PRESSING FORWARD

12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
                                                               Philippians 3:12-14 NIV

I have discovered that "letting go and letting God" is a very difficult task indeed.  My house has sold; my divorce will be final in early May.  Moving forward, that's what people say I am doing.

As much as I know that is the place I should be, I find myself wanting not only to look back but to go back.  Back to the time when Terry was here, Momma and Daddy were here and our family was held together by their glue.  Now, there is a great void where once my life was filled with love, laughter, and deep, abiding joy.

It seemed that all had escaped me when this marriage fell apart and my health began a slow, but steady decline.  Lately, that joy seems to be returning to me.  What a wonderful feeling to feel alive and joyful again!

God has reminded me in various ways and through various people that he still has a work for me.  I'm not done yet and He isn't done with me yet.  Let me tell you, when you have felt shelved for so long, that is a wondrous thing to KNOW!

I haven't forgotten those I love so dearly, but I am letting them go in a way I had not until now.  As verse 14 says, it is time for me "press on" in order to "win the prize" that God called me into.

I do pray this blog can become joyful again.  I want to touch people's lives and make an impact on people for Jesus.  That has been my goal since I accepted Jesus at the age of eleven.  I have let that calling fall down the list while I sat and whimpered "Oh Lord, why me? Why must I endure all of this"?  What arrogance!

Easter is coming quickly and it has reminded me that nothing I can lose is greater than Jesus Christs' sacrifice for me.  Dear Lord, please forgive me for being so defeated.  I have no excuse, I ask only that you help me rise above it and PRESS FORWARD.  In Jesus' name, AMEN.

MercyMe - I Can Only Imagine (Official Music Video)

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE

Heaven.....exactly what do I know about heaven??????

As I come closer to the day I enter heaven, that question is more pressing each day.  I have lived basically my entire life "churched".  Some of my earliest memories revolve around going to church with my family.  I honestly do not remember a time when we were NOT in church.

I have heard about heaven, I have studied heaven, I have prayed about heaven....basically anything that I could do to learn more, I did.  Yet, I find myself these days questioning some of that.

I think it's somewhat like a journey as a child.  You are told about the journey, you are busy with the preparations, pictures are shared of others who have been there, yet you still cannot IMAGINE what it is really like to BE there.

I asked Jesus into my heart when I was eleven years old.  I remember the experience as though it were yesterday, not 50 years ago.  I remember the praying and weeping, I remember the joy of knowing, KNOWING, that I was going to heaven when I stood up in that old country church altar.  I couldn't explain the knowing at that time, but I KNEW.

Over the years, I questioned that many, many times.  I questioned whether a child could really understand that decision?  I questioned whether my heart was sincere when I did it?  Questions, questions questions.....Yet, when all was said and done, I KNEW, I KNEW, I KNEW!  No one could convince me I was wrong, no one but myself.

That seems to be Satan's M.O.  He works in our thoughts to try to make us doubt all we know about God, about salvation, about heaven.  Yet, time and time again, I come back to that time spent in fervent prayer with tears, asking Jesus to forgive my sins and wash me clean.  To help me be more like Him and less like me.

After all, isn't that the truth of salvation and of our promise of heaven?  It has little to with ME and everything to do with HIM.  He said if I believe with my heart and confess with my mouth then He will give me eternal life.

I get so upset with myself for going back to him time after time and asking him to reassure me.  Yet, he always does, with love and tenderness.  He holds me and fills my soul with that wonderful "knowing" that only walking with Him can give you.  

So, what do I know about heaven?  I know He is there.  I know my sins are forgiven, to be remembered no more. I know His promises are true and dependable.  Life is fleeting, people can fail you but He never will.  JESUS NEVER FAILS.

I am so thankful I know that.  So thankful my heart is at home with Him and my spirit rests in His reassurance of joining Him when this life is through.

 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.  My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going." 

                                                                             St. John 14: 1-4 NIV

"If you declare with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved."

                                                                           Romans 10: 9-10 NIV

NORMAL, REALLY?

I have been so sick.  Nothing particular, just could not stay out of bed for more than a hour at a time.  I DO NOT LIKE THIS!  I talked with my liver doctor and she assured me this was normal.  Seriously?  Normal?  Not to me, it's not!  She says it is just a liver flare, that these will happen and the duration isn't predictable.  My word, did I say I don't like this?!

Charlotte took me over to Jackson yesterday.  It was an all day trip and I was already exhausted.  Special labs at 11 a.m., Cardiologist at 3 p.m and Nephrologist at 4 p.m.  We left after labs and had lunch at Olive Garden then shopped at Marshalls for about an hour and a half.  

