Saturday, January 26, 2019

THE DAY




What a ride today has been! Sad, glad, somber, happy, intimidated, tired, laughter, thankful.......

It has not been as difficult as this day in year's past.  Today, there was a lot of reflecting and thanking God for the honor and privilege of having had Terry with me for 35 1/2 years.  Ups and downs, laughter and tears, anger and apologies.............it was a good life and the love was palpable.

For years, people had told us just being near us, they knew we loved each other, it was palpable to them.  That's a pretty special kind of love to have.  One many are never blessed to know.  I am thankful I shared that with Terry, then, now, and forever.

I made such a mistake by marring Jerry.  I was looking for companionship and mistook that for an abiding love.  I thought he loved me too.  However, when you walk outside God's will, you fail.  Just as our marriage has failed.  Neither of us entered the marriage for the right reasons.  We mistook a need for companionship in and  a need for a caregiver for his mother in him for love, abiding love.  It was not and it failed.

I never dreamed I would be getting ready to go to divorce court.  I have an appointment next Tuesday to see my attorney.  Charlotte is going with me because I sometimes cannot remember and understand correctly things that are said to me, especially when under stress.

So, I move forward with so much regret but knowing without doubt that God has given me the ok for this.  I have never believed in divorce and it still hurts me to know what a mess I made of my life.  Had Jerry been willing, as he promised he was, to go to church with me, to integrate himself into my family, to love me the way a man should love a wife; and had I not been so bowled over by someone I knew a long time ago and expecting him to be that same person and had I listened to the Holy Spirit; we would not be in this position.  As Momma and Daddy always told us, two wrongs don't make a right.  

God has brought back to me the remembrance of Daddy's words as we were getting ready to walk down the aisle when Terry and I married.  He said "Sissy, I love you.  You know me and Momma love you and you will always have a home.  You will have arguments, you will be aggravated with each other; stay and work it out.   But, if he mistreats you or puts his hands on you, come home. Marriage is hard but it can be the best thing you ever do other than giving your heart to Jesus".

I was "man-handled' on several occasions when I would not see things Jerry's way.  He had thrown my phone across the room more than once before the day he took it from me and choked me.  I should have let it go then.  But, I was stubborn and didn't want to be a failure.  I was gonna prove I did the right thing and it was gonna work!  Ultimately, it did not, it never could have unless Jerry had been able to go to marriage counseling with me.  I believe we could have come to love each other as God commanded if we had gone to counseling and been more open to change.  It didn't happen that way, though, and now I have this looming divorce to contend with.

I believe in marriage...Godly marriage.  No marriage can last unless God is in it.  Our sinful natures will not allow it.  My health is so much better since coming to peace with my decision.  God has restored some things that were getting really desperate.  My last visit with my liver specialist were encouraging.  I am still terminal, but so much better than before!  Praise the Lord!  She was very encouraged and so was I.

My family has been so good to me.  They have loved and been straightforward with me, not allowing me to wallow in pity.  One needs someone who can do that for them at times.  With love compassion, they have been honest and encouraged me to follow through with this divorce.  So, I will proceed.

Pray for me as I do.  My heart still sometimes yearns to talk to Jerry but I feel the less between us there is, the better is will be.

I love you, my sisters.  I am so very blessed that you ladies have come into my life and dwell in my heart.  You have enriched my life in ways I cannot explain in words.  It's more a feeling, a tug in my heart.  I believe that is the Holy Spirit who has bonded us together.  Getting to know each of you and some of your family and friends has made my life richer and more blessed.  


"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,  who have been called according to his purpose."  Rom. 8:28 NIV

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."  Eph. 3:14 NIV

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