Saturday, April 11, 2009

True Confessions

I have a confession to make. I am having a great struggle with this holiday weekend. Not because I don't love Jesus Christ or because I don't appreciate what He has done for me. More than at any time in my life, I am aware of my relationship with the Lord Jesus. I am just so full of sorrow, it is difficult to think 'spiritually' at this time. Well, there I've said it. There, in a nut shell, is my struggle.

I have always believed that, as a Christian, the difficult times in your life should draw you closer to the Lord. Your relationship with the Lord should make you more thankful and leave you comforted. I'm having real trouble with that thankful, comforted part. My heart and my soul feel as though they have been ripped apart.

It is yet a bit shy of three months since Terry went home to be with Jesus. Is it too soon; or am I just being a brat? I don't know. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or when I'm supposed to feel. I just know I'm broken inside and I don't know how to fix myself! I am so disappointed in myself. I have always thought of myself as the strong one. I could take whatever life passed my way and be optimistic and thankful.

So what has happened to me? I've never been through anything that could bring me to a sudden halt. I have always been able to 'bounce back'. I can smile and push it down and keep walking. Not this time. Why? Have I been a fake all this time? Am I nothing more than a shell with no substance to who I am?

This isn't my first brush with despair or a broken heart. Oh no, not by far. I've walked this road many, many times in the past. I've been through infertility, childlessness, three miscarriages, the loss of my grandparents, the loss of my father-in-law through suicide, the loss of my Momma, an accident which left my precious husband permanently disabled, years of struggle with my own debilitating illness, not to mention the surgeries, medical procedures and financial struggles associated with illness and infertility. So, I have a great degree of experience in this area.

Nothing has ever left me so completely empty as has Terry's death. At first, I was just numb. I couldn't really feel anything. I just moved from point A to point B because it was expected of me. Then, there was a strange sense of relief. For the first time in nearly nine years, no one was dependant on me and I didn't have be anywhere at any given time if I chose to be elsewhere.

I took the trip to Iowa and had a complete blast! I loved spending time with my niece and her family and seeing new things. Even as I was still with them, I began to feel a change coming over me. I wasn't as happy or as carefree as in the first days there. I laid that off to the fact that I was just physically ill. I came home, battled pneumonia and kept walking. Other little health issues came and went with no real impact.

As time passed, I began to notice that, instead of feeling better, I was feeling worse and worse. Not physically, but emotionally. Being at home alone is sometimes comforting and at others absolutely smothering. At times, I want nothing more than to be at home alone. Then, without warning, I'm completely engulfed with overwhelming loneliness and sorrow. I sit and cry and grieve to the depths of my being. I can't be with anyone, but I so much do not want to be alone.

I'm not sure what to do about all of this. I'm not sure if I need to do anything about all of this. I am so sad and so alone. I just want Terry back and I can't have him back. I just want to hear him laugh or see his face and I can't. There is absolutely nothing I can do to make things different or better.

Oh, I've tried the praying; and begging; and pleading. I've tried 'resting' in the Lord. I've tried 'giving it all' to Jesus. I've cussed; I've fussed; I've prayed just to be dead myself. I can't do anything to make this better! So, I've had to accept the fact that I'm not at all who I thought I was. I thought I was a strong woman. A woman who loved the Lord and who trusted Him with everything in my life. But, that's not who I am at all. I'm just a weak, angry, spoiled brat of a woman who falls apart when she doesn't get her way!

If ever I needed to know who Jesus is and what He has done for me, it is now. If ever I needed redemption, it is now. If ever I needed deliverance, it is now. And yet, here I sit and nothing has changed. I'm still struggling. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of praying. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of crying. I just want it all to be done! I know this is where I'm supposed to find some great spiritual truth to tell you about. I don't have one. I'm not sure I'll ever have one again.

10 comments:

Kathy @ Real Mom, Real Life said...

Oh, Diane... I am so sorry you are struggling. I wish you could find some Balm of Gilead... Just because you are struggling now, doesn't mean you were "fake" Actually, it means quite the opposite. If you weren't a good person with a lot of faith, that old devil wouldn't have to work so hard on you.

Hang in there. I am praying for you. My thought are with you through out the day.

Sending hugs!!

deborah said...

Di..

I am so sorry and am praying for you. I can't imagine the way you feel, but I know Him who will fix what is broken. I love you girl, and you are in my prayers daily!

Constance said...

