Sunday, April 19, 2009

A Trip Through Lunacy

Saturday began on such a good note. I was up early and off to run errands. I made the usual stop at Wally World for a few groceries and household supplies. I visited the cemetery and had a nice teary chat with both Terry and Momma. I visited my youngest sister, Debra, who now lives on the farm where I grew up.

I wanted to go by just to see the big change. Since I can remember, there were two elm trees standing beside the driveway in front of the house. The trees had begun to rot from the inside out and had become a danger to the house. So, my brother-in-law either cut them or had them cut. It was just so strange to see the house without the trees there. Life is, after all, a succession of changes. I took a few pictures of the now barren-looking house and moved on to other chores for the day.

I visited the cemetery where my father-in-law is buried. They will be having their annual Decoration Day on the first Sunday in May. I wanted to make sure the grave was clean and ready for fresh flowers. I removed some old flowers and discovered a monstrous fire ant bed just behind the headstone. I'll have to get back over there before Decoration and make sure they're all cleared away. I sure don't want to upset them and get them all over me!

Then, I came home and unloaded my Wally World bags and put the purchases away. Is it me, or is the hauling the stuff into the house and putting it away the worst part of the whole process?!

My father-in-law had a tractor and several pieces of farm equipment when he passed away in 2002. It still has not been sold. I told my mother-in-law that I thought we should sell it because it was just sitting there and never being used. She agreed, so now I have to get a list together and do some research to figure out what we should ask for the various pieces. A wonderful elderly neighbor who always helped Mr. Bo out on the farm came by and took a look at things and helped me get a list together. Now, all I have to do is research the resale values so we can advertise the equipment for sale.

I then went over to the Assisted Living Facility and visited with my mother-in-law for a couple of hours. We had a really nice visit and I hung some things on her walls that I had taken over for her to add more of a personal touch to her little 'apartment'. We talked about the farm equipment and all sorts of other things. We also discussed her will. We have an appointment for next Friday to visit the attorney to get that all taken care of.

Upon leaving, I headed out for Jackson, which is the nearest small city to me. I went by the local Lifeway Christian store and made several book purchases. I went to the Dollar Tree and bought a few things. I visited Target and bought a new umbrella. I wanted a new pair of shoes, but just ran out of energy before I made it to the shoe store! I also wanted to visit Lowes to pick up some paint chips. The farm house needs some fresh paint in the living, dining and master bed and bath rooms, as well as the kitchen and utility room.

So, I headed on over to the Lowes. I should have let well enough alone. As soon as I got out of my car, I just knew I was making a major mistake. I looked around me and all I saw entering the store were couples. Young couples, middle-aged couples, mature couples....couples of every sort and age, but ALL couples. Sadness set in immediately. I suddenly felt as though every eye was on me and it was painfully obvious that I was not a couple.

I pressed on and walked around the store, but just got more sad with every step. By the time I reached the lighting fixtures, tears were streaming down my face. I was walking around the Lowes store openly crying! I know people were looking at me and thinking I must be losing my mind! Little did they know how right they were!!!

I walked to the paint department, but by that time I could barely see through the tears and my eyes were swollen. I just parked my cart and left the store. Every step I took was like an arrow piercing my heart. Browsing through Lowes had been one of Terry's favorite pastimes before he got too sick to go there. We would walk for hours planning our next project and dreaming about all the things we wanted to do in the future. I was so totally unprepared for the onslaught of emotions that hit me all due to a trip to Lowes.

The farther I go into this journey, the more firmly convinced I am that grief is simply a trip through lunacy. I'm still trying to figure out how to come through this with my faculties in tact. I know there would be no hope for me at all, but for the Lord. I cannot comprehend how an individual who does not know the Lord ever makes this journey and ends up sane.

If I am ever able to think or behave like a 'normal' human being again, it will only be due to the love and mercy of the Lord Jesus. He reminds me in His Word that His grace is sufficient; I cling to that promise with my whole being now. It is all that stands between me and a complete break down. However, I know it is MORE than enough. God's supply is always MORE!


Terry said...

as i read through your post, it almost made me tired all the stuff you accomplished.
when i read the last part, i could feel your tears...
you certainly are not a lunatic.
anyone seeing you would know that you were in sorrow
and you know what else diane?
you will never be a normal person.
i don't know of anyone else who has handled such grief you have with the help of the lord and have used that grief,turned it around and have become a blessing and an encourager to so many of us!!!
a "normal" person doesn't do that.
you are a precious child of god.
love you!!!

Cyn said...

I agree with the worst part of grocery shopping being carrying them in and putting them away.

Grief knows no time frame and I'm not sure if it ever goes away completely. But, I believe that it lessens as time passes and that's what you need to allow for yourself; time. I love you Sis!

bj said...

Good morning, Diane,
I think you are acting perfectly normal for a person that just lost their loved mate. I am thankful you have your mother in law to enjoy and maybe you can take a trip back to see your children soon. There is nothing like family around during times like this.
Praying for you!

Raggedy Girl said...

You may have to find new way to define normal. Perhaps Lowe's will not be a place you can go. There is a restaurant that my Mom loved and I cannot even drive down that street yet. Perhaps you could buy your paint at a paint store where you have never been before. If I saw a woman crying in the middle of a store I would be so praying for her. You day was beyond busy but I am sure that busy is good right now. Continuing to pray for you as you take each step. I love Meme's little poem on your sidebar, what a lovely thought.

Have a Happy Sunday Full of Smiles
from Roberta Anne = The Raggedy Girl

Grandma Blog said...

I am thinking of you and I know what raw grief is so I know how hard it is for you. You are in my prayers.

Lori said...

Oh Diane, bless your heart! I hurt for you. I have not lost my husband of 29 years, thank God. But I have lost my 34 year old brother to some very tragic circumstances and I know that grief is indeed a journey. I'm so sorry you're faced with this. Since that can't be changed, I am so thankful you know the Lord and you run to HIM for refuge. It's your only true comfort.
God bless you Diane. God bless you.

Heidi Pocketbook said...

I agree with Roberta Anne's comment about maybe having to redefine normal. Maybe you need to find some new, unchartered stores to ship at, where the memories won't be lurking down each aisle.

Also, about the farm machinery. Had you thought about having an auction? If there isn't enough equipment to justify that, perhaps it could be combined with someone else's auction? In my neck of the woods, that's not uncommon.

I'm so glad we're bloggy buddies☺

Kathy @ Real Mom, Real Life said...

Girl, if I had done all those things, I would have been W.I.P.E.D. O.U.T.!!!!!

I am always more emotional when I am tired.

I remember a co-worker of mine who had lost her husband.There were times she would just break down and cry at work. We didn't see anything that would have triggered it. She just ached. I rememeber her asking the same question you just did... would she ever get back to normal.

Many hugs...

Deb said...

...praying always for you!!!