I did accomplish something though.  Bought a new chair and storage ottoman, for which I am wonderfully thankful!  It snuggles right into the corner of my room and provides a place where I can watch TV without having to lie on the bed and hold my head in an awkward position.  I can store my Bible, Sunday School periodical and Devotional Book in the ottoman, as well as a light throw.  I have to find the perfect throw pillow to support my back, but that will come.

I have my house under contract and am still moving things from there.  My cousin is buying it.  He spent a lot of time there while growing up and now has a daughter of his own.  He was so excited to learn I was going to sell.  That makes me happy.  It will be owned by someone who appreciates the place almost as much as I did.

All in all, I am good but I just needed some separation from Facebook for a while.  I am still somewhat in a mental fog from the liver thing, but it is getting better. I tire so easily these days.  

Please forgive me for not commenting on your posts.  Deb, I have been praying for Olivia and for continued healing and progress.  I pray for each of you every day, sometimes more than once a day.

Here's a pic of the new chair and ottoman......

The ottoman is actually more gray but for some reason it appears almost white here.?I still have to bring a small table from home and a lamp, but it's getting there.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus."

                                                                                    Phil. 4: 19 NIV

THE DAY

What a ride today has been! Sad, glad, somber, happy, intimidated, tired, laughter, thankful.......

It has not been as difficult as this day in year's past.  Today, there was a lot of reflecting and thanking God for the honor and privilege of having had Terry with me for 35 1/2 years.  Ups and downs, laughter and tears, anger and apologies.............it was a good life and the love was palpable.

For years, people had told us just being near us, they knew we loved each other, it was palpable to them.  That's a pretty special kind of love to have.  One many are never blessed to know.  I am thankful I shared that with Terry, then, now, and forever.

I made such a mistake by marring Jerry.  I was looking for companionship and mistook that for an abiding love.  I thought he loved me too.  However, when you walk outside God's will, you fail.  Just as our marriage has failed.  Neither of us entered the marriage for the right reasons.  We mistook a need for companionship in and  a need for a caregiver for his mother in him for love, abiding love.  It was not and it failed.

I never dreamed I would be getting ready to go to divorce court.  I have an appointment next Tuesday to see my attorney.  Charlotte is going with me because I sometimes cannot remember and understand correctly things that are said to me, especially when under stress.

So, I move forward with so much regret but knowing without doubt that God has given me the ok for this.  I have never believed in divorce and it still hurts me to know what a mess I made of my life.  Had Jerry been willing, as he promised he was, to go to church with me, to integrate himself into my family, to love me the way a man should love a wife; and had I not been so bowled over by someone I knew a long time ago and expecting him to be that same person and had I listened to the Holy Spirit; we would not be in this position.  As Momma and Daddy always told us, two wrongs don't make a right.  

God has brought back to me the remembrance of Daddy's words as we were getting ready to walk down the aisle when Terry and I married.  He said "Sissy, I love you.  You know me and Momma love you and you will always have a home.  You will have arguments, you will be aggravated with each other; stay and work it out.   But, if he mistreats you or puts his hands on you, come home. Marriage is hard but it can be the best thing you ever do other than giving your heart to Jesus".

I was "man-handled' on several occasions when I would not see things Jerry's way.  He had thrown my phone across the room more than once before the day he took it from me and choked me.  I should have let it go then.  But, I was stubborn and didn't want to be a failure.  I was gonna prove I did the right thing and it was gonna work!  Ultimately, it did not, it never could have unless Jerry had been able to go to marriage counseling with me.  I believe we could have come to love each other as God commanded if we had gone to counseling and been more open to change.  It didn't happen that way, though, and now I have this looming divorce to contend with.

I believe in marriage...Godly marriage.  No marriage can last unless God is in it.  Our sinful natures will not allow it.  My health is so much better since coming to peace with my decision.  God has restored some things that were getting really desperate.  My last visit with my liver specialist were encouraging.  I am still terminal, but so much better than before!  Praise the Lord!  She was very encouraged and so was I.

My family has been so good to me.  They have loved and been straightforward with me, not allowing me to wallow in pity.  One needs someone who can do that for them at times.  With love and compassion, they have been honest and encouraged me to follow through with this divorce.  So, I will proceed.

Pray for me as I do.  My heart still sometimes yearns to talk to Jerry but I feel the less between us there is, the better it will be.

I love you, my sisters.  I am so very blessed that you ladies have come into my life and dwell in my heart.  You have enriched my life in ways I cannot explain in words.  It's more a feeling, a tug in my heart.  I believe that is the Holy Spirit who has bonded us together.  Getting to know each of you and some of your family and friends has made my life richer and more blessed.  

