That's how it feels to me now. I feel as though the canopy I had been building with Terry is now destroyed and I'm left exposed and vulnerable. Although I know I will always have Terry with me in my heart and in my memories and his love will never leave me, I am yet left to try to rebuild this canopy of my life alone.
I am so thankful to have the Lord with me. He guides me and gives me comfort when no one else can. He has been such a loving Lord and is so patient with me. I surely know that I could not make this journey without Him. Yet, the fact remains that I have to start a new life for myself.
I have, since the day Terry and I married, always been the one responsible for all the business workings of our household. The week we married, he handed me the checkbook and said "Here, I don't want this anymore. You can have it"! And that was that! He always trusted me to take care of things, and I did.
I know HOW to do everything. I can conduct my business. I know about my car care. I've got a pretty good idea of all the workings of the household. It's just that, even if I handled it, I always had Terry to back me up on things. If I didn't understand, I'd ask him. If I was having trouble with something, he helped me out. Even if I didn't have trouble, he was still there just to be a sounding board. And, we always discussed major decisions.
It is so daunting to have to make all the decisions alone. Shoot, I can barely remember to take my medications on time! How am I supposed to make major decisions about car repairs or household maintenance? I know I CAN do this; I just don't know HOW to do it!
So, I muddle on. I face each new day wondering what challenges this day will bring. I've always been a planner. A list maker. Suddenly, my plans don't work and I can't even make a list! Yet, everything still has to be done. Bills have to be paid, decisions have to be made.
Lord, please help me in spite of myself. Help me to build on the foundation Terry and I started together and fill out my canopy to it's fullest and most beautiful possibilities.