S.A.!

As I sit here this morning, my heart aches as much, if not more, than it did on that early Monday morning in January when I had just watched my precious Terry step into eternity. Grieving is such an odd journey. Just when I think I'm better, I'm again back where I started.

I went for a drive earlier tonight. The moon shone brightly from a clear sky, with millions of stars twinkling above me. I stopped at an old country road where Terry and I used to take evening walks. I got out of my car and stood alone in the dark, listening to sounds of the night and watching the stars. I remembered those walks of yesteryear.

In my mind's eye I was once again in my thirties with so many dreams for a future with Terry. We walked, laughed, talked, dreamed.....just happy to be with each other and so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who had brought us together when neither was looking for love or commitment. I, too young to think seriously about such things; and he, too young and having too much fun playing the field! Yet, my lifelong friend was dating his friend, she told Terry about me and the rest, as they say, is history!

Tonight I miss him so much. It's the 4th of July weekend, one of Terry's favorite holidays. He loved grilling and he loved eating! Every year, he wanted my family to get together and grill and eat and shoot fireworks in Momma and Daddy's yard. Sometimes we did, sometimes we didn't. When we did, he absolutely loved watching the kids with the fireworks. When we didn't, he and I spent the day and evening alone together, often off on a brief trip somewhere.

It's odd how, when we're busy living our lives, we rarely take the time to stop and appreciate what we have. Then, we lose it and we're left with half-memories and too many regrets. So many of our years together are now just glimpses of memories captured in a picture or snippets of conversation caught on a video tape. Oh, how I wish I had taken more care to treasure each moment and hold it in my heart!

But, I have what I have and there's now nothing that can be done to change it. I am thankful I've always snapped pictures at alarming rates! For all the times Terry fussed at me for always having that camera in my hands, I am so thankful now that I did! I only wish I had been better at it. And, I wish he had been better at standing still so I could snap him! But, like everything else, the time for changing any of that has passed.

So much has passed. When Terry went home to be with Jesus, so much changed in my life. I'm now 'me' and no longer 'we'. I'm a widow, not a wife. If I want to decide what to watch on T.V., there's no one to offer a differing opinion. When it's time to eat, there seems no point in preparing a meal for only one. The plants are all droopy because Terry's not here to remind me to water them. When I come home, the house is so silent and empty, no one to hear me say "I'm home". Yet, I continue to say it because it just doesn't seem right to come home without greeting someone.

I'm way beyond middle-aged and I'm starting all over again. I'm not sure I have the energy to do that. Yet, do that I must; I have no choice in the matter. So, I press on. I have some really good days; days when I almost feel happy again. I laugh and actually enjoy myself. And, I have some sad days; days when all I can do is cry, and that's okay too. I used to feel that the nights were the worst but I'm not sure about that anymore. The time of day doesn't seem to matter much anymore. Perhaps that's just part of the moving forward in the process.

Whatever is or is not, this is my life now. As sad as I am to be without Terry, I also realize just how blessed I am to have had him in my life for the nearly 36 years we were together. He was human and certainly had faults, many and various. He was, however, a wonderful man and a loving husband. We had our troubles as any married couple will have. Our marriage faced struggles, times when we each sometimes wanted to throw up our hands and just walk away. However, we didn't. We stayed because love is not just a snugly emotion, it is a commitment.

Part of our commitment was to love each other until death parted us. We honored that and now I have to figure out where my life goes from here. One thing is certain, our love didn't end with Terry's death; it will never end. When he crossed the threshold into eternity, so did our love; it will never die. Will I love again? I honestly don't know. At this point, I cannot conceive ever being in love again. However, I have learned never to say never. I don't know what God has in store for me in the future, but I know He has a plan and I know I want to be in the center of His plan.

So, as difficult as it is, life goes on; and so must I. I will always love Terry and I will always miss him. After this upcoming surgery and the healing that must occur afterwards, I just want to be able to begin to move forward; to begin to see what God has in store for me. I don't want to box God in and have expectations. I want to be completely open to whatever He has for me.

I pray each of you has a wonderful holiday weekend! May we never cease to be thankful for all the blessings we have in our lives. God bless the U.S.A. and all those brave men and women who have sacrificed to procure and preserve our freedom and all will do so in the future.


Trish said...

Oh have been on my mind so much these past few days. I am and will be praying for you...not just healing for your body but for your heart. I can feel your grief through this post. How, I wish we lived closer, so that I could give you a big ol' hug! I love you sweet friend.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine being in your shoes.
We take for granted what we have and this is a great reminder to hold on to each day you have together. I am pretty sure we are around the same age. I hope you have family and friends around who are helping you through your sorrow. Have a pleasant day and may God Bless you, giving you comfort to move forward.

Terry said...

dearest diane,
i just came by to say hi and tell you that i have been thinking of you today on this special american holiday, the fourth of july.
i was thinking how important this would of been for you and terry and as i read your post, i could see between the lines how sad and lonely you are.
i see you on facebook and you sounded good so i really have just been coming here to read, and not comment.
i know that i am long winded, a real bad fault of mone diane, but i am going to come up more often here and talk to terry

bj said...

Hi, Di..Just stopping by to say hello...I have missed you coming by to see me.
Have a safe holiday and take good care...

Vivian said...

As I've posted before, I enjoy reading your postings. They are from the heart.

Happy 4th of July!! (Neighbor ... I'm in Kentucky)

Lorrene said...

I always enjoy reading your posts. Happy 4th to you.

Angela said...

My heart is aching for you Diane! I'm sure that you are feeling so down because it is a holiday that your Terry loved. I've always heard that the holidays are the hardest when you have lost the one that you love. Do you have a good dog? I know that sounds stranage but I know that when I'm feeling down all I have to do is go to my dogs and they always make me laugh. They can feel my pain and they somehow know how to help me. Corgi's always have a smile on their face. My Jazz makes me laugh all the time.

We are hoping to see some fireworks tonight but for the past 2 years we haven't been able to go because of the rain. And it looks like it is going to rain on our trip to see the fireworks tonight to. The kids really want to go. We do have some sparklers that we bought while on vacation that were left over that we will do tonight so maybe that will make them happy.

Happy 4th of July!


Pam said...

Hi Diane,
I am praying for you this weekend. I can't even imagine the pain you are experiencing.

Montee said...

Prayers for you, Di.