Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Liar...Liar...Pants on Fire

December 2011
I seem to always be smiling but the sadness is just beneath the surface.

 Some friends and I have been discussing the fact that our blogging, or lack thereof, has seemingly succumbed to our Facebooking and why we had allowed that to happen. Frankly, I haven't felt that I had a lot to say recently. 

The past few years have been difficult.  The really difficult years started in February, 2006 and pretty much hasn't let up since. In that 6 years, I have watched my Momma, my husband and my Daddy die.  In addition, my husband nearly died, as did my middle sister, who both had sepsis.  My husband was diagnosed with terminal NASH cirrhosis and my mother-in-love fell and broke her hip and ended up first in a nursing home and now in an assisted living facility. 

In addition to all that, I have had my own health issues to deal with as well.  One of which was my own diagnosis with End Stage Liver Disease due to NASH cirrhosis only 6 months after my husband's death.  How in the world was I suppose to deal with that?!  Life has been difficult.

Now, what does that all have to do with blogging you ask?  Simply this, I feel as though my spirit is broken and I don't want to talk about that.  Above all else, I am a Christian.  I love Jesus Christ with all I am and am dreadfully fearful of bringing dishonor to His Name.  I find that I am often afraid to be real.  What if I give someone the idea that Jesus is somehow deficient because I am deficient?  What if someone should decide that Jesus isn't for them because I'm having such a difficult time dealing with my life's issues?

I often struggle with sharing my feelings because they are such a dichotomy.  In one instance, I can be both dreadfully sad and disparaging, while at the same time feel great joy for other things going on in my life.  I struggle with how to find a balance in all of that.  Do I deny the sadness and despair and focus only on the joy; or do I focus on the sadness and give a lesser acknowledgement to the joy?  Where is the balance?  How can I be at both ends of the spectrum at once?

Momma used to tell me that being a woman meant I could feel deeper because God gave women that ability.  Is this what she was referring to?  It this feeling both ends of the spectrum at one time the 'deeper' feeling she was talking about?  What I would give just to sit down and talk to Momma for just an hour!  But that, like so much else in my life, will not be again on this earth.  Why didn't I take more care to talk to Momma and glean all the wisdom she had acquired before she left?  I knew she was terminal; why did I waste that opportunity?

The same is true with Terry and Daddy.  I knew they were dying.  Why didn't I talk to them more about the things that really matter?   What was I thinking on all those days when I let hours slip by me without sitting with them and talking about the lessons they had learned from life?  Or, what about the joys, and sorrows, we had shared?  Why didn't I talk about all of that with them more?  I had the opportunity; God gave me the gift of that time.  Why didn't I use it better?

As I think this out and write, I realize I am much less 'through' my grieving process than I thought.  I've just let it pile up because I didn't know how to deal with the grief and keep doing for the next one in line.  Now, it's all piled up and I have no idea where to begin to unravel it. 

So, this little excursion into blogging on this night has brought me to a great realization.........I am a liar.  I have lied to all the people who have asked "How are you" and I have answered "Good".  The truth is, I don't know how I'm doing; I really don't.  Therefore, my goal for 2012 is to find out how I am doing and to deal with all this piled up emotion and to do so in a real way......good, bad or otherwise.


Mrs. Mac said...

Oh Diane, I have seen such growth in you the past few years .. healing and dealing with what's been dished upon your plate. May God continue to give you grace to get along and find a renewing of mind, spirit and soul. I love you my sister :)


Diane said...

Thank you Cathy. I have had trouble being 'real' with people since I began hiding the abuse way back when I was 13. What a shame that it is now over 40 years past that and I'm still trying to overcome that! About time I moved forward, I'd say! I love you too Cathy and am so thankful for you!

Constance said...

You know Diane when the nitty hits the gritty, we are all flawed!! There's nothing good and sincere in any of us, except Christ crucified. The truth is we plug along the best we can. Some days we really do feel like overcomers through the blood and other days we are left wondering why it seems God has abandoned us. No one has it all together this side of heaven and that's the honest truth.

My best friend Brenda and her husband Charlie (Dave's best friend and our son's namesake) come down every year after Christmas. It's a wonderful time, lots of one on one and heart to heart talks. Several times last week Brenda told me to quit beating myself up over stuff. I shall now tell you the same, "Quit beating yourself up."

Self evaluation is good, it's necessary to continue growing in our Christian walk. To dwell on our deficiencies, beat ourselves up and feel unworthy is from the father of lies. He doesn't want us to like ourselves.