There are no Christian cliches offered here, you've heard them all before. When you're in that "JOB place" as I refer to it, sometimes, you just have to go through it. But you are loved and while the rest of us can't fathom the pain you're in, we will sit in the dirt with you and cry alongside of you. Borrow a little faith from those who love you and care about you. You'll get through this even if you don't think you can. From all I've come to know about you, you are as as they come!

I came to a crossroads about 4 years ago when I questioned the point of praying. I yelled at God that He was going to do what He wanted anyway, so why should I bother? I was so angry I told Him that I would still go to church but I wasn't going to sing. How childish of me! After a couple of weeks of that, with nothing changing, I couldn't resist any longer form singing and worshipping Him who was deserving of it all, regardless of my circumstances. When I finally moved out of that place in my life, I felt it boiled down to one question God asked of me;

"You've trusted me in the good and the happy times. You've testified that I can be trusted. But now, in this moment, do you really believe that?"

I had to admit that I was not trusting him with faith. He was my genie in the bottle, fulfilling my wishes.

When it was all said and done, I felt that God gave me a bigger heart, one filled with more compassion for others. One of my Spiritual Gifts is the gift of FAITH. I was prob a snob about it. I would see others struggling and think,
"What's the problem? God said (fill in the blank) in the Bible so just trust Him."

After my own "crisis" I realized that I had become prideful about having FAITH.

All of that to say. I don't want to ever be in that dark place again but what God has revelaed of Himself to me, was worth it.

Love and hugs,
Connie

Constance said...

* "From all I've come to know about you, you are as GENUINE as they come"

bj said...

I am so sorry for your crushing unhappiness, Di. I wish I had something magnificent to say to you but I don't. I can't even IMAGINE losing a mate so I am no help whatsoever to you. I can, however, pray for strength and comfort for you....and I know it will come. It just may be awhile in coming. I know one thing...when you are ready for God again, to trust Him again...HE will be right there, waiting for you. ALWAYS.
I wish blessing heaped on you, dear one...
xo bj

Pat said...

Oh precious Di, my chest actually feels heavy with your pain. Even though my physical body would love to step in and carry your grief, I know that only God can do that for you. This over whelming pain you feel speaks to how much love you have for Terry. Those other battles in life were hard, but they were not has hard as losing the one whom you loved the most. It may sound strange, but how blessed you are to have experienced love so deep to cause such pain.
Don't judge yourself or your spirituality. That's a trap waiting for you. Cry till your out of tears, then even when you don't feel it, praise God for those tears because they are born out of a great love.
I will pray for you, I will apply those scriptures and promises to your life, because right now, it's too much for you..those who care for you are interceeding on your behalf...joy comes in the morning.

Heidi Pocketbook said...

Fake? Absolutely not! You are real, very real in just laying this all out. Although I've not lost a spouse, I've had other deaths and heartaches like you.

I think you are well within mourning your husband, especially since it's been such a short time. Everyone mourns differently, although it's safe to say that holidays (like Easter!) make the loss seem that much more real.

Praying for you.

Samantha said...

My dear Diane,
My heart breaks for you today, I am saddened as I read your post. Please do not judge yourself, you are such a true, real, loving, kind Christian lady ! I have known you since Timmy and I married and you became my cousin, not cousin in law. You are my sister in Christ ! What you are experiencing is part of dealing with your grief, you are not a brat or spoiled, you are such a good person. I love you dearly and if you need me to be there, just call me. I am praying that God will bring peace and comfort to you. Please take care of yourself, you are so very loved by so many !

Raggedy Girl said...

Diane:

I may be wrong but I don't think you are going to "get over" losing Terry. I don't think you will ever be the woman you were the day before he went home. I think you now walk in the Undiscovered Territory and life will be different. I doubt a holiday will pass that you won't cry...both this year and 20 years from now. The death of a loved one changes us and we are never the same again. Please don't expect certain behaviors from yourself--just go with what you feel as being exactly what you should be feeling.

I love you sweetie!

I just wanted to stop by and wish you a really Blessed Happy Easter.

from Roberta Anne
The Raggedy Girl

Deb said...

Di, I don't know if you'll ever read this as my comment is so late (due to my computer issues...) but I just wanted to say that it makes perfect sense to me that you feel the way you do, after all, doesn't the Bible say that two married people become one flesh. Of course, you feel like you've been ripped in two. I can't even imagine the great sorrow that you're feeling. Know that I'm praying for you - always. When my Mom lost my Dad, she went through the same feelings you are experiencing. No one, but those who have lost a spouse, could possibly understand. Three months is hardly any time at all. You will be hurting for a long time to come. As Pat said, it's grief bourne out of love... I'm praying for you, dear friend!