Saturday, June 20, 2009

Angry and Whining

I went for a drive during the wee hours of the night last evening. I was restless and couldn't seem to find peace at home. I found myself driving around my county just wandering from one area to the next. Then, I realized that, without even knowing, I had been driving to the places Terry and I had spent time together.

Grief is such a strange partner. Just when I think I'm getting a grip on it, something comes up that completely upsets everything I thought I knew. I drove and cried and laughed and listened to music. I parked in front of the houses we had lived in; I'm surprised I didn't get arrested! I sat crying and laughing and remembering the years together.

I drove until I was weary, but still just didn't want to go home alone. I hate being alone! Even when Terry was so sick, when I came home from running errands, he would always awaken with a smile on his face and a tender touch. He always wanted to know about my errands and wanted to help me in some way. He most often could not help, but it didn't stop him from wanting to.

Even if he was too tired to stay awake, he would be awake long enough for me to feel welcomed and loved back in my home. Now, when I come home, there's only that awful emptiness awaiting me. No one welcomes me or needs me here. While driving around earlier, I thought that I was out in the middle of the night doing who-know-what at who-knows-where and no one really wanted to know. I have never felt so alone in my life.

I have never understood women or men who went straight into another relationship as soon as their spouse passed away. I still don't think I could do that, but I have to say, I so much better understand why someone might do it. I know I have family and friends who love me, but they all have families and busy lives. They don't want their telephone ringing at 2 a.m. with some crying and whining female on the other end of the line.

I remind myself that I am never really alone. The Lord is always with me and always cares about me and has a plan for my life. I must tell you though, that is small consolation when it's the middle of the night and the one you have shared your life with is no longer there...and never will be there again. And, please don't tell me I'll see him again. I know that; but it won't be here as my husband and it won't be now! I want to see him here and now! And, I can't.

I don't want to be brave or spiritual tonight/this morning. I don't want to understand and be of good cheer. I want my husband back with me! And he never will be! I'm angry. Not at God, not at my husband, just angry for the sake of being angry. If you don't understand that, don't worry, you will someday, I'm so very sorry to say.

I can't close on a happy note this time. I'm not happy this morning. I'm lonely and angry and sick. If that disappoints you, please know that I'm so sorry. I don't want to disappoint anyone, but I'm a real human being. And real human beings have bad days and bad emotions and even use bad language sometimes. I'm not super spiritual, just forgiven and washed by the blood of the Lamb.

I know you all are probably so tired of reading about my grief. Believe me when I say I'm tired of having to write about it too. Unfortunately for us all, it's still here and it's still real and I don't think it's going to be going away any time soon. If you've made it this far, bless your heart, you're a brave soul. I wish I were a better person, a stronger person, but I'm not. This is me, warts and all.....the good and the ugly.


Keetha Broyles said...

Grief is not a "one size fits all" thing. You must walk through your grieving path, unfortunately there are no short cuts.

You don't need to apologize to us - - - if talking it out in your blog helps with the walking it through, then reading/listening is the least we can do to stand beside and support you through this walk.

Right now the tunnel is long and dark. Probably you can't tell from this vantage point if you are closer to the light at the BEGINNING of the tunnel or the light at the end. There is only one way through- - - one step at a time. Don't turn around - - - keep stepping.

You will eventually come to the light at the far end of the tunnel, and when you do, you will realize that Someone was holding your hand the whole way through.

Pat said...

Dear Di, you are in so much pain, and my heart aches for you. Please, continue to share your feeling in your blog, never feel a burden to us who love you.
When I cared for my failing mother, that was all I wrote about in my blog, my tears, my fears and once in a blue moon a bit of laughter. I felt so beat up and worn out. I can only imagine losing your spouse to have those same feeling and more magnified many times over. Plus your dealing with your own medical condition.
You've written your feelings so well, continue to do so if it helps even in the smallest way.
We're here for you.
I can understand your lonliness. When my Dad passed away, my mom said the lonliness was overwhelming...and she didn't even like him!

Heidi Pocketbook said...

Keetha's first paragraph is spot on. Please remember this is your blog, and whatever you write is ok. No apologies are needed for posts that aren't upbeat. This is part of your grieving process and any of us who have grieved for a family member know it's hard.

I can't imagine the pain you are in since I've not lost my spouse. It's so evident in your posts just how close the two of you were. I think not having living children probably made the two of you even closer. And with your health condition, I'm sure it leaves a lot of time for you to dwell.