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,  who have been called according to his purpose."  Rom. 8:28 NIV

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."  Eph. 3:14 NIV

TIME IN A BOTTLE

(WARNING:  Long & Sentimental)

In 1970, Jim Croce wrote this song when his wife told him she was expecting their first child.  It was released on his first album "You Don't Mess Around With Jim" in 1972.  Terry and I met and started dating in May, 1973 but he owned this 8-track and loved listening to it.

As the months passed and we began to fall in love, Time In A Bottle was "our song".  The lyrics seemed to say all the things we felt for each other.  We continued to listen to it for all the years we were together.

Terry and I had some wonderful adventures together.  We shared some heartbreaking moments together.  But we loved, never failing, never backing away, never giving up.  We loved.

We loved our Lord, we loved each other, we loved our family, we loved our church and our church family, we loved our neighbors and friends.

We built a life based upon that love.

On this date 10 years ago, January 26, 2009, that love did not end but it transformed into eternal love when he went home to be with Jesus.  I can barely believe it has been 10 years, yet it seems like a lifetime.  I look at pictures of him, of us, and all our family and friends sharing wonderful times together.

Memories are all I have now, and pictures.  Pictures that remind me of the blessing I had in him and the goodness God imparted to me when he brought him into my life.  Mementoes of a life lived sharing love and happiness, and yes, sad times and trying times as well.

I listen to that song now and tears roll down my face. We never dreamed our time would end so quickly.  We planned on a lifetime together.  Growing old together and spoiling every child we could in the process!

My nephew, Jared, and I were talking the other day about how much we missed Mamaw and Papaw Mac and Uncle Terry. 

Terry’s nickname for our only niece was Blonde Bombshell.  He loved our Katie to the ends of the earth!  He would not leave this world until he had a chance to see her one more time.  I have been told that the nickname was an insult by someone who did not know Terry well or know how he loved that little girl! He did not love Katie more than our nephews, but because she was the only niece, and because he saw the boys more often, she was special to him.

Jared was saying how he could just hear Uncle Terry’s laugh as the girls scampered around the house and see his smile as they came running up to him to wrap their arms around him and hug him tightly.  He said “I can hear Uncle Terry now and that laugh he had and him calling the girls Blonde Bombshell!  It’s for sure, Terry would have loved all the great-grands just as much he loved the grands!

 He had the opportunity to get to know both of Katie and Brian’s children before he left us. He celebrated a birthday with our nephew Caleb (16) and our grand-niece Allyson (2) in March, 2008. He held Allyson briefly but was afraid he would drop her.

When Katie and Brian visited on that day in December 2018, he was so glad to see them and the children.  He was so sick by that time that he didn’t laugh like he usually did or joke around, but it comforted him that he got to see them one last time before he went home.

I miss Terry, every day, every hour.  I don’t think that will ever change.  I still cry myself to sleep on some nights because I miss him so badly.  However, life goes on and we must go on as well.  And I have.

I am so thankful to the Lord for giving Terry to me if only for a while.  That’s all we really have here anyway, a while.  Some of us will be here longer than others but all of us will leave.  I am thankful that I live with assurance that when I go home to Jesus, I know Terry will be there too.

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."       Genesis 2:24  KJV

SECURITY

  Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation--

but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it.  

 For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; 

but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.   

For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God.   

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; 

rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. 

And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."  

The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.   

Now if we are children, then we are heirs--

heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, 

if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. 

Romans 8: 12-17 (NIV)

Joint heirs with Christ....what an exceptional place to reside! Wow!  Everything that Jesus owns is also mine.  Eternal life if just the beginning.  

Peace...finding peace in this troubled world can sometimes seem difficult, even impossible.  But the truth is that His peace abides in me if I belong to Him.  I can tap into that peace no matter how much my life seems to be coming apart around me.  There is no circumstance above that peace unless I allow it to be.

Joy....as we used to sing in church "it is joy unspeakable and full of glory, oh the half has never yet been told"!  I own that joy, there is not need for me to be "under the burden".  The peace of God which passes all understanding is mine. (Philippians 4:7)  The source of joy resides within me, there is no reason for me to be down-hearted or overtaken with sadness.  Do I get sad, of course I do.  The point is, I do not have to live there.  Now, I know some people suffer from problems with brain chemical imbalances and they experience depression.  I am not putting those people down.  God has an answer for that too.  That is why he gave us doctors with knowledge to address those issues.

Unfailing love....I can love the way Jesus loved if I trust Him to guide me through the troubles of life and relationships.  Many will not understand me.  It doesn't matter.  I can live above the hatred so rampant in today's world.  That does not mean I should accept everything without question, but that I should respond with respect and love in every circumstance.

Hope and a future....I sometimes face difficult circumstances on this earth.  I may often feel there is no future for me.  But the truth is much different.  Scriptures teach me that I have "hope and a future". (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)  God tells Jeremiah that he has plans to give him hope and a future.  That promise was fulfilled when Jesus Christ came and died.  When I surrendered my heart to God's will and asked Jesus to live within me, at that very moment I received "hope and a future". 

