This new beginning brings a sorrow to my heart that I have never faced. As I enter this new year, I do so with my parents, my children and my precious husband all dwelling in heaven with the Lord.
I'm not quite sure how to approach this year. My life goes on............just how that happens I must confess is still a mystery to me. I have hope in Jesus and look forward to seeing how He will guide during the days ahead. Yet, I often think that I feel very lost in this new world I find myself in.
I am so wonderfully blessed with two sisters who love me and watch over me with devotion. As Terry breathed his last breath, each promised him they would take care of me and they have most certainly lived up to their word. I have two brothers-in-love that help me in any and every way possible. My nieces and nephews are ever vigilant to be sure my needs are met. The little ones never leave me without making sure to squeeze me tightly and tell me they love me. My church family couldn't be more loving and/or supportive. A host of friends and extended family are so gracious and supportive.
Then, I have this precious group of ladies we lovingly call the Sisterhood of the Traveling Scarf, or more succinctly, the Scarf Sisters. These women have loved me, prayed for me, encouraged me, laughed with me, cried with me and been my rock through these difficult seasons of my life. What I would have done without them is far too sad to even imagine.
Yet, when all is said and done, when the night comes and everyone is at home with those whom they love, I am home alone. The darkness closes in around me and I feel the emptiness and loneliness more acutely than at any other time. It is easy to be busy, but the time to go home alone always comes. Some have suggested that another relationship is the answer. I can't think of being in a relationship with another man. My heart, and all that lies within it, still belong to Terry.
Perhaps my heart is smaller than others, but there just isn't room there for another man. He would only be compared to Terry and, in my heart and mind, no one can live up to that. I see no reason why I should accept second best at this time of my life. I lived with the absolute best for 37-1/2 years. God sent Terry to me when I was quite sure no man would ever want me. Not only did he want me, but he loved me completely. He wasn't a perfect man, but he was perfect for me.
Since Daddy went to be with Jesus, I spend a lot of time thinking about how happy he must now be. He is with the Lord and now back with Momma. He longed to be with her again; I understand that longing. I wouldn't call either of them back, but I long to hear their laughter again; to see the joy in their eyes as they playfully pick on each other. I even get lonely to hear their silly arguments about nothing.
I long to sit at their dining room table and have the family gathered around, ten different conversations going on at once and Momma trying to keep up with them all; Daddy sauntering through and announcing that he was going to bed and for everyone else to stay as long as they like. The laughter and teasing that always comes when two or three generations gather in one place and love each other!
Life is a mystery; of that I have become more and more acutely aware as time has passed. Few things remain constant. Those whom we love and who love us depart. New ones enter and we grow to love them as though they have always been with us. Of all that changes, these thing remain the same...........faith, hope and love.