I know the pain I feel from my prodigal--not having seen her for over a year or heard her voice for nearly nine months. Not even knowing where she's at. The emotional rollercoaster is horrible and the worries of the uncertain are almost too much to bear somedays. It's a much different pain than losing my dad, although 26 years later I still miss him.

Busy Grandma Elsie said...

Oh Di, I remember when I went through this stage,,, Yes there are a lot of stages in grief after losing your companion. The alone feeling ,total alone. I have no one's just God & me and I need/want someone who I can touch & see,& hear...someone for me alone. I did not choose to be alone. it was not my chose & I am angry..( yes Adam & Eve caused death ). I even got mad at people who tried to comfort me by saying , " time will help you" in time it will be better.. I could not "feel" past today so they didn't make sense to me.
It is OK to feel like you do. It is not bad nor are you a bad person because you do express yourself. This is how you are helping your self. It is a part of how you are helping your self to heal. A long road yes but one you have to walk alone with God ,even though you don't feel him at times.
I remember thinking, is this how I will feel when I stand before God to be judged, totally alone ? Yes totally alone , just God & Me .Thoughts I had never even realized you could think in this life.
The day I realized I was no longer the wife of Bill , that he did not exist any more so how could I be thinking I was his wife.I hated my self for thinking that truth..I used to be the wife of... but he's gone so i am no longer a wife... that hurts...
You feel like love has betrayed you.
How I wish I was close there but God knows why.
it has been a bad week for me .. Past Tuesday my oldest daughter had been gone 41 years .killed by a drunk driver at 4 years and 9 months old. Next Sunday my husband will be gone 23 months .. I am praying for God to give you strength and comfort in the way only he can do..
Take heart dear one, one day we are going home to sorrow no more.
In Christ,
Elsie <><

Samantha said...

Please do not apologize dear Diane, you are grieving and you are human.
Know that I love you my dear cousin
and am praying for you today and everyday.

Kathy @ Real Mom, Real Life said...

I loved what Keetha said -- she is right. Everyone handles grief differently and the healing balm of time seems to scoff at us sometimes.

I hope tomorrow dawns a brighter day.

Sending loves and hugs!!!

Trish said...

Oh, heart breaks for you! Do not apologize!!! You need to vent...get it out... scream, cry, question and do everything you need, to help rid yourself of these emotions!!!
You, will never be the could you be!? You lost your best friend, your soul mate and the one who has always been there for you.
I cannot give you advice...until we walk through the same valley, we cannot begin to I will just say dear friend...I am praying for you and I love you!
In all of your are an example to us all!

Mrs. Mac said...

Sending a hug and another prayer. I haven't walked in your shoes, yet. So I can not relate. But know that you are loved and thought about from distant friends from far off lands.


Felisol said...

Dear Dianne,
There is no way I cannot fully understand your grief.
The loss of your Terry is your very personal and of this world irretrievable sorrrow.

My very good friend Liv lost her husband two years ago after just half a years fight a against a most painful cancer. I knew her husband and we have continued to stay in contact afterward, we are hiker friends, meeting at least once a week.

Because Liv loved Sigve so highly the pain of her loss was deeper.
She has adjusted, but just this week after coming home from a group journey to Ireland, she fell apart,- again.
The contrast of togetherness on the trip and she coming home to the empty house simply was too hurtful.

Both she and Sigve always were Christians, and she knows they'll meet again. It is just enough comfort when she has to go those dark valleys alone.

She knows she can call at 2 a.m., but she seldom does.
She even thought of selling her home and find a flat, 'cause the memories were too hurtful.
Luckily she decided against it.
They built this home together rather late in life, twenty years ago, and they both have put down so much effort and consideration in every little detail. It would be a shame to let it be handed over to strangers for mere money.

I know I will never get tired of sharing her sorrows and struggles. Neither will the rest of the hiker girls.

Don't you even begin to think that people will get tired of you either.
We are all more or less in the same boat, and we all know we one day might be the one hurting beyond words.

The good thing about blogging is, one come here because one likes to be here.
Of free will.
You are brave and generous in sharing your deepest thoughts and pains.

I find comfort in the song "One day at a time, sweet Jesus."
Sometimes on just has to endure on hour at a time.
God bless your Sunday.
From Felisol