Eternal life....John 10: 28-29 teaches me that, when I commit myself to Jesus and ask him into my heart, I belong to him ETERNALLY and will never perish nor can anyone take that security from me. I am held eternally in the loving hands of Jesus.  God, the Father, gave me to him and no one can take me from the hands of God, who in turn gives me over to the Son, Jesus Christ.  

I am secure, my future is secure, my hope is secure, peace and joy are secure. I often forget these things for a bit.  A moment, a day, even longer.  But when I reach out to God, the reassurance comes immediately.  You belong to me (that means I belong to Jesus!) and my possessions are eternal.  Nothing can take you from me. Praise the Lord!

Paul reminds me in Romans 8:38-39 (NIV):   

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

No power exists that can remove me from the hands of the father or his son and all the blessings that come with that.

WHEN THE ANSWER IS "NO"

(WARNING:  Long Post)

I have waited to make this post because I want to be real, not Ms. Super Christian or Ms. Poor Little Me but to relate my experiences and the outcomes with reason and the understanding God has given me.  Please know my emotions vacillate from day to day, sometime from hour to hour, even minute to minute.  Yet, when all is said and done, I think this gives a fair representation of what this walk has been and continues to be like.

In St. John, chapter 11, the story of the death of Lazarus is related, along with the pain and grief of his sisters, Mary and Martha.  Pain and grief are normal emotional reactions to loss.  Mary and Martha were not exhibiting a lack of faith or doubt, they were expressing their grief.  Jesus didn't  reprimand them, but lovingly reminded them of the truth about the death of one of his own.

 When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home. "Lord," Martha said to Jesus, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask." Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again." Martha answered, "I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day." Jesus said to her "I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?" "Yes, Lord," she replied, "I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world."

St. John 11:  20-27 (NIV) 

Extreme losses in our lives can feel like death, whether we or one we love is dying or suffering in other ways.  When we understand the truth of death, we can find comfort in that truth because we know him and trust him, we understand that he is the truth and the life. Even the Lord himself felt the pain of grief.  In vs. 35, we find the simple phrase "Jesus wept".  He is not above our pain, but in it with us.  Through him, we find the strength we need to move forward.

In January, 2009, my husband died of complications of NASH cirrhosis and injuries received to his liver during a tragic auto accident in 2000.  Six months later, I learned I was also suffering with End Stage Liver Disease due to NASH.  I didn't know quite how to take the news.  My grief and pain from watching my husband suffer and die was still too new.  Now, I must face the fact that I was facing the same disease.

It took a while to adjust, but my doctors were encouraging and told me I could extend my life if I controlled the diabetes carefully and took better care of myself.  A meeting with my Hepatologist encouraged my sister and I that I had at least 10 years left and might be able to extend that by taking care of myself.

I had times of faith that seemed unreal, even to me.  On the other hand, there were times the gravity of the whole thing was seemingly more than I could comprehend, much less deal with.  How does one deal with something they can't understand?  The medical terms were not hard, it was everything else.  

Faith, family, prayer, doubt, anger, despair, depression, unbelievable support...so many emotions I can't name them all.  Sometimes, one a time and at others, all washing over me with such intensity sanity seemed elusive.  Ultimately, I began to understand I had to make some heavy decisions...life decisions...and I needed more than I held within myself to do that.  So I turned my heart and my attention to the Lord and there is where the truth became evident.

God alone is the giver and taker of life.  I have always said I believed that.  Now, my words had to be my walk.  I cried, I begged, I wailed in intense emotional and spiritual pain.  And then I found, as did the prophet Elijah, God isn't in all the noise and upheaval, He can only be found in the quiet, still voice.  

There he went into a cave and spent the night. And the word of the LORD came to him: "What are you doing here, Elijah?" He replied, "I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too." The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.
 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

  1 Kings 19:9-19:13  (NIV)

So, I set about getting the diabetes well controlled and taking charge of my life emotionally, physically and spiritually.  It was not an easy journey, but the diabetes began to respond with vigilance and better attention to my diet, exercise and mental stress.  I have to say that those times drew me so much closer to the Lord.  I learned to trust him during the years from 2000 and forward in ways I never understood prior to those experiences.

Last year, a meeting with my Hematologist revealed that the liver disease had reached a point that made consultation for transplant an immediate need, if I planned to pursue that avenue.  Frankly, I didn't know if I wanted to do that or not.  However, I decided to meet with the Director of the Transplant Institute at Methodist University Hospital in Memphis, TN.  Those meetings and tests revealed that, not only was my liver in failure, but so were my kidneys and my heart.  He estimated my life expectancy at about 6 months without the transplant.

