Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Grieving..........

These four people are much of the reason I go on now. Since my husband's home going, grief has overtaken me and I find it hard to have a reason to even want to keep living on most days. However, when I look at these precious faces, I see that there is a reason to keep going. This is Daddy, Van McDonald, surrounded by his great-grandchildren. Alix Joy, age 8, Jaden Isaac, age 6, and Allyson Ann, who will be 2 on Feb. 24. They are at least a portion of the light left in my life. This picture was taken at my sister's house this past December, at our family Christmas gathering.

I had planned to continue with my genealogy posts today, but am away from home and at my sister's house for a day or so. Therefore, I don't have access to my photos and cannot include them so didn't want to go ahead with the posts until I could add the photos. Hopefully, I will get back to that tomorrow.

I would like to ask each of you who read my blog to pray for me. Grieving has taken a turn for the worse and it is smothering me, quite literally. I am so afraid of doing this the wrong way and dishonoring my Lord or my husband's memory. It is, by far, the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I am so lost without my husband. It was just the two of us for nearly 36 years. I don't know how to be me anymore without him. I desperately need your prayers.

This picture pretty much says it all for me.........alone. I have to find my new "normal" and find a way to go on and be me without being part of us. I know the Lord has a plan for me, I just need to find Him and that plan in the midst of all the pain.

12 comments:

Raggedy Girl said...

Diane:

Make Terry a part of your grieving. Ask yourself what would Terry want me to do right now. What would I have wanted for Terry to do if I had gone home first. You will find answers there. What you are going through is natural. And there isn't a wrong or right way to do it. You cannot offend God with how you feel. He wants to hear every feeling you have. If you are scared, angry, if you don't get it, if you are sad, depressed, tired...whatever tell God what you are feeling. Tell Him often. And this I know...talk to Terry. I talk to my Mom and Dad all the time. Like little spiritual phone calls. So little time has gone by. This is going to take time. Think about women you know who have walked this road, like Nancy. You just put one foot in front of the other. You have a beautiful spirit and so much to give. While it will never be easy it will grow easier with time. I pray for you everyday. Enjoy your visit.
Roberta Anne

ajourneyinmommying said...

Di,
I can't say I know how you feel so I hesitate to say things sometimes because I don't want to just throw out a flippant answer in the middle of all you are going through. When I read this today, though, I thought about when I was in Africa. I know the loneliness I experienced at times there can't be compared to what you are going through, but it's the time in my life that I remember feeling the most lonely. I didn't have any way of communicating regularly with any of my family or friends and there were very lonely times.
It helped me to write!! I got a journal and just wrote my prayers down. My thoughts get scattered so I find it more easy to not lose my train of thought when I'm writing instead of speaking so writing my prayers in a journal has always been my favorite way to pray. Years later it is such a blessing to look back on those times and those pages remind me of the sweetest times where God's presence was SO REAL and CLOSE and my heart was encouraged SO much. On the inside of one of my journals I wrote Psalm 62:8 "Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." Isn't it great that we serve a God that invites us to pour out our hearts...with the assurance that He hears and is listening and understanding us!! He doesn't invite us into His presence only if we come up with the right formula or say the right words that He wants to hear. He wants to hear the things that are on our hearts...the questions, the joy, the pain, the confusion, the anger, the peace, ....whatever is on our hearts. Psalm 139:2-4"You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways, For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether." The fact that He UNDERSTANDS my thoughts before I even think them is incredibly encouraging to me. I may not understand my own thoughts sometimes!!! But He does! Before I open my mouth to pray, He already knows what I'll say and understands it so that I CAN pour out my heart to Him without fear, knowing He already knows what's on my heart! That gives me great comfort! God thought of everything! ...because He knew that we would sometimes begin to feel that we should be handling things somehow better than we are...He gave us Psalm 103:14 "For He knows our frame (or understands our constitution). He remembers that we are dust." I pray that He reassures you of His presence and of the refuge you have in HIM. I needed to write this today to remind myself of the way God wants me to come to Him from where I am right now, too!! Praying for you today!!
ajourneyinmommying (having trouble logging in for some reason)

Envoy-ette said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My mother lost daddy after 37 years of marriage. He has been gone for 20 years now and I will pass on to you what she told us helped.
If you have a house that is paid for, don't sell. If God wants you to move, those doors will be opened. But for now, stay put. For every 5 years of marriage, it takes one year of grief. It took mom 7 years before she felt like herself again. Year one was a blur, two she was angry at him for leaving her and year five hurt worse then the first. Grieving is normal and personal. There's no right or wrong way to do it, you just do what you must to get to the other side and lean on the Lord. He hears the prayers of widows and orphans. He takes care of them, and he will never leave you. Never will you be forsaken.