You HAVE had lots on your plate. If you're like me it's not been a plate or even a platter for that matter, it's been a hog trough of junk!!

God revealed something to me this morning and maybe it is for you as well. God knows our future, the good, the bad and the ugly. We can't understand the "whys in life" every time they hit us. However, I do know that God also controls the "when's" in my life. In His word we are assured that there will be difficulties in this life. However I have realized that when those times come, God has already grown me in advance to handle them. WHEN those times do in deed come, they are not a moment too soon or a moment too late. The situation isn't perfect but God's timing always is.

Love you sweetie!

Cyn said...

Diane, my dear sister, you have put into words so much of what I'm feeling as well. I love you and will walk through this with you if you'll have me.
I was just on my blog this morning and thought that I needed to start again too. Great minds really do think alike!!

Jada's Gigi said...

I believe this to be an excellent exercise for you this year. God will walk you right through all this stuff and bring you through on the other side, I just know it! Love you, sister!

Anonymous said...

Oh Diane! all I want to do is wrap my arms around you and hug you!! the good, the bad and the otherwise, you are not alone.

Trish said...

My dear friend what I would give to be able to wrap my arms around you. Do not feel guilt about, what ifs and might have beens! Go forward...today is a new beginning. Why? Because you are aware of the truth...we don't have to know what we are doing. Jesus, orders our steps...let him lead you.
I love you Di!
Big Hugs and lots of prayers.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing! Because, guess what, we're NOT shocked! When it comes down to it, we are all liars because we say the same thing you do..."I'm fine, I'm good" when we know we aren't.

I dare say most of us aren't sharing the same struggles you are but we all have our struggles. We are sisters in Christ and I think most of us feel as you do...we just want to be HONEST about our struggles! And then we don't want to be judged - we just want our sisters (& brothers) to come along beside us, love us, hold us up, and pray, pray, pray.

So know this - I love you so much. I will never be shocked @ your struggles and I will be there for you. I have been praying for you physically but now I know to pray for you emotionally, too! We are your prayer warriors, girl!! Don't ever be ashamed or embarrassed to admit "I'm having a hard time."

Jesus loves us so much & I know that you know this. He doesn't forsake us or shake His head in disgust when we struggle & fail. He just lifts us up again & again. And one of the things He has done for you is to give you US. You have US. I repeat...He gave you some prayer warriors! He gave you sisters in Christ who love you! We're standing in the gap for you!!

Deb said...

I have read your post...and I have cried - once again as I am reminded of all you have had to embrace in this life. Diane, you have certainly had a heaping helping of life's crud dished out to you in the last few years. I know that we all have our stuff...but you have endured so much. ...and with much grace. In the few years that I have known you, I have always been envious of your unwavering faith. As Connie said, don't beat yourself up. You are certainly entitled to your feelings - good, bad or otherwise.

I am convinced that the Lord will continue to carry you through. Laugh when you can - cry when you need to cry - rest in His arms - and know that I continue to pray for you each day. I am blessed and honored to know you and count you as my friend. It blows me away to think about how the Lord orchestrated this friendship amongst all of us...He is an amazing God - He sees all - He knows all. He understands all that we feel - all of our regrets and all of our feelings of insignificance or insecurity. I also know that this life is a mere drop in the ocean compared to eternity. What we endure here --so insignificant when put in perspective.

I love you, my sister - and trust that as you continue on this journey, the Lord will reveal to you exactly what it is you need to know - how you need to grow. He will heal your heart as He holds you close. So I say...be real with Jesus and allow Him to fix what needs fixed.

Sending you a hug...wishing so much that it could be in person!!

Diane said...

Thank you all so much for all your loving words and prayerful support. This is one of those times when I'm living from both ends of the spectrum and know I am so incrediably blessed! Thank you all for loving me, praying for me and walking this journey with me. What a joy to know my friends are holding me up as I go!

Margie said...

I told you to write :)

I too often feel 'both ends of the spectrum' but because we have joy does not eliminate sadness.

I wish I was there to hug you and cry with you, 2012 will be a year of healing, mind, body, heart, if we let God in and do His thing.

I loveyou!!!!!! God is going to do some big things in your life! You are God's masterpiece! He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. (eph 2:10)

Felisol said...

What a brave blog writing. I admire you for being so frank and gripping the bull by it's horns.
I think we shall all be shedding lots of tears here and hopefully end up wiser and braver ourselves.
There's always a reason hidden behind that glass darkly.
I think you are going to show me some of the answers to all my why's.
You must be one of the strongest women across the sea.
I feel blessed knowing you.