I know the plans I have for you

" declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Jeremiah_29:11 (NIV)

I cannot tell you how many times in my life I have quoted that verse to myself.  To know that the Lord of heaven has a plan for me is quite a daunting, yet comforting, thought.  When we get hold of that fact deep within our spirit, it changes us.  We sometimes have to be reminded, but if we have ever really set grasp on that understanding, it is a relenting comforter in times of trouble.  I now pursued that understanding in a way which I never had before.  To say you are ready to die is an overwhelming thing to internalize when confronted with certain death. 

I talked with my family and decided to pursue the testing necessary to be listed for a liver transplant.  I was assured that the kidneys wouldn't be problem because they commonly did a liver/kidney transplant on their patients.  However, an issue with my heart was revealed that put a sure halt to all plans.  After two heart procedures, Cardiologists determined that the two blockages were not significant enough to risk by-pass surgery with consideration of my liver condition and dangers of bleeding out due to low platelet counts.  The transplant team will not approve the transplant with the heart issue unresolved.

So, after a year of exhausting medical testing with astronomical medical expenses and frustrating meetings with doctors, the outcome is not what I expected.  I had truly come to believe that transplant was what lay ahead for me.  I confused my will for God's will.

 "Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits 

to see whether they are from God"

1 John 4:1 (NIV)

  "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, 

though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, 

though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, 

yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
  The Sovereign LORD is my strength; 

he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights..."

Habakkuk 3:17- 3:19 (NIV)

Sometimes, we want something so much that we get our will confused with God's will.  We have to be careful and be sure the spirit we are following is that of the Holy Spirit.  When we do, no matter the outcome, we can say with Habakkuk "yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.  The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights.."

Now, I move forward and I live my life each day with joy, hope and comfort.  I am surrounded by people who love me and pray for me.  My family and friends have been extraordinarily supportive and willing to help in any way needed.

 "The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower "

Psalms 18:1 (NIV)

The Lord is my strength. He sends me angels to attend to my every need.  Sometimes, those angels are called family and/or friends.

A New Habit

"I trust you, Jesus".  That is the habit I am trying to develop as this year begins.  When anything comes my way that seems more than I can handle, I want my immediate response to be "I trust you, Jesus".  

Why is that so difficult for me?  I have been a Christian since I was 11 years old.  Jesus has walked beside me, often carrying me, through some dark and difficult times.  He has never failed; he has never left me.  Doesn't that sound like someone who deserves my trust?  Yes, of course it does!  Then, again I ask, why is it so difficult for me?

I want my way, that's why.  I don't want to trust Jesus to carry me through while he works his way in me....I want my way!  I am like a spoiled child who stamps my feet and whines until I believe I am getting it my way.  Not gonna happen my friends!  NOT GONNA HAPPEN!  Jesus loves me, and you, too much for that.

Truthfully, when you relent and allow your children to have their own way, aren't you thinking "go ahead, have it your way, see what that get's you"?  Sometimes, when I think I have won, that's exactly what Jesus does with me.  "Ok, my child, go ahead, have it your way, see what that gets you!"  NOT because he doesn't love me, but because HE DOES!

More than you or I can comprehend, Jesus loves us.  He does not give up on us.  We can trust him.  Why, oh why, do we keep taking him back through the struggles when difficult times come?  He has proven over and over again he is there for us, he has our best interest at heart.  He loves us with an everlasting love.  It has no beginning and it has no ending.  We can trust him.

This is my daily struggle.  I am so stubborn.  There is no one in my life who has never failed me, no one except Jesus.  I can trust him.  He loves me.  He wants only his best for me.  I tell myself these things, but usually after I've argued with him for a while trying to get him to relent and let me have it my way.  

Trust is believing in the reliability of Jesus so much that I am willing to give my will over to his,  knowing the outcome will be a perfect one and will bring multiple blessings to me.  Yet, I make it such a difficult thing to do.  He has proven himself over and over, but I demand MORE.

Dear Jesus, help me to allow the simple fact of your unfailing love to be ever my first thought when problems come.  Help me to say "Lord, I trust you because I know you want only the best for me".  It's a simple prayer but that's something else I'm learning, God isn't impressed with my verbal skills.  He just wants simple words of faith from a sincere heart.  I am trying Lord, I am trying.

I cannot hide from God and nothing can keep me from his presence.  I can trust Him.

 OPEN THE EYES OF MY HEART

2018 --- Wow!  I find it extraordinary that I am alive and seeing the first day of 2018.  As a younger person, I could not imagine that I would still be here when I was 60 years old!  Yet, by the grace of God, here I am and thankful to be so. 

