Monday, March 2, 2009

The Search For Normal

Today's post seems so far removed from anything I've felt over the last several days. Last night was so long and so sad and so difficult. And, the worst of it is, I don't know why. Nothing jumps out at me as a reason for why it was suddenly so sad and so hard. Where did all the emotion come from? I honestly have no idea.

We had planned a trip into Bloomington, MN to the Mall of America for Sunday. However, that plan changed when Jaden awoke with a high temperature. He had not been feeling well on Saturday evening, but both Katie and I thought perhaps he was just tired. The temp proved us both wrong. So, we stayed home and just spent a leisurely day lounging at Katie's house.

As the day progressed, I just felt a pale of sadness overtaking me. I had felt this coming on over the last few days and knew a good cry was coming, but I wasn't prepared for the extreme sadness to return with such full force. The day went on as would any other day. I talked with my Dad in TN. I spoke with my mother-in-law, also in TN. I read my emails and visited blog friends. Everything and everyone seemed normal.

I knew, however, that I was not normal. I was walking and talking and laughing as if I were, but I knew I was not. What is it in me that keeps me going? How can I just keep absorbing the blows and going on as though nothing has changed? How can everyone around me keep going as though nothing has changed? Can't they all see that the world is quickly flying apart at the proverbial seams? How can I tell them so they will understand that nothing is ever going to be the same again?

I don't know what tomorrow holds, but then who does? I just know that this journey is not for the faint of heart. I feel like I'm drowning. I can see the light glinting above the water but I can't quite make it to the surface and get my head above the water. My chest feels crushed with the weight of everything that is happening. I feel as though there is no room in there for air, no way to possibly take another breath. And yet, I keep breathing. How does that happen?

I wish I knew the answers to all my questions, but I don't. In fact, there's very little I do know at this particular time in my life. How can I be so absolutely happy on one day and so ultimately sad on the next? Surely this is not a normal state of being? But then, I'm quite sure nothing has been normal for me since the morning I said goodbye to Terry.

This is new territory for me. I don't know if I'm 'normal' or not, but I do know this, whatever I am right now, I don't possess the ability to be anything else at this time. I know the time will come when I will be able to move from this sadness, but that time is not now. Until that time does come, I'll continue to trust the Lord, lean on my family and friends and allow myself to feel the sadness when it comes. I have no power to do otherwise.


bj said...

Oh, darlin'...these moments, days, weeks, months are going to be with you from time to time, for a long time, I am sure. I've not lost my husband but my mom has been gone over 20 years...I will be doing just fine, not even thinking of dinner, reach inside a drawer for a hot pad and there is one she made years ago. It washes over me like cold water and I am plunged into saddness. I think it would be ever more so after losing a mate.
You seem so strong and I know you love Jesus...HE is the one carrying you thru all this, darlin girl. You are never, ever alone and without HIM, you couldn't do it. But, YOU CAN because you DO have HIM beside you. Your saddness will be there but you can still back your shoulders and move on.
I wish I lived close to you ...I'd make us a big ole chocolate cake and we could eat til we puked and then feel much better!!
I'll be thinking of you today as I go about my business....
love and hugs, bj

Pat said...

Oh my precious friend. My heart aches for the grief you are feeling. Sadly, only time will help heal. Those words seems so shallow, but they are from my heart. I offer you my ear, hugs from a distance and most of all prayer. God is the great healer.
This hurt is so fresh, let yourself grieve the way that feels best. Write about it, share it. People care. I know I do.
Hugs my friend.

Raggedy Girl said...

The waves of emotion is going to go on for a really long time, maybe forever. You will be fine one moment and then a stray thought, a smell, a song, a familiar sight and there it is washing over you. Just go with it because all the answers are not even there for us. Take each day by itself. Do the best you can, don't apologize for your feelings. I am praying for you while having no idea of how overwhelming this must be. God bless you and hold you tight.
Roberta Anne

Theresa @ Take A Sentimental Journey said...

Oh Dianne, I am putting my arms around you. Bless your dear heart.I can't imagine what you are feeling.I never lost anyone real close except my grand mother. I know it took years for it to get better.I am praying for you dear one.

Joy's Pam said...

Grief is such an incredible presence. I don't think we can avoid it dear one! Bless your heart, I wish I could help you through, but we really do have to walk it alone with our savior. Bless you as you travel this road and know that there is a day when you will be on the other side of grief, living in your new normal, doing the next thing and still looking forward to going home! Come Lord Jesus!

Love you!

Sweetie said...

Diane, What you are experiencing is normal (if there is a normal). Each day is different. Some days there is an essense of the usual and other days are full of loss. You are in my prayers.

deeia518 said...

I love you. Praying for you. Keep me in your prayers, too. Everything in your last post, I totally understand. Feeling it, too. What is normal? I don't know anymore. The only thing I'm sure about is the Lord is carrying us both.


Terry said...

Oh Dianne,
My heart aches for you and I don't even know what to say.
My sister Gracey lost her husband when she was only about 24. He was 27.
To this day, she still has days of extreme sadness, and she says the evening is the worst no matter how many people are around
I am happy for you that you still have your Terry