Joy's Pam said...

Hi Diane,

You really can't do this wrong. Grieving is more done to us than something we do, or so I have found. We ride the waves and they wash over us again and again.

Just do the next thing sweetie, and be gentle to yourself. If work feels good, do it, of not, let it slide a bit. It will still be there. Nurture your soul, let yourself cry buckets and don't hold back. KNOW YOU ARE LOVED!!!! And please dear one if you are afraid, know that Jesus is right there with you, He will be your husband now and He will comfort you and direct you.

You have been under a tremendous amount of pressure and stress, give your body and mind time.

Praying for you dear one! Rest.

Love you,
Pamela

barby said...

diane my friend i dont think theres any one way to grieve my love,its different for all of us.i was so praying you wouldnt have to endure the cycle but i kinda knew it would rear its ugly little head and i am sorry. ya know our local hospice offers grief classes i went when my sister passed i had to i was paralized literally i could not function. they taught me there is a cycle ,as i remember it goes in this circle disbalief anger blaming sadness and acceptance. so i thought that once i circled the stages i would be fine but then guess what it started all over again. they taught me how to cut down all the stages to get back to acceptance sort of.please call hospice and see if they can help you.i have found time is the healer (to a point) over the yrs. i have learned to celebrated her life instead of her death consuming me. its all so new to you and my heart breaks for you my friend. i am going to pray for acceptance for you and for you to just hang on till GOD sends you the next set of plans for your life. i want you to know what a special person you are,and i am so saddened by your suffering. i am with you can you feel my arms wrapped around you? i love you diane ,hang on my friend ,hang on tight!! terry is right there with you he wont let you fall,he knows you cant stand alone right now.he loves you and hes right there with you...this i know for sure. all my love and prayers barby

Grandma Blog said...

Time is the only thing that helps and sometimes it takes a lot of that. Don't hold back tears. If you feel like crying, cry, and if you feel like crying and sobbing outloud, then do that too. At least the good times can't be taken away from you and you will be together again.

Constance said...

Dear Heavenly Father,
Your heart grieves when Your children are hurting. I ask that you would hold Diane in your tender arms and soothe her hurts and tears as only You can. We are so grateful that because of Jesus and His death in our place, we can boldly approach Your throne in our time of need and receive Your grace. You alone are sovereign over all and we rejoice that as Believers we can have the peace that passes all understanding. Pour Your grace, peace and mercy over Diane, annoint her with Your holy presence and let her feel Your love all around her. Comfort her and give her wisdom in the days to come. Reassure her that she is not alone, that there is One who cares and He is closer than a brother in her time of need.

We give you all the glory in Jesus name,
Connie

Felisol said...

Dear Diane,
I am praying and crying for you.
Your Valentine's post moved me to tears.
I admire the honest and straightforward way you talk about your ups and downs.
Even if your highest desire now is to be united with Terry, the Lord needs you here in this miserable world.
There's a time for every thing has been the words following me this week.
I know after your time of mourning, you will learn why the Lords needs you to help him here.
Will continue to pray.
From Felisol

Terry said...

Dear Dianne...Connie sent us here and I am so sorry for you.
My sister Gracey was 24 when she lost her husband.
She had four small children to raise from the ages 1 1/2 to age 6.
They are what kept her going.
I don't even know what to say to you because I have never felt the pain that you are going through.
I think that you are blessed indeed to have a friend like Connie..from Teresa

Jada's Gigi said...

praying for you dear sister...there is no way you can disappoint your Lord.

Terry said...

Dear Dianne,
I am looking forward to your family pictures and history.....Teresa

Sweetie said...

Di, Having just lost my husband unexpectedly two months ago I think that I can understand your pain. I am fortunate that we had a large family but I cannot let myself be dependent upon our children. They have been wonderful but they have their own lives. A husband and wife share so much together. I have become more involved in activities. I started going to bible study, Curves, a few more community organizations. Tomorrow I am going shopping with a friend. These activities take up time but they do not take away the emptiness. You are in my prayers. Also, genealogy is a great interest of mine. I'm looking forward to your posts.
Hugs,
Sweetie