I have set my sights on a closer walk with God in this new and exciting year ahead.  I have become too complacent in my relationship with Jesus Christ.  I have committed myself to know God better and walk more closely with Jesus Christ daily.  To love God more and because I do, to love people more.

The opening line of Sarah Young's devotional "Jesus Calling - Enjoying Peace In His Presence" say this:  "Come to me with a teachable spirit, eager to be changed".  That is my heart's greatest desire as this new year begins.  To be teachable, to be changed by the power of God's love, mercy and desire to have me know him better.....those are my ambitions for this year.

I have been on an incredible journey over the past year.  My marriage is stronger because of the things we have had to face together in the past year.  Although we live apart, our hearts are more closely entwined than ever before.  Our problems are real, but so is our resolution to save our marriage in spite of the difficulties we face. 

My health became so tenable that I was given 6 months to a year to live, at best.  At my last visit with my Hepatologist at the Transplant Institute, I was better than I had been in over a year.  God is doing a work in my life and in my heart.  He is doing a work in my marriage.  There are things I don't understand, but I trust God to do his work and want him to have his way in my life. 

I keep hearing the words Michael W. Smith's song "Open the eyes of my heart".  That is my desire for 2018.  I want to see God in a way in which I have never seen him before.  To know him in a way I have never known him before.  To be the woman I have never been before.  To be the wife I have never been before.  To be the neighbor I have never been before.  To love like I have never loved before....these are the desires of my heart.

I have missed writing on my blog.  Words are important to me, they always have been.  I have been told I have a way with words.  If I do, it is because God gave me that gift.  I want to use that gift again, in a way I have never used it before.

Psalm 86:11 (NIV) --- "Teach me your way, LORD, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name."

LAND OF THE LIVING?

I am dying.  It is a statement many people find hard to hear, hard to say, hard to believe....just hard.  And yet, each of us will, indeed, die one day.  For me, it is the ultimate healing...a time when I will be healed of all disease, all infirmity, all weakness and from the influences of this fallen world.  I have had temporary healing here.  I was divinely healed of cancer 3 years ago.  Was it wonderful?  Yes, without a doubt.  I have had joys and sorrows I would never have known had the Lord took me home then.  But, my body is but flesh and succumbs daily to the ravages of this world and my own mistreatment. 


Like almost all people, I want to live as long as I possibly can.  I love my family and I have dreams yet to be attained.  Yet, I do not wish to remain here once I am no longer able to care for myself.  I do not want to remain here if my mind is compromised to a great degree.  I have seen it too many times and know what it does to people and to those they love.  I have no desire to do that to the people I love and whom I believe love me.  I have tried never to be a burden, but I know I have often failed in that attempt.  Yet, it is one my greatest desires.


I know all too well that we do not get our wishes with regards to many things, this being one.  I cannot imagine anyone who wanted to suffer or cause suffering for those they love.  And yet, that is exactly what happens when we live too long to be useful.  My sisters and I were extraordinarily blessed to have our parents leave for heaven before they became useless and before they lost their minds completely. 


Although Momma suffered with Alzheimer's, she went home before she succumbed to the complete ravaging of her mind.  She was docile and agreeable and never a burden to us.  Daddy had an in tact mind right up until the end.  His body was compromised by the ravages of C.O.P.D. but otherwise, he was very healthy.  Although they died much younger than many, they were never a burden to us, which was their greatest desires.


So, I am dying.  I have End Stage NASH Cirrhosis and the disease is progressing.  A minister I have known since our earliest childhood once preached a sermon as a young minister which I will never forget.  He made the statement that people will tell you we are in the land of the living.  However, he went on to say, that is untrue.  We are living in the land of the dying.  If we are Christians, we are leaving this land of the dying for the land of the living.  So, I await my call to go that land when the Lord is ready for me.


Does that sometimes make me sad?  Yes, without a doubt.  It is in those times I pray for the Lord to remind me that something so much better than I have known here awaits me there.  I have prepared to sign documents that inform all medical personnel of the wish not to have live-extending measures administered should my liver or other vital organs fail me.  I do not want to temporarily preserve what is only a vessel for transporting me until my eternal call for that land of the living and which will only fail again after I'm even sicker.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!

In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope

through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,

and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade.

This inheritance is kept in heaven for you..."

                                                                                        

I Peter 1: 3-4

Yearning..........A Different Perspective

Yearning……….an expectant looking for, longing……I guess we’re all familiar with that.  Oftentimes, I find myself yearning for different things.  I long to see family members than I haven’t seen for a while, either because they’ve gone home to be with the Lord or because they live far away.

I am pretty much a content person when it comes to ‘things’.  I’m not the type to want things, never have been.  It has always been more about people I love that I can’t see often enough. 

Lately I have had this deep yearning within.  Yearning for a place I have not seen before, for a home I know little about, for a land not yet clear in my mind.  I haven’t yearned in this way for this place.  Yearning for this home has always come when things were so very bad. 

Now, I yearn for that home and I’m so very content to be just where I am.  Yet, this unsettled yearning lurks within me.  Loneliness for that home, that land that my mind cannot imagine.   I am happy with my life.  I love this man God has given me with my whole heart.  He is a gift at a time in life that I certainly did not expect.  How I could want or need anything else is a mystery to me!

Yet, this longing in my soul remains constant; perhaps even growing at times.  “You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water.  I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.  Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.  I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.”  Psalms 63: 1-4 (NIV)

I grope as in the darkness for something I can’t quite hold on to.  I stumble through the days feeling empty yet so full of praise my lips cannot contain it.  How does this happen?  I have felt the longings for heaven many times in the past….times when my heart was broken or my life seemed to be spinning out of control. Yet, here I am with the deep and hungry yearning for heaven when everything in my life is so good and so full.

“By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.  By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise.  For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.”  Hebrews 11: 8-10 (NIV)

So Abraham understood what I feel right now.  He had that same longing in his soul, a longing he most likely would have never recognized as God had God not set upon him and told him His plan.  That’s exactly what this feels like…..God has set upon me and told me His plan.  My life is so full and my heart is even more open to the Lord than ever.

I feel as though I have finally reached spiritual adulthood!  Oh my, it has taken me surely long enough to get here!!!  The Lord must be dancing all over heaven to see that I have finally learned something about Him and about serving Him!

I don’t have children but I have watched those who do and I’ve seen the joy written on their faces when they feel their child has finally “gotten it”.  It’s as though all those years of teaching and guiding has finally yielded a harvest and they can now sit back and see the beauty of that harvest working in their child.

That must be how Jesus feels about me today.  Years invested in gentle nudges, loving embraces and, at times, the rod of correction for ways in which I’ve walked far from Him.  Now, at last, I feel as though He looks down on me and smiles.  I am his daughter, the progeny of so much sacrifice on His part.  What a joy it must be for Him to finally behold what He planted blooming in my spirit!

Peace and contentment are prizes of untold value and to be cherished as a reward of walking with the Lord.  “Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.”  James 3:18 (NIV)   I am so very thankful I have learned to walk in peace and to allow contentment to rule in my heart and mind.  I’m not perfect just forgiven; but this feels pretty close to being exactly where I have hoped to be for my entire Christian journey!

 

All Things New....New Understanding

Six years ago today, my first husband went to meet the Lord.  He had suffered and death was a welcome relief, both for him and for me.  The grieving was so painful and lasted much longer than I anticipated.


There finally came a time when the Lord prompted me to let all that go and move forward.  After a battle of my own making, I did as the Lord asked of me.  The reward for that was my second marriage.
I am now married to a wonderful man who loves me deeply and takes such good care of me.  He is there for me no matter what I or we are going through.  He cherishes me and our marriage.  He is such a precious gift from God for my obedience.


I recently remembered a conversation with my first husband as he approached his last days.  For whatever reason, I had not previously been able to remember this conversation.  God gives what we need when we need and when we are ready to receive it.


I remember him saying to me one evening "Di, don't be alone.  Find someone to love you and take care of you.  Someone to be there with you and for you as you grow older".  At the time, I couldn't imagine doing that, but here I am and so very happy.


I spend a lot of time lately wishing for my youth and complaining about my aches and pains and all the things I no longer can do or which take so much more effort and time to do.  The Lord recently spoke to me and told me to find the blessings in being this age, because they are multitude.


Frankly, I didn't see it.  However, as I began to think about my life and my age, I saw more and more what the Lord was saying to me and found it to be true.  It is true, I don't have that young body and I can't hold out to do the things I once could.  Things that once took little to no effort now take tremendous effort and much more time.


I had a very active and full life with many dreams yet to be realized.  I had plans for my future and accomplishments yet to make.  Life was, for the most part, fun and exciting and full of adventure.
As I took a long and thoughtful look at my current life, I found that, yes, I haven't got the energy of my youth.  I don't have the dreams and accomplishments to realize.  My life is much slower but still very full.  Adventure now is getting out of bed without falling into the wall!


However, I have things now I could not have dreamed of then.  I am more content just to be who I am, flaws and all.  I have accepted myself for who God made me to be.  I no longer find it important to impress anyone.  My days are slower but still full of the people I love and who love me.


I don't have the energy of my youth but I have enough to get things done that I need to get done and sometimes, a little extra.  It isn't done as quickly as I'd like but it gets done.


