Friday, April 17, 2009

Building My Canopy

Do you see these two trees? That's how it was for me and Terry. We were so close, we completed each other. Our branches were intertwined one with the other. If you cut one of those trees out of the picture, the picture is no longer complete. The tree left is now lop-sided. It's branches now are so completely off balance. The long out-reach now leans it to one side, with the opposite side left exposed.

That's how it feels to me now. I feel as though the canopy I had been building with Terry is now destroyed and I'm left exposed and vulnerable. Although I know I will always have Terry with me in my heart and in my memories and his love will never leave me, I am yet left to try to rebuild this canopy of my life alone.

I am so thankful to have the Lord with me. He guides me and gives me comfort when no one else can. He has been such a loving Lord and is so patient with me. I surely know that I could not make this journey without Him. Yet, the fact remains that I have to start a new life for myself.
I have no idea where to start or how to go about being alone. I've never been alone.

I have, since the day Terry and I married, always been the one responsible for all the business workings of our household. The week we married, he handed me the checkbook and said "Here, I don't want this anymore. You can have it"! And that was that! He always trusted me to take care of things, and I did.

I know HOW to do everything. I can conduct my business. I know about my car care. I've got a pretty good idea of all the workings of the household. It's just that, even if I handled it, I always had Terry to back me up on things. If I didn't understand, I'd ask him. If I was having trouble with something, he helped me out. Even if I didn't have trouble, he was still there just to be a sounding board. And, we always discussed major decisions.

It is so daunting to have to make all the decisions alone. Shoot, I can barely remember to take my medications on time! How am I supposed to make major decisions about car repairs or household maintenance? I know I CAN do this; I just don't know HOW to do it!

So, I muddle on. I face each new day wondering what challenges this day will bring. I've always been a planner. A list maker. Suddenly, my plans don't work and I can't even make a list! Yet, everything still has to be done. Bills have to be paid, decisions have to be made.

Lord, please help me in spite of myself. Help me to build on the foundation Terry and I started together and fill out my canopy to it's fullest and most beautiful possibilities.


Kathy @ Real Mom, Real Life said...

Even in your heartache, Diane, you bring such inspiration...

You put this so vividly. It may take that tree a while, but eventually, she will feel whole again.

Then when you are reunited, the meeting will be even greater!

Raggedy Girl said...


Trees grow branches slowly and your new life will grow the same way. Give yourself time and be so good to yourself. Plan some treats into your week. This has got to be the hardest thing to have to do in life.

From Roberta Anne--The Raggedy Girl

ann said...

i am so sorry for your loss .but i can guantee you,you will be with him again before you know it....ann

Samantha said...

You should write a book, you are such a beautiful writer, I enjoy your posts, they are truly from the heart. Looking forward to your photos next week, I love pictures and old photos. Love ya bunches !

Montee said...

Prayers for you Diane. I take care of everything too because my husband is gone for 6 months out of the year, but even when he is home, I take care of running things. I understand always needing them there for backup. You sound like a strong woman and you wrote such beautiful words here.

Lori said...

I just found your blog through Samantha's. I cannot begin to imagine the heartache of losing your "other half"...and I mean that literally because as man and wife, God makes us one. So glad you're leaning on the Lord. May He bless and strengthen you for your journey.

Trish said...

Dear Diane...this Post has touched my heart. 6 years ago at the age of 48. My younger sister Pam, lost her husband of 30 years to colon cancer.
I want you to know that I am praying for you...if we haven't experienced the loss of a soul mate
we don't know a thing about what you are feeling.
But you, just as my sister did, are handling it with Grace and putting your trust in the One who loves us most.
Pam, always tells us that only God got her through...You are precious...I will think of you as the trees bud this Spring...they promise new life!

Mrs. Mac said...

May the Lord complete and fill in the emptiness you are feeling from losing Terry.

Thank you so much for your comments over at The Sisterhood of The Traveling Scarf blog. We have a new adventure planned for the fall, I hope you will join us.


Deb said...

I second the move that you write a book. Someday, when you're ready, your words about this hurt that you are feeling could help another who has lost their spouse.

...still praying for you!