I seem to always be smiling but the sadness is just beneath the surface.
Some friends and I have been discussing the fact that our blogging, or lack thereof, has seemingly succumbed to our Facebooking and why we had allowed that to happen. Frankly, I haven't felt that I had a lot to say recently.
The past few years have been difficult. The really difficult years started in February, 2006 and pretty much hasn't let up since. In that 6 years, I have watched my Momma, my husband and my Daddy die. In addition, my husband nearly died, as did my middle sister, who both had sepsis. My husband was diagnosed with terminal NASH cirrhosis and my mother-in-love fell and broke her hip and ended up first in a nursing home and now in an assisted living facility.
In addition to all that, I have had my own health issues to deal with as well. One of which was my own diagnosis with End Stage Liver Disease due to NASH cirrhosis only 6 months after my husband's death. How in the world was I suppose to deal with that?! Life has been difficult.
Now, what does that all have to do with blogging you ask? Simply this, I feel as though my spirit is broken and I don't want to talk about that. Above all else, I am a Christian. I love Jesus Christ with all I am and am dreadfully fearful of bringing dishonor to His Name. I find that I am often afraid to be real. What if I give someone the idea that Jesus is somehow deficient because I am deficient? What if someone should decide that Jesus isn't for them because I'm having such a difficult time dealing with my life's issues?
I often struggle with sharing my feelings because they are such a dichotomy. In one instance, I can be both dreadfully sad and disparaging, while at the same time feel great joy for other things going on in my life. I struggle with how to find a balance in all of that. Do I deny the sadness and despair and focus only on the joy; or do I focus on the sadness and give a lesser acknowledgement to the joy? Where is the balance? How can I be at both ends of the spectrum at once?
Momma used to tell me that being a woman meant I could feel deeper because God gave women that ability. Is this what she was referring to? It this feeling both ends of the spectrum at one time the 'deeper' feeling she was talking about? What I would give just to sit down and talk to Momma for just an hour! But that, like so much else in my life, will not be again on this earth. Why didn't I take more care to talk to Momma and glean all the wisdom she had acquired before she left? I knew she was terminal; why did I waste that opportunity?
The same is true with Terry and Daddy. I knew they were dying. Why didn't I talk to them more about the things that really matter? What was I thinking on all those days when I let hours slip by me without sitting with them and talking about the lessons they had learned from life? Or, what about the joys, and sorrows, we had shared? Why didn't I talk about all of that with them more? I had the opportunity; God gave me the gift of that time. Why didn't I use it better?
As I think this out and write, I realize I am much less 'through' my grieving process than I thought. I've just let it pile up because I didn't know how to deal with the grief and keep doing for the next one in line. Now, it's all piled up and I have no idea where to begin to unravel it.
So, this little excursion into blogging on this night has brought me to a great realization.........I am a liar. I have lied to all the people who have asked "How are you" and I have answered "Good". The truth is, I don't know how I'm doing; I really don't. Therefore, my goal for 2012 is to find out how I am doing and to deal with all this piled up emotion and to do so in a real way......good, bad or otherwise.