My health is definitely not as good as when I was younger, but God has worked actual miracles in my life and has extended my years beyond what I had thought they would be.  Instead of caring for children and then grandchildren, I have been a caregiver for a dying Momma and Daddy, a dying grandmother, two aged mothers-in-love, a dying first husband and have cared for my current husband  through the recovery from a major heart attack.  So, I have definitely been a caregiver.  THAT was my greatest dream....to care for others.  I had hoped and prayed it would be children but God had different plans.


So, God forgive me of complaining and whining.  You have given me so much more than I have ever asked for and blessed me in ways I never dreamed of.  Thank you for showing me these years of my life can be just as productive as the younger years and just as fulfilling...perhaps even more so.

"Then the one sitting on the throne said:

I am making everything new.

Write down what I have said.

My words are true and can be trusted."

Revelation 21:5 (CEV)

(Please forgive the absence of pictures and the misplacement of paragraphs.  Blogger isn't cooperating and I have decided to post without them.  I won't be defeated by Blogger!)

Patriotism, Pride and Personal Involvement

A favored hobby is genealogy.  I find great pleasure in researching my families genealogy and in learning about my ancestry.  History has always intrigued me, especially my own history.

SPC Caleb M. Watkins, we are so proud of you and so thankful you are again safe at home with us!

On Saturday, February 1, my family welcomed home our own personal member of American military history.  Actually, he is just the latest in a long line of our families' men and women who are American patriots and who have served in the American military. 

From the days of the Revolution, my ancestors have fought for the liberty we enjoy as Americans.  Even before those days, they fought in the old countries alongside their family and neighbors for what they believed to be the right way.  From the Highlands of Scotland to the Irish fields and the English moors, my ancestors maintained the battle for freedom.  They boarded the great ships bound for the New Country to find liberty and were thankful and happy to fight alongside their neighbors once here to guarantee their families could live in that liberty.

In the battles of the War Between the States, my ancestors fought on both sides of the conflict, each believing they were right in their fight.  From the fields of France in World War I to the French and Belgian forests in World War II; from the Korean and Vietnamese peninsulas and into the ancient lands of Mesopotamia in the 20th and 21st centuries...our family has continued the battle for liberty and to defend freedom.

Cpl. Van P. McDonald in Germany.

My own Daddy was an American Army Marksman destined for Korea when Divine Intervention halted that march as the treaty was signed on the day he was set to sail for Korea. Instead, he spent 18 months in Germany perfecting his skills and attaining a military reputation as an expert marksman who was offered his own squad in exchange for re-enlistment.  He declined the offer and came home to do what he loved...farm.

So, when my youngest nephew, Caleb, joined the Tennessee Army National Guard, he carried on a proud tradition of service to his country and a commitment to the battle to defend America and liberty around the world.  When he completed his AIT at Fort Leonard Wood, MO with excellent marksmanship awards and the Top Gun certificate for his class of recruits, he carried on the tradition started by his Papaw Mac over a half century earlier.

Our Caleb with his niece, Allyson, as he prepares to leave Hardeman County for Fort Bliss, TX and then Afghanistan.

Last May, he left the National Guard Armory in Hardeman County, TN with the 251st MP Company to prepare for deployment to Afghanistan at Fort Bliss, TX.  They left Fort Bliss in early July, 2013 and returned home on February 1, 2014.  After 6 months in Afghanistan and 8 months away from home, the men and women of the 251st were again home with their families.  For the first time since May 28, 2013, the feet of brave Tennessee Volunteers touched the soil of Tennessee again on February 1, 2014.  They marched into the arms of waiting family and friends who were proud and honored to have them serve but more than anything, thankful to have them again safely at home.

We were no different than the other families, we are proud of our young man and so very thankful he is safe at home again.  His journey has been a trying one, with many unexpected ups and downs along the way, but he is a better man for his experience and we are better for having prayed him through it.  When he walked through that door and we saw his face and heard his voice there live in the room with us for the first time in so long, it gave us joy that is indescribable.  When his Momma ran to him and they embraced for that first time in months, tears flowed throughout the room.  Our son was home again and our family tradition of defending freedom has once again brought honor and pride to us.

My sister, Charlotte, with her son SPC Caleb M. Watkins after he surprised her with his homecoming!

Welcome home, Caleb; you stand in shoes many have filled and have walked footsteps many have walked before you and many will walk behind you.  As I once heard Mr. G. C. Bartlett say of his experiences as a P.O.W. in the German camps during World War II, "All that I suffered I would gladly do again.  I love my God and I love my country.  Liberty is worth the sacrifice".  Yes, liberty has been worth the sacrifice.  Thank you, Caleb, and every man or woman who has ever made that sacrifice; we are in your debt.

 Greater love hath no man than this, 

that a man lay down his life for his friends.

 John 15:13  (KJV)