Saturday, November 10, 2012

Life on a Rutted Dirt Road

Part IV
Even a rutted dirt road looks good
underneath a snowy blanket!

Ruts left unattended over the seasons turn into treacherous roads.  The longer the ruts are unattended, the worse the travel becomes.  The ruts grow deeper, slicker and more difficult to fix once you try.

The same is true with the spiritual ruts of our lives.  If old pains are avoided, buried, left attended, they become worse with every passing day.  If those ruts are unattended for years, they can become almost unfixable.

They take on a life of their own.  New hurts pile on top of old pains, burying them deeply in your heart.  After some period of time has passed, you begin to be unable to recognize the origin of the pain.  You see your current pain as the source of your woes.

Such was the problem in my life when my late husband and I began to want to have children.  We had talked at length about having children prior to our marriage and continued to discuss it as the years began to pass after our marriage.  We had had a sort scare in our first year of marriage when we were afraid I was pregnant.  We both knew the timing was not right, but that we would love and give our best to the child were I to be pregnant.

As it turned out, I was not pregnant and we were both relieved.  Although I must admit to having had secret feelings of sadness when we learned I was not pregnant.  In the fall after our second anniversary, my youngest sister and her husband had a son.  He was beautiful and we all doted on him.  He had some birth defects but the doctors began surgeries to repair his face when he was six weeks old.

That same fall, my doctor had told me that I had a disorder known as poly cystic ovarian syndrome.  It caused my ovarian walls to become thickened and ovulating wasn’t happening.  He advised that we should begin to try for children if we wanted to have children.

I was scared to death at the prospect of not having children.  I thought Terry and I were on the same page regarding that issue, but it turned out he wasn’t ready to have children just yet.  Even with the doctor’s advice, he just was not ready for children at that time.  So, we put it off.

The medical condition became worse and my doctor told us very directly that, if we did not begin trying very soon, the likelihood of achieving pregnancy was very low.  Terry still was not ready, so we put it off again.  Once we finally began to actively try to get pregnant, the chances were very low that it would happen.

After a year of trying, we were unsuccessful so we started to see a fertility specialist.  After 6-7 years of trying with no results, I had surgery.  After the surgery, we achieved three pregnancies, but lost each child in miscarriage.  The longest pregnancy was about 5 months.  My heart was broken in more ways than I can name.

The old pain of the abuse was buried so deeply but the guilt and shame began to show up in self-deprecation and blame.  Again, I began to think the abuse was my fault and not having children was my punishment.  All of the old pain pushed the new pain up in my heart and spirit like the lava of a volcano boiling up to explode out into the world and cause great destruction.

It shaded everything in my life.  I was angry with my husband because he had made me wait so long.  I was angry with my sisters for having children while I had none.  I was angry at those who took their children for granted and used or abused them.  More than anything, I was again vehemently angry with God.

The longer I went childless the more I was angry with God; the more vindicated I felt for holding a secret grudge against Him.  It was, after all, His fault.  If He really was God and He really did love me, He could fix this.  Yet, He did not.  Just as He had forsaken me in that man’s bedroom, He was now forsaking me in this gut-wrenching pain and loneliness.  I didn’t want any part of Him or His so-called love for me.  If this was love, I didn’t want it or need it and I didn’t want or need God!

The emotional pain was so deep and so all-consuming that I would huddle in the corner of my closet and wail and pull handfuls of my hair from my head.  I pushed everyone away from me, even my husband.  He was no better than God because He had been selfish and had made me succumb to his desires without considering my heart.

Understand that there were times of almost happiness; I think it is fair to say that no one, not even my husband, would have guessed all that was going on with me.  I kept my emotions very well hidden and lied openly if asked about them.  I worked; I continued to work in our church, played the piano for our church and went about my life as though nothing were wrong.  Everyone thought I was amazing.  How did I go through all of that stay so positive?  What a hypocrite I was!

As the years passed, I learned well how to appear very happy and well-adjusted while falling apart inside.  I was a Christian, no doubt about that.  I tried not to be, I got ‘saved’ at least 3-4 times during those years.  The truth was, I accepted Jesus when I was 11 and just tried so hard to be lost again so I could believe that God was just judging me so harshly because He was trying to get my attention.  I was so confused.

I was a non-person; I wasn’t a Mommy and then the stages of life changed and I learned how to be a totally different kind of non-person….I was not a Grandma, or Grammy or Nana or anything!    It was a new stage of pain, of being unimportant to God.

Then, April 13, 2000 happened….then God suddenly became important to me again.  My husband was involved in a tragic automobile accident.  He was hospitalized for 5 months and was in out-patient physical therapy for an additional 9 months after discharge from the hospital.  From April 13, 2000 until June, 2001 my every effort was directed toward making sure my husband was taken care of.  One phone call changed my world forever.

I often say BUT GOD……..that’s exactly what happened…..BUT GOD.  God stepped out of heaven and met me where I was, in the middle of my pain and despair, He showed me who He really was and how much I needed Him.

In Part V, I will tell you about some of the wonders of God I have come to understand because of my deep-rooted ruts.


I am frightened
and tremble all over,
when I hear the roaring voice
of God in the thunder,….
creating miracles too marvelous
for us to understand….

 God cannot be seen—
but his power is great,
and he is always fair.
And so we humans fear God,
because he shows no respect
for those who are proud
and think they know so much.

 Job 37:  1-2, 5, 23-24   (CEV)


Jada's Gigi said...

"Blessed is he who is not offended in me" forgiving God is the hardest thing in the world!

Trish said...

What would we do without those BUT God moments in our lives Di? They reassure us time and again that we are not alone and never forsaken. I love you my dear sister of the heart...I hope you know how important your friendship and love are to me. I miss you...Oh, how I long to have a visit and